You Against Me

Thirty

Ellie googled the word ‘rape’, but got the spelling wrong and brought up details of a sailing supplier that specialized in synthetic hemp. It made her smile for the first time in days. She changed ‘rope’ to ‘ripe’, expecting plums and tomatoes, but got some database reference manual instead, which made everything serious again. When she typed in the right word, she discovered that half of all girls experience some form of sexual abuse (from inappropriate touching to rape) before they are eighteen.

Everywhere, girls were being attacked. She made herself a jam sandwich and ate it looking out of the kitchen window.

Karyn was lying on her back, almost entirely covered by the duvet. She looked sweet, like she’d been tucked in. But when Ellie switched on the lamp…

No!

Ellie grabbed two packets of crisps and ate them quickly, one after the other, while she checked out the fridge and both food cupboards. Sometimes Tom hid his chocolate muffins somewhere other than the bread bin, but there was nothing. Maybe she could go out and get one? Morning had barely begun, but the bakery on the high street opened at six-thirty She went to the hallway, pressed her ear to the front door and listened. Nothing. Even the wind, which usually whipped round the corner of the house and made the letterbox bang, was silent. She opened the door a fraction and checked along the length of the lawn in both directions. No one was about.

But there. What was that? A bird, with a splash of white on its chest, like milk on an oil slick. It swayed on the top branch of a tree in the lane and looked right at her. Was it a magpie? A jay? It cocked its head to one side and chuckled. It had little black eyes.

She waved a finger at it. ‘Hello.’

It tipped its head at her and opened its wings. She was amazed by a flash of purple, a totally mad colour for a bird – like something a king would wear to bed. She watched as it lifted itself into the sky, over the top of the house and away. She could hear its cry for ages. It gave her something to hold on to, something strangely reassuring.

She ran down the front steps and across the lawn. It was brilliant – both her legs worked, she didn’t get caught in a cyclone or struck by lightning, there were no crowds waiting at the gate with fists full of stones. She was making too much of it. It was totally obvious. In other countries there were wars. Right now, in some part of the world, someone was being burned alive in the street. And here she was, full of silly doubts about her brother – too freaked out to go to court and defend him.

As she came out of the lane and turned into Acacia Avenue, she noticed how wide the sky was overhead – not the grim little strip above the lane, but a whole street full of sky.

The world was beautiful.

She noticed everything as she walked – the daisies scattered on the grass verge, how they were still in shadow, waiting for the sun before they opened, like sleeping children. How the blossom hung so heavy on the cherry trees. The aeroplane, silver and tiny, glinting up there among a few wisps of cloud. Funny, she thought, to think of all those people strapped to their seats high above her head.

It wasn’t far. Only two more roads, past the church and round the corner. There was the bakery – its fluorescent strip winking – next to the charity shop, which was shut, next to the newsagent’s, which was just opening. The air smelled sweet.

A bell tinged as Ellie went in. A fat woman huffed up from a stool, clutching a magazine to her chest. She looked fed up. ‘Yes?’

There were iced buns and doughnuts, gingerbread men and biscuits shaped like stars covered in silver sprinkles.

‘Do you have any chocolate muffins?’

The woman pointed to a tray in the window. ‘We’ve got croissants. They’ve got chocolate in.’

‘OK.’

The tongs the woman unhooked from a place by the till were thick with sugar. How could they be used when the day was so new?

‘Just the one, is it?’

The woman was gasping from bending and straightening, from asking the question. Ellie felt bloated watching her.

‘Just one, yes.’

That’s what happened if you ate cake. You turned into a fat old woman. But before you got there, you turned into a girl like Alicia Johnson, who ate her packed lunch in the school toilets so no one could see how much she shovelled into her mouth.

These last weeks, Ellie had understood Alicia. But after this cake, she was going to stop cramming herself full of food. She was going to stand in solidarity with her brother and hold her head high.

‘Eighty-five pence then.’

Ellie took the paper bag, collected her change and left. Ting. Into the street.

But there, right outside the door, was a dog. A big dog with a thuggish face and bowed legs like a cowboy. Its lead was looped through the railing, and as it strained towards her she cowered in the doorway.

Don’t let it jump. Don’t let it bite.

A man came out of the newsagent’s, folding a paper under his arm. He laughed, pummelled the dog’s flank with the flat of his hand and said, ‘He won’t hurt you, love.’

But when he untied the lead, the dog came sniffing – at the cake, at Ellie’s crotch, at her fingers. She stood there, frozen, and the man, still smiling, said, ‘He’s a big old softie.’

Why didn’t he think there was anything wrong with letting his dog sniff at her like that? She hurried back across the road. A car hooted. There were suddenly people everywhere – a man filling the newspaper dispenser, another man shouting up at a window. A car alarm was going off, a woman was singing somewhere far away. But it all seemed to be in slow motion, like all the muscle had gone from the world.

A boy crashed into her. Boots, jeans, hoodie, hands in pockets. He was walking fast, away from her now, but still, she hadn’t expected to see anyone. It had seemed an empty world and now it was full.

Imagine being Karyn. Imagine being out here and…

No, no, she didn’t want to be thinking about Karyn again! Ellie tried to remember the incantation she’d learned after she got bitten in Kenya and people stared at her scar – you closed your eyes and drew strength from the universe. You imagined a white tiger on an iron mountain. A burning red phoenix, a swimming blue turtle, a green dragon in a forest.

But you can’t walk down a street with your eyes shut thinking of dragons. And if you open your eyes, then you see all the crap – the fag ends and chewing gum flattened into the pavement, rubbish swirling everywhere.

My brother is innocent. There, that was a better spell. She muttered it a few times and kept her head down. It didn’t work for long. Thoughts of a broken bottle got in the way. And once that leaked in, other memories followed – Tom and his friends, fresh from the pub. Karyn drunk on a bed. Three boys standing around her and Ellie saying, ‘What are you doing?’

Just mucking about. Just a bit of fun.

Outside the electric gate, Ellie fumbled for the button to slide it open. At the door she fumbled for her key. Inside, she closed her eyes and leaned against the wall in the hallway. She counted to fifty, then went into the kitchen and shut the blind. She filled the kettle. There was a horrible moment when she thought there might not be coffee, but there was a fresh packet at the bottom of the fridge. She found a plate for her croissant – it was her favourite plate, decorated with anchors and white sailing boats. She made a coffee and sat at the table. The drink was hot, the first bite of croissant was sweet and good. Together, they made her cry.

Tom stood in the doorway. Ellie could feel him there and knew she should stop crying. He padded across the kitchen in his bare feet and squatted next to her.

I’m scared of you, she thought. She wiped her eyes with her sleeve and tried not to look at him. But he tipped her face to his with the flat of his hand. His cheeks were scorched, like there was a fire stoking his gut.

‘Where have you been?’

‘The baker’s.’

‘Bit early for that.’

She showed him the plate with the croissant on it. ‘See?’

‘Did you get me anything?’

‘No.’

‘Why not?’ He smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes. ‘Don’t you like me any more?’

He wasn’t kidding. He was actually saying it. It was like something under the floorboards rearing up and showing itself. She didn’t know how to answer, or even if he expected her to speak.

He said, ‘Freddie saw you yesterday. It was early, he reckoned, around six in the morning.’

‘I went for a walk.’

‘Where?’

Her heart slammed in her chest. She’d walked across town, over to the estate, with the sole purpose of looking up at the windows and seeing if she could guess where Mikey and Karyn lived.

‘Nowhere. Just walking.’

A beat. Then, ‘Why do I feel like you’re not on my side any more?’ He turned and walked slowly to the door, stood there for a second before turning back to her. ‘Please don’t give up on me.’