You Against Me

Twenty

All sensible websites suggest that you meet a potentially dangerous stranger in a crowded place, and that you tell a family member or a friend what you are doing. And here Ellie was, Saturday lunchtime, about to break the rules. In less than two hours, Mikey McKenzie would arrive at her house, and no one knew he was coming and no one but her would be in.

RSN, he texted.

He was right, it was going to be real soon now.

Ellie threw the phone onto her bed as if it was hot, then opened her bedroom window and looked out at the storm, at the dark clouds and fat splashing rain. She leaned on her elbows and watched. A cat dived for cover, cracks in the lawn sucked water into their grooves and all the trees sighed.

She gave revising a try, lay on her bed with geography books and tried to care about the movement of people from rural to urban areas following the industrial revolution. But thinking of big stuff made her feel small, and when she felt small, she stopped caring about revising and GCSEs and what happened next. It was easy to break any taboo when nothing mattered, so she picked up her phone and texted, TAU. It was true, she was thinking about him. He was pretty much all she’d been thinking about since Monday at the harbour.

His text came whizzing back: XOXOXO.

A series of hugs and kisses.

She needed food. Diets didn’t count in a crisis.

Her parents were sitting holding hands at the kitchen table. Cups of coffee and empty plates in front of them. They looked up and smiled as she walked in. It was lovely, like a normal family again.

‘Hungry?’ Mum said, pushing her chair back. ‘I’ve just made your dad a bacon butty. Want me to make you something?’

‘No thanks.’

Ellie knew what she wanted – one of Tom’s double chocolate muffins, kept in the bread bin and not to be eaten by anyone but him.

She ignored her mum’s frown as she helped herself and sat down to unwrap it. ‘You guys still going out?’

Her father nodded absently. ‘As soon as this rain eases up.’

They all looked out of the window, at the garden sinking under the weight of water. And that was it. Extent of conversation. Ellie’s journey down the stairs and into the kitchen had lightened the mood for a nanosecond. It was weird how there was nothing left to say or do that didn’t relate to Tom. They fell back into grief so easily.

Eventually, Mum took a sip of her coffee, grimaced and put the cup back down. ‘I can’t believe it’s the weekend again,’ she said. ‘I keep thinking any minute this will stop and we’ll go back to normal.’

Dad wiped a hand across his brow. He looked tired. ‘We shouldn’t expect normal any more. Not if that little bitch insists on going through with this.’

That was new, that word, and the way he spat it out.

‘Should you be calling her that, Dad?’

He looked at Ellie open-mouthed. ‘She’s in the process of ruining your brother’s life!’

‘It’s a horrible word, that’s all.’

He shook his head as if she was clearly mad and let his eyes slide back to the window.

When she was a kid, Ellie had spent every Saturday morning with Dad in the park – they’d go to the playground, feed the ducks on the lake, see if they could find decent trees for her to climb. Mum did a yoga class, Tom had football, it was only the two of them. ‘Wild child,’ Dad called her, and he’d pick leaves and sticks from her hair and let her choose whatever she wanted from the café for lunch. But something changed when she got to eleven, like he shrank away. She was too big for cuddles, too old for games and messing around. It was a slow retreat. But sometimes, if Ellie really thought about it, she realized he hadn’t taken proper notice of her for years.

‘Twenty-five miles in this weather,’ Dad said, ‘and when we get there, she won’t even recognize us.’

‘Simon,’ Mum said, ‘that’s my mother you’re talking about.’

He held up his hands. ‘So shoot me!’

Ellie sighed, checked her mobile. Just over an hour to go. No new messages. ‘So,’ she said, ‘are you coming back at the usual time?’

Her mum nodded. ‘Should be.’

‘Definitely,’ Dad said.

‘You’re only going to see Gran, right? Nothing else? You’re not going to the cottage to do more clearing out?’

‘Why all the questions?’ Dad said.

‘No reason.’ She pushed her plate away. She suddenly felt sick.

‘You shouldn’t’ve taken that muffin if you didn’t want it,’ Mum said. ‘In fact, you shouldn’t’ve taken it anyway.’ She slipped the muffin into the bin, licked her fingers then slotted her chair back under the table and began to rinse the plate in the sink.

Ellie checked her phone again. ‘And Tom’s out all day, is he?’

Her mum gave her a sad smile. ‘Might as well let him have fun while he can.’

‘Golf club,’ Dad said. ‘He’ll be indoors on the swing simulator if he’s got any sense. Exactly where I’d like to be right now, in fact.’

Ellie see-sawed her fork, tilting it backwards and forwards. It left indents in the tablecloth.

Dad frowned at her. ‘Are you up to something, Eleanor?’

Yes, don’t leave me alone. I’ve done this foolish thing…

He said, ‘You’re supposed to be revising today, that’s what we agreed.’

History notes were scattered on her bedroom floor, her Art project lay half finished on her desk, she hadn’t even begun revising Spanish. If her father knew the extent to which she was falling behind, he’d freak. She’d probably be grounded until she was eighteen.

‘So,’ he said, ‘what subject is it today?’

She told him Geography – the only subject she’d done any work on since Monday.

‘Ah,’ he said, ‘ox-bow lakes.’ And he patted her briefly on the hand. ‘I envy you, Ellie. I wish I had something to take my mind off all this.’

Maybe she should tell him. I’ve invited Mikey McKenzie to the house. You know him, sure you do, he’s Karyn McKenzie’s brother. I’ve got a plan. Trouble is, it terrifies me…

‘This rain isn’t stopping,’ Mum said from the sink. ‘What shall we do?’

Dad stood up. ‘Let’s go. Get it over with.’ He looked down at Ellie. ‘Any messages for Gran?’

‘Um no, not really. Tell her I’ll come and see her soon. Tell her I miss her.’

He nodded, bent down and brushed the top of her head with a kiss. ‘Work well then.’

Warmth flooded through her. He hadn’t done that for years and years.

And now the ritual of finding things. Mum fumbled in her handbag for the car keys, which she eventually found in her coat pocket. Dad watched her in a distracted way before checking his own pockets for the keys she’d already found. He scooped up his wallet, turned on his mobile and then realized he had no idea where his glasses were. Mum, meanwhile, was convinced she’d lost her purse and had to root through her entire handbag again.

How vulnerable they seemed. How old and grey they’d be one day. I could come with you, Ellie wanted to say. I’ll look after you. Let me sit in the back of the car and we’ll sing songs. When we get to the nursing home, Gran will give us Murray Mints and we’ll take her out for a spin in her wheelchair.

But, really, she knew how that kind of day would work out, and it didn’t solve anything. At least if she stayed at home, everything would be different by the time her parents got back.