The Sandman

56

Saga watches Stefan half-close his eyes and her skin breaks out in goosebumps as the music takes over and shrinks the room, making the subdued lighting soft and shimmering.

Jacky starts to play gently ornate harmonies, and then the bass joins in.

Saga knows that Stefan loves this, but at the same time she can’t forget the fact that they’d arranged to sit and talk, just for once.

She’s been looking forward to this all week.

Slowly she eats the pistachio nuts, gathering a heap of empty shells and waiting.

A peculiar angst at his walking away from her like that makes her feel suddenly chill; she has no idea where the feeling has come from. She knows that she’s being irrational, and keeps telling herself not to be childish.

When her drink is finished she moves on to Stefan’s. It’s no longer cold, but she drinks it anyway.

She looks over at the door just as a red-cheeked man takes a picture of her with his phone. She’s tired, and is considering going home to sleep, but she’d really like to talk to Stefan first.

Saga has lost track of how many numbers they’ve played. John Scofield, Mike Stern, Charles Mingus, Dave Holland, Lars Gullin, and a long version of a song she doesn’t know the name of, from that record with Bill Evans and Monica Zetterlund.

Saga looks at the heap of pale nutshells, the toothpicks in the martini glasses and the empty chair opposite her. She goes over to the bar and gets a bottle of Grolsch, and when she’s finished it she heads to the bathroom.

Some women are adjusting their make-up in front of the mirror, the toilets are all occupied and she has to queue for a while. When one of the cubicles is finally free she goes in, locks the door, sits down and just stares at the white door.

An old memory makes her feel suddenly impotent. She remembers her mother lying in bed, her face marked by sickness, staring at the white door. Saga was only seven years old and was trying to comfort her, trying to say everything would soon be all right, but her mum didn’t want to hold her hand.

‘Stop it,’ Saga whispers to herself as she sits on the toilet, but the memory won’t let go.

Her mum got worse and Saga had to find her medication, help her take her tablets and hold the glass of water.

Saga sat on the floor beside her mother’s bed looking up at her, fetching a blanket when she was cold, trying to call her dad each time her mum asked her to.

When her mum finally fell asleep Saga can remember switching off the little lamp, curling up on top of the bed and wrapping her mother’s arms round her.

She doesn’t usually think of it. She usually manages to keep her distance from the memory, but this time it was just there, and her heart is beating hard in her chest as she leaves the toilet.

Their table is still empty, the empty glasses are still there, and Stefan is still playing. He’s maintaining eye contact with Jacky, and they’re responding playfully to each other’s improvisations.

Maybe it’s the drink or her memories affecting her judgment. She forces her way through to the musicians. Stefan is in the middle of a long, meandering improvisation when she puts a hand on his shoulder.

He starts, looks at her, then shakes his head irritably. She grabs his arm and tries to get him to stop playing.

‘Come, now,’ she says.

‘Get your girl under control,’ Jacky hisses.

‘I’m playing,’ Stefan says through gritted teeth.

‘But the two of us... We’d agreed...’ she tries, feeling to her own surprise that tears are rising to her eyes.

‘Get lost,’ she hears Jacky snarl at her.

‘Can’t we go home soon?’ she asks, patting the back of Stefan’s neck.

‘For God’s sake,’ he whispers sharply.

Saga backs away and manages to knock over a glass of beer on top of one of the amplifiers, and it falls to the floor and shatters.

Beers splashes up onto Stefan’s clothes.

She stands still, but his eyes are focused solely on the keys of the piano, and the hands racing across them as sweat runs down his cheeks.

She waits a moment, then returns to their table. Some men have sat down in their chairs. Her green parka is lying on the floor. She picks it up with trembling hands, and hurries out into the heavy snow.