The Sandman

95

Reidar swallows hard, time after time, leans against the wall and feels the texture of the wallpaper under his hand, and notices some dead flies on the dusty base of the standard lamp.

Mikael said that Felicia didn’t think he’d look for her, that she was sure he didn’t care about her going missing.

He was an unfair father, he knew that, but he couldn’t help it.

It wasn’t that he loved the children differently, just that...

The pressure in his chest increases.

Reidar glances towards the corridor where he threw down his coat with the little nitroglycerine spray.

He tries to breathe calmly, takes a few steps, stops and thinks that he ought to turn and face his memories and let himself be overwhelmed by guilt.

Felicia had turned eight that January. There had been a slight thaw in March, but it was about to get colder again.

Mikael was always so sharp and aware, he would look at you attentively and do whatever was expected of him.

Felicia was different.

Reidar had a lot to do back then, he would write all day, answering letters from his readers, giving interviews, having his picture taken, travelling to other countries for book launches. He never had enough time and he hated it when people kept him waiting.

Felicia was always late.

And that day, when the unimaginable happened, the day when the stars were in terrible alignment, the day that God abandoned Reidar, that morning was a perfectly ordinary morning and the sun was shining.

The children started school early. Because Felicia was always slow and unfocused, Roseanna had already put some clothes out for her, but it was Reidar’s job to see that the children got to school on time. Roseanna had left early, she used to drive into Stockholm before the rush-hour traffic made the journey take five times as long.

Mikael was ready to go by the time Felicia sat down at the kitchen table. Reidar buttered toast for her, poured her some cereal, and put out the chocolate powder, milk and a glass. She sat and read the back of a cereal packet, tore off the corner of her toast and rolled it into a buttery lump.

‘We’re in a bit of a rush again,’ Reidar said in a measured tone of voice.

Looking down, she spooned some chocolate powder from the packet without moving it closer to the glass, and managed to spill most of it on the table. Leaning forward on her elbows she started to draw in the spilled powder with her fingers. Reidar told her to wipe the table, but she didn’t answer, just licked the finger she’d been poking at the chocolate powder with.

‘You know we have to be out of the door by ten past eight if we’re to get there on time?’

‘Stop nagging,’ she muttered, then got up from the table.

‘Brush your teeth,’ Reidar said. ‘Mum’s laid your clothes out in your room.’

He decided against telling her off for not putting her glass away or wiping the table.

Reidar stumbles and the standard lamp hits the floor and goes out. His chest feels horribly tight now. Pain is coursing down his arm and he can barely breathe. Mikael and David Sylwan are suddenly there beside him. He tries to tell them to leave him be. Berzelius runs over with his coat, and they hunt through the pockets for his medication.

He takes the bottle and sprays some under his tongue, then lets go of it on the floor as the pressure in his chest eases. In the distance he hears them wondering if they should call an ambulance. Reidar shakes his head and notices that the nitroglycerine spray has triggered a growing headache.

‘Go and eat now,’ he tells them. ‘I’m fine, I just... I need to be alone for a while.’