The Sandman

96

Reidar is sitting on the floor with his back against the wall. He wipes his mouth with a trembling hand, and forces himself to confront his memories again. It was eight o’clock when he went into Felicia’s room. She was sitting on the floor reading. Her hair was a mess and she had chocolate round her mouth and smeared across one cheek. To make herself more comfortable she had crumpled up her freshly ironed blouse and skirt to form a cushion to sit on. She had one leg in her woolly tights and was still sucking her sticky fingers.

‘You need to be on your bicycle in nine minutes,’ he told her. ‘Your teacher has said you mustn’t be late any more this term.’

‘I know,’ she said in a monotone, without looking up from her book.

‘And wash your face, it’s filthy.’

‘Stop nagging,’ she muttered.

‘I’m not nagging,’ he tried to say. ‘I just don’t want you to be late. Can’t you understand that?’

‘You’re nagging so much it’s making me sick,’ she said to the book.

He must have felt stressed by his writing and the journalists who wouldn’t leave him alone, because he suddenly exploded. He’d had enough. He grabbed her arm hard and dragged her into the bathroom, turned the tap on and scrubbed her face roughly.

‘What’s wrong with you, Felicia? Why can’t you ever do anything properly?’ he yelled. ‘Your brother’s ready, he’s waiting for you, he’s going to be late because of you. But you don’t get it, you’re just a filthy little monster, not fit to be in a nice, tidy home...’

She started to cry, which only made him more angry.

‘What’s wrong with you?’ he went on, grabbing hold of a brush. ‘You’re completely useless.’

‘Stop it!’ she sobbed. ‘You’re horrid, Daddy!’

‘I’m horrid? You’re behaving like an idiot! Are you an idiot?’

He started tugging at her hair, his hands rough with rage. She screamed and swore at him, and he stopped.

‘What did you say?’

‘Nothing,’ she muttered.

‘It sounded like something.’

‘Maybe there’s something wrong with your ears,’ she whispered.

He dragged her out of the bathroom, opened the front door and shoved her out so hard that she fell over on the path.

Mikael was standing by the garage door, waiting with both bicycles. Reidar realised that he had refused to ride off without his sister.

Reidar is sitting on the floor in the hall of the manor, his hands over his face. Felicia had been just a child, and had been acting like a child. Timing and messy hair really hadn’t mattered to her.

He remembers the way Felicia had stood in the drive in her underwear. Her right knee was bleeding, her eyes were red and wet from crying, and she still had a bit of chocolate powder on her neck. Reidar was shaking with anger. He went back inside and got her blouse, skirt and jacket, and threw them on the ground in front of her.

‘What have I done?’ she sobbed.

‘You’re ruining this family,’ he said.

‘But I...’

‘Say you’re sorry, say you’re sorry this instant.’

‘Sorry,’ she wept. ‘I’m sorry.’

She looked at him with tears streaming down her cheeks and dripping off her chin.

‘Just make sure you change,’ he replied.

He watched her get dressed, shoulders heaving as she cried, he watched as she wiped the tears from her cheeks and climbed on her bicycle, blouse half tucked in and coat open. He stood there as his rage subsided and heard his little daughter cry as she cycled off to school.

He wrote all day, and felt pleased. He hadn’t bothered to get dressed, just sat in front of the computer in his dressing gown, he hadn’t brushed his teeth or shaved, he hadn’t even made the beds or cleared away the breakfast things. He thought he’d say all this to Felicia, and explain that he was just like her, but he never got the chance.

He was out late, having dinner with his German publisher, and by the time he got home that evening the children had already gone to bed. It was the following morning when they discovered their empty beds. There’s nothing in his life that he regrets more than the unfair way he treated Felicia.

It’s unbearable to think of her sitting alone in that terrible room, believing that he doesn’t care about her, and that he’d only bother to look for Mikael.