The Little Book of Stoicism

Practice 13

Play Your Given Roles Well

“Remember that you are an actor in a play determined by the author: if short, then short; if long, then long. If he wants you to act as a beggar, then act even that with excellence, just as a cripple, a ruler or a citizen. Because that is your objective: to act the role that is given to you well. To select the role is up to someone else.” – Epictetus

Each of us has different roles to play: a human being, a citizen of the world, a father or mother, son or daughter, brother or sister, husband or wife, friend or foe, teacher or pupil, neighbor or stranger, young or old. Some roles are natural like being a human being, a daughter, and sister. And some are acquired like being a wife and a teacher.

These roles are not the same for all of us. Even if both of us are sons; my father might be supportive and kind, and your father discouraging and aggressive. So our roles are different.

Now each of our roles has specific duties. Like an actress in a play, you must play your given role well, even if you don’t like it. Act in a way that is consistent with your role. You’re given the ability to use reason, and you’re free to choose your actions, so you’re able to play your role well.

Those roles often come in relations to one another. If you’re a daughter, your role is to be a good daughter in relation to your parents. Your mother’s role in relation to you is to be a good mother. Her role in relation to your father is to be a good wife.

Epictetus says that if you fulfill your duties toward others, then you’re living in agreement with nature, which is the direct path to a happy and smoothly flowing life.

Focus on your side of the relations to others. It’s possible that you’re a great daughter, but your father isn’t a great father, and he doesn’t play his role well. That has nothing to do with you. You were given this role as a daughter and must play it well. You can only do your side of the relation. That’s enough.

Fulfill your duties as a daughter even if your father doesn’t fulfill his duties as a father to you. That’s ultimately his loss, not yours. He’s doing damage to himself by not living in harmony with nature. If he hurts you, he pays the price in a way or another. You might not see it at the moment, but he loses something by not fulfilling his duties. “No man is bad without suffering some loss,” says Epictetus.

But if you try to hurt your father in return, then you don’t fulfill your duties as a daughter and as a consequence injure yourself. You lose part of your character—the gentle, patient, and dignified.

Do you realize it? No. The loss of character is not accompanied by sickness or loss of possessions. You don’t realize what you’ve lost—your gentle, patient, and dignified character.

This is a classic Stoic idea: Play your role well by being the best you can be, focusing on what you control, and ultimately being a good person.

“Reflect on the other social roles you play,” Epictetus advises. “If you are a council member, consider what a council member should do. If you are young, what does being young mean, if you are old, what does age imply, if you are a father, what does fatherhood entail? Each of our titles, when reflected upon, suggests the acts appropriate to it.”

Play your roles well, even if others don’t.