The Little Book of Stoicism

Practice 33

Other-ize

“We can familiarize ourselves with the will of nature by calling to mind our common experiences. When a friend breaks a glass, we are quick to say, ‘Oh, bad luck.’ It’s only reasonable, then, that when a glass of your own breaks, you accept it in the same patient spirit . . . We would do better to remember how we react when a similar loss afflicts others.” – Epictetus

How differently we look at the same event when it happens to us rather than to other people.

When your colleague breaks a cup, you take it easy and might make a comment such as the German proverb, “Shards bring good fortune,” or “Shit happens, let me help you clean it up.”

But when it happens to us, we’re quick to judge ourselves as clumsy or incapable. Naturally, it’s far easier to remain calm and maintain equanimity when misfortunes happen to others rather than to ourselves.

Wouldn’t it be smarter to react similarly when something affects us? I mean, we’re not special. So why would we make a mountain out of a molehill when something affects us, but tick it off with a smile when it happens to others?

This doesn’t make sense. The universe doesn’t treat us any differently than others, it’s not after us. Things just happen, sometimes to us, sometimes to others. Things happen to us in the normal order of things. Get comfort in that.

Next time something inconveniently happens to you, imagine it happened to someone else. Ask yourself how you’d react when the same happened to your colleague Sharon. If it’s not terrible when it happens to Sharon, then it’s not terrible when it happens to you.

This will make you aware of the relative insignificance of the “bad” things that happen to all of us and will therefore prevent you from disrupting your tranquility.

Epictetus takes it a step further: “Moving on to graver things: when somebody’s wife or child dies, to a man we all routinely say, ‘Well, that’s part of life.’ But if one of our own family is involved, then right away it’s ‘Poor, poor me!’”

With a broken cup, this is much easier than with a broken heart. Yet it’s the same thing. Why is it not too bad when Sharon loses her husband, but it’s the worst that could happen when it’s your husband?

Look, we can’t just tick off the death of a loved one like the death of a cup. But thinking about our reaction if it happened to someone else might be helpful nonetheless. It brings in some perspective and reminds us what happens to us happens to others as well.

Similarly, it can help you become more empathic and understanding to others when you imagine that what happened to them happened to you. We’re sometimes quick to judge someone as overreacting and dismiss their feelings, but when the same happens to us, we’d be the same. Or even worse.

So, when some inconvenience happens to you, think about the reaction you’d show if it happened to someone else. This will help you maintain your balanced mind.

Also, before you judge someone’s reaction to a misfortune, think about your own reaction to the same misfortune. This will help you be more understanding toward others.