The Little Book of Stoicism

Practice 50

Choose Your Company Well

“Avoid fraternizing with non-philosophers. If you must, though, be careful not to sink to their level; because, you know, if a companion is dirty, his friends cannot help but get a little dirty too, no matter how clean they started out.” – Epictetus

We can’t always choose the people we’re dealing with. That’s why the Stoics offer so many strategies to deal with challenging people.

But to a certain degree, we can choose our company. We can choose who we want to spend most of our leisure time with. We can choose which events we attend, and who to go with.

As Epictetus says, if our companions are dirty, we might get dirty as well. This is why Seneca warns us that vices are contagious—they spread like wildfire but don’t get noticed.

That’s peer pressure 101—we do things we usually wouldn’t do. We suddenly behave contrary to our values. We adapt to the people we surround ourselves with. Maybe you’ve heard Jim Rohn’s famous idea before: “You are the average of the five people you spend most time with.”

That’s why we should choose our friends carefully. They have the power to pull you either down or up to their level. You either get better, thanks to the people you spend time with, or you get worse because of them.

“Avoid feasting with low people. Those who are not modest even when sober become much more recklessly impudent after drinking.” Seneca makes a fair point. His solution?

“Associate with people who are likely to improve you.”

Now, you might have people you love, but who also drag you down with their attitudes, even when sober. They’re lazy. They don’t care much about moral standards. They aren’t interested in improving themselves, not to mention Stoicism. They think that’s the most boring and annoying idea you’ve ever shared with them.

What to do with those people? Epictetus says, “The key is to keep company only with people who uplift you, whose presence calls forth your best.”

So, either they’re willing to change for the better, or you simply spend less time with them. If your friends don’t make you better, don’t encourage you to push forward, don’t even support you in your ambitious pursuit of moral improvement, then it’s time to ditch them.

You don’t need to break up and never see them again, but you can consciously spend less time with them. And you can always talk to people, some will be all ears to hear about your newly gained knowledge, ideas, and activities.

Seneca also advises to spend less time with people who always complain: The companion “who is always upset and bemoans everything is a foe to tranquility.”

Apart from spending less time with the complaining and those who drag us down, we should try to spend more time with people who are likely to make us better. This makes total sense, if you spend time with an exemplar, you’re more likely to become like this person.

Where do you find people who’ll improve you? Be creative. Try a yoga class, attend TED talks or other lectures, join a book club or language course or whatever. I’m sure there are many people out there you can learn from.

Remember, though, you can be annoying too. We all have failings. So while thinking about surrounding ourselves with better people, we must not forget that we’re flawed, too. We make mistakes, we’re not always fair, and we can be nagging. Keep that in mind.

In conclusion, the idea to choose your company well is not only about the people you spend the lion’s share of your time with, but also about not wasting your precious time. Temptation and timewasters are lurking around the corner, so we need to pay attention to what we’re doing and who we’re doing it with.

Generally, if you want to be the best you can be, surround yourself with the best people. If you want to avoid getting angry and annoyed, don’t spend time with people who are likely to make you angry and annoyed.