The Little Book of Stoicism

Practice 47

Don’t Abandon Others nor Yourself

“As you move forward along the path of reason, people will stand in your way. They will never be able to keep you from doing what’s sound, so don’t let them knock out your goodwill for them. Keep a steady watch on both fronts, not only for well-based judgments and actions, but also for gentleness with those who would obstruct our path or create other difficulties. For getting angry is also a weakness, just as much as abandoning the task or surrendering under panic. For doing either is an equal desertion—the one by shrinking back and the other by estrangement from family and friend.” – Marcus Aurelius

You’re a reader. As a reader, you learn new ideas and different ways to approach and do things. You put into practice what resonates with you the most and as a consequence you ditch your old behavior and install the newly learned.

The point is, you change over time. You don’t stick to old habits just because it’s convenient, you want to grow and try new ways, and keep those that work.

A few years back, I learned a lot about milk and dairy foods and decided to ditch it for the good. This change affected mainly me. On a few occasions, it could have affected others as well, for example when I would have told my dad, “Sorry, I can’t eat this omelet because you put some milk in it.” Or when I would have said strictly no to every desert or food with a finger cup of milk in it.

I chose not to go down that path for simplicity reasons. For myself and others. I didn’t want to explain myself every time when I didn’t eat a certain food with a tiny amount of milk in it. Plus, some people would have felt like making something especially for me, and I didn’t want that. Also, I drank a lot of milk for all my life and it was never an issue, so why make a drama for just a sip?

So, with milk, this was a smooth change because it mainly affected myself and I chose not to go 100% strict.

But with other changes, we might encounter stronger headwinds. “As you move forward along the path of reason,” Marcus says, “people will stand in your way.” When you’re installing new habits and try to make progress, others might not be as quick or even willing to follow along.

Now it’s our challenge not to abandon our new path and, at the same time, not to abandon our friends and family.

Ryan Holiday compares it to a diet: When everyone in your clique is eating unhealthy, then there’s a natural alignment. But if, after reading some book, you choose to start eating healthy, suddenly there are opposing agendas. Now there’s an argument about where to eat.

“Just as you must not abandon your new path simply because other people may have a problem with it,” Ryan says, “you must not abandon those other folks either. Don’t simply write them off or leave them in the dust. Don’t get mad or fight with them. After all, they’re at the same place you were not long ago.”

Just because you read Wheat Belly and from one day to another choose not to eat gluten anymore, you cannot abandon all your friends for still eating gluten. I mean, just a few days ago it was you who organized pizza night.

So, we shouldn’t abandon others just because we chose to change, but we also shouldn’t abandon our new path. That’s a challenge we’ll all face sooner or later, not necessarily with the gluten, but maybe with other ideas and values.

Eating less (or no) meat, wasting less time playing video games, watching less news, spending more time outdoors, reading more, buying less material stuff, working out more often, stopping binge-drinking every weekend, or complaining less.

Now it’s a tough challenge to stick to your new path and not to abandon others. Because the differences might be huge. But, if you try and give it some time, I’m sure you’ll figure a way out. Choose to bring your own food to pizza night, prepare to fast if necessary, teach others about your reasons, and maybe compromise once a month.

Remain kind and patient with others, after all, you were at the same place not long ago.

Find ways to stick to your new path. Don’t bend your values.