Where'd You Go, Bernadette

Note from Tom, the blackberry abatement specialist

Audrey,

I did remove the blackberries on your property. The source of the vines you’re talking about is your neighbor’s house at the top of the hill. Their blackberries are the ones coming under your fence and into your garden.

To stop them, we could dig a trench at your property line and pour a concrete barrier, but it would need to be five feet deep, and that would be costly. You could also keep on top of them with weed killer, which I’m not sure you want to do because of the worms and the vegetables.

What really has to happen is the neighbor at the top of the hill has to eradicate their vines. I’ve never seen so many blackberries growing wild in the city of Seattle, especially on Queen Anne Hill, with your home prices. I saw a house on Vashon Island where the whole foundation was cracked by blackberry vines.

Since the neighbor’s bushes are on a steep hillside, they’re going to need a special machine. The best one is the CXJ Hillside Side-Arm Thrasher. I don’t have one of those myself.

Another option, and a better one in my opinion, is large pigs. You can rent a couple, and in a week’s time, they’ll pull out those blackberries by the roots and then some. Plus, they’re dang cute.

Do you want me to talk to the neighbor? I can go knock on the door. But it looks like nobody lives there.

Let me know.

Tom

From: Soo-Lin Lee-Segal

To: Audrey Griffin

Audrey,

I told you I’m starting to take the shuttle bus in to work, right? Well, guess who I rode in with this morning? Bernadette’s husband, Elgin Branch. (I know why I have to save money by taking the Microsoft Connector. But Elgin Branch?) I wasn’t certain it was him at first, that’s how little we all see of him at school.

So you’re going to love this. There was only one seat available, and it was next to Elgin Branch, an inside one between him and the window.

“Excuse me,” I said.

He was furiously typing on his laptop. Without looking up, he moved his knees to the side. I know he’s a Level 80 corporate VP, and I’m just an admin. But most gentlemen would stand up to let a woman through. I squeezed past him and sat down.

“Looks like we’re going to finally be getting some sunshine,” I said.

“That would be great.”

“I’m really looking forward to World Celebration Day,” I said. He looked a little frightened, like he had no idea who I was. “I’m Lincoln’s mom. From Galer Street.”

“Of course!” he said. “I’d love to chat, but I’ve got to get this email out.” He grabbed some headphones from around his neck, put them over his ears, and returned to his laptop. And get this — his headphones weren’t even plugged in! They were those sound-canceling ones! The whole ride to Redmond he never spoke to me again.

Now, Audrey, for the past five years we always figured Bernadette was the ghastly one. Turns out her husband is as rude and antisocial as she is! I was so miffed that when I got to work, I Googled Bernadette Fox. (Something I can’t believe I’ve waited until now to do, considering our unhealthy obsession with her!) Everyone knows Elgin Branch is team leader of Samantha 2 at Microsoft. But when I looked her up, nothing appeared. The only Bernadette Fox is some architect in California. I checked all combinations of her name — Bernadette Branch, Bernadette Fox-Branch. But our Bernadette, Bee’s mom, doesn’t exist as far as the Internet is concerned. Which, these days, is quite an accomplishment in itself.

On another topic, don’t you love Ollie-O? I was crushed when Microsoft ten-percented him last year. But if that hadn’t happened, we’d never have been able hire him to rebrand our little school.

Here at Microsoft, SteveB just called a town hall for the Monday after Thanksgiving. The rumor mill is going crazy. My PM asked me to book a meeting room for the hours just prior, and I’m hard-pressed to find one. That can mean only one thing: another round of layoffs. (Happy holidays!) Our team leader heard some scuttlebutt that our project was getting canceled, so he found the biggest email thread he could, wrote “Microsoft is a dinosaur whose stock is going to zero,” then hit Reply All. Never a good thing. Now I’m worried they’re going to punish the whole org and that I won’t land well. Or I might not land at all! What if that meeting room I booked was for my own firing?

Oh, Audrey, please keep me, Alexandra, and Lincoln in your prayers. I don’t know what I’d do if I got managed out. The benefits here are gold-plated. If I still have a job after the holidays, I’ll be happy to cover some of the food costs for the prospective parent brunch.

Soo-Lin