Where'd You Go, Bernadette

IM exchange between Dad and Soo-Lin during a staff meeting

SOO-LINL-S: Everything OK? You seem distracted.

ELGINB: Starting to question my sanity. Home stuff.

SOO-LINL-S: If you were to share your stories about Bernadette at a VAV meeting, you couldn’t get through two sentences without getting TORCHed. TORCH stands for: Time Out, Reality CHeck!

SOO-LINL-S: Any time a speaker slips into the abuser’s story — for instance, if I were to say something like “I know I’m always tired and all I want to talk about is work,” which is what Barry used to accuse me of — someone stands up and TORCHes them by yelling, “Time Out, Reality CHeck!”

SOO-LINL-S: It teaches us to separate our reality from our abuser’s story, which is the first step toward halting the abuse cycle.

SOO-LINL-S: I know you’ll be uncomfortable with some of the VAV terminology. I was, too. I thought, I’m not being abused by Barry.

SOO-LINL-S: But at VAV, our definition of abuse is intentionally broad and esteem-positive. We are victims, make no mistake about it, but we want to move beyond victimhood, which is a subtle yet important distinction.

SOO-LINL-S: Elgie, you are a Level 80 at the most successful company in the world. You’ve vested out three times. You have a daughter who’s thriving academically despite several heart surgeries.

SOO-LINL-S: Your TEDTalk is ranked number four on the all-time most-watched list yet you live with a woman who has no friends, destroys homes, and falls asleep in stores?

SOO-LINL-S: I’m sorry, Elgie, you are hereby TORCHed.

ELGINB: Thanks for this, but I kind of have to concentrate. Will read more carefully after meeting.