Why Men Love Bitches

A Lover or a Mother?

It’s a scenario that is all too familiar: a nice girl on “over-drive” trying to please her man. He comes home from work and she tries to have a conversation. He tunes her out saying, “I’m tired.” She makes dinner, but he eats in front of the TV so he can watch Monday Night Football. She tries to look pretty; he doesn’t notice. But watch what happens when he realizes the swimsuit issue got delivered; he almost hyper-ventilates. Diagnosis? She feels taken for granted.

Like the bum on the street with a sign that says Will work for food, your sign now reads Will work for attention. Well, no more “slummin,’” girlfriend. We are under new management. Under the old management, you dealt with his lack of attention by nagging. And if you’ll notice, it hasn’t worked. This is why all of the steps discussed in this chapter involve changes in demeanor. When you nag at a man, he becomes more reclusive.

Essentially, you always want to remember that although he is a grown man, inside there is a three-year-old causing him to have Appreciation Deficit Disorder. Whenever you nag, you activate this toddler, and you have a thirty second window before you’ve activated the “little boy gland.”

It’s as easy as changing a radio station. In thirty seconds, he’ll tune you out and won’t tune you back in until the nagging is over. It doesn’t matter if his pants are on fire and smoke has filled the room. He won’t hear a word you say. This is why you should communicate with your actions… rather than your words. Since a man won’t discuss feelings as a woman does, anything past the second repetition seems like nagging. Never ask a man to do something more than twice or he’ll feel as though he’s being scolded by Mom. And whenever you nag, he’ll behave like a stubborn teenager and rebel.

Women often say, “Little boys are so sweet. What changes?” According to Freud, it gets messed up somewhere around the potty-training years. To better understand the origin of the “little boy gland” and to see how a man takes a woman for granted, let’s now turn our attention to examine the behavior of a toddler.

A three-year-old wants to be independent of Mommy, but he also wants to take for granted that she is still right there within his reach. So he tests to see how far he can go. The disobedient little boy wobbles around a corner mischievously and pauses. Then he runs back around the corner to make sure Mommy’s still right there.

With a grown man, there’s one extra step in the middle. After he wobbles off but before he runs back, he will turn to look over his shoulder to see, “What will Mommy do next? Does she nag? Does she panic? Will she chase me?” Your reaction determines whether he’ll take one step closer or another step farther away.

Think about how futile nagging is. It gives him the reassurance that he can continue to be distant and you will still be there. Very little is negotiated with words. He doesn’t sit down and say, “Look, I want to be lazy in this relationship. But I’d like you to keep cooking me meals and I’d like you to keep having sex with me whenever it is convenient for me. In fact, I’m a little horny right now… wanna hop on?”

One would think a woman who’d accept these terms would have to be high on crack. Yet women accept these terms every day. Nonstop. “What went wrong?” she asks. In the beginning he went out of his way to show her he’s a gentleman; he opened car doors, he let her order first, and so on. So he knows how to treat a woman. The slacking off happens gradually without any negotiation and certainly without her consent, so she doesn’t fully realize it is happening until things have gotten so off course. Then she nags to try to get them back on.

Once a woman realizes a man is going into “couch potato” mode, she often mistakenly tries to address it. “You never take me out or bring me flowers anymore.” Or, “We never spend time together.” This is a sign to a man that he has her right where he wants her. Now he doesn’t participate because, in his mind, all it takes to satisfy her is his presence. He quips, “I’m with you, aren’t I?”

To get the three-year-old to run back to Mommy, she has to stay just outside his reach. The reason nagging keeps her within his reach is that he senses she is “locked down” waiting for him. She may be waiting for him to give more, participate more, or be more attentive in some way. But she’s still waiting. On hold.

The only thing worse than him being locked in a cage is the feeling that he has you locked in his. Hence the need for a 180-degree change as prescribed in this chapter.

When he takes you for granted, you’ve triggered the same kind of love he had for his mother, grandmother, or some other woman who raised him. Now you’ve become “old faithful.” No matter how much you scream at him, he knows you aren’t going anywhere. “She may kick my ass, but she’ll still love me and I can do whatever I want.” And it’s this very security blanket you don’t want him to have.

Men know it’s wrong, but they’ll still try to see how far they can push the envelope. As one man said to me, “Men will get away with what you let them get away with.” That isn’t to say there aren’t great guys out there. But a man with integrity, or anyone with integrity for that matter, doesn’t want something they haven’t earned. That’s why a high-caliber self-respecting guy will be attracted to a woman who won’t let someone walk all over her.

If he takes you for granted and you pull back a little with no explanation, it catches him off-guard and gets his attention bigtime. You’re no longer acting in a way he is used to and you are no longer his mommy. This action generates desire for you as a lover. But if you posture yourself as “old faithful,” he’ll perceive you as his mother and he’ll take you for granted.

Failure to get enough attention isn’t the only thing women complain about. Often women nag about household chores. Again, you have to condition him without words. Most men don’t particularly care if the place doesn’t look great or if it’s messy. Most guys are happy to come home and plunk down on the couch with the wornout spot and his butt imprint on it. He doesn’t care if the sink is full of dishes from the day before or that his shoes left muddy prints all over the carpet.

When you’re standing in a grocery line and you look at people with children, you’ll notice that the mother who has control over her child doesn’t nag or holler. She says one sentence or she gives the child a look. Because the child respects her and he is not sure what will happen next, he’ll straighten up. Words are not needed to teach a man how to treat you. A little bit of silence or distance will often do the trick.

Sometimes as a lover you will have to set forth terms that are also in the best interest of the “diapered one.” Why? He is a man. And there will forever be a three-year-old trapped inside him.

All of the behavioral changes discussed in this chapter allow you to keep a calm, charming, and pleasant demeanor. The objective is to avoid being his mother and to make the transition back to being his lover.

A man can’t correlate sexual feelings with feelings for his mother. So be careful of the female figure that you become in his life. To stay his lover, you have to keep him on his toes. This behavior incites his interest and makes him come your way. He is happier being your lover than he is when you become his mother. Granted, he looks comfortable and content on the couch. But he isn’t content when you become his mother because he no longer has a lover… and neither do you.

The balance of this chapter gives you insight into how to turn things around and bring him back to pursuit mode when his mind drifts elsewhere. Men are hunters. What he gets from the nice girl is a protective kind of motherly love that lessens his sexual desire. He doesn’t pursue his mom. What the nice girl needs to understand is that it takes the heat out of it for a man when you give him a predictable security blanket.

Women often reassure, or try to convince, a man to win him over. But the bitch wins him over by acting as though she could take him or leave him. Therefore, backing off in a subtle way will give your man renewed “pep” in his step. You can also apply the advice in this chapter:

• When he seems complacent

• When he waffles about whether to be in the relationship

• When he isn’t respectful

• When he repeatedly ignores what you need

Let’s get started. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200— because sister, there will be plenty of time for that later.

R_x: Treat Him Like a Friend

Think back to the beginning of your relationship when you first met your partner. You didn’t nag him. Chances are, you treated him much as you would a friend. You were relaxed; you had fun and laughed more. You felt comfortable speaking your mind. He wasn’t the “be all and end all” of your existence.

When you started nagging, your behavior began to tell a different story. “I’m affected by every move you make.” For this reason and this reason alone, nagging rewards him. Not because he enjoys it, but because it reassures him you care.

It doesn’t matter if you’re a high-powered litigation attorney and can give a closing argument that makes his head spin. Nagging still reassures him of where he stands and where you stand. It doesn’t give him anything to worry about, think about, or mull over. It doesn’t intrigue him or pull him in. Instead, he tunes you out.

Now you want to “talk” and he wants to do anything except talk. And if you press the issue, he’ll shift the blame.

• First, tell her that the timing to discuss it isn’t right. Remember, it’s never a good time to “talk.”

• Before hearing a word, tell her she took everything wrong and is being “too sensitive.”

• Get a rotation going: Monday and Wednesday she’s “overreacting.” Tuesday and Thursday she’s “blowing it out of proportion.” And on weekends she’s “imagining things.”

• Change the subject. Say, “You’re starting your period, aren’t you?”

• If this doesn’t work, pick a fight. Be very combative, but repeatedly point out that she was the one who started the argument.

• If she has six good points, and you have one semigood little point, place all of the emphasis on your one semigood little point.

• Don’t veer. Keep asking about your one little point over and over, then demand a quick answer. If she hesitates, use this as evidence that you are right.

• If she is clearly right, find fault with her that has nothing to do with the incident, and use that.

• Be sure to create your own imaginary panel of experts (composed of people she’s never met). Say, “Even Joe and Jim agree with me and think you are being completely unreasonable.”

• When she tries to explain the same thing in a different way, roll your eyes.

• Appoint yourself her inhouse therapist. Say, “You do this to yourself. Why do you do this to yourself?”

• Keep count of how many times she repeats herself, and be sure to remind her.

• It’s like boxing. Jab with the left; uppercut with the right. Then run…

• As Muhammad Ali used to say: “Float like a butterfly; sting like a bee.” Float by dodging the issue, and sting by asking why she “can’t let it go.”

• Keep dancing, and stay light on those feet.

• And, remember, it’s always her fault. That’s your story, and you are stickin’ to it.

The other thing he’ll do is tune you out completely. He can see lips moving, but he cannot hear what you are saying. Like a remote control in his head, you’ve been “muted.” Ideally his hope is that you’ll “nag yourself silly” to the point of exhaustion. He figures if he bides his time, eventually you’ll wear yourself out and go away.

Women differ in terms of how long it takes them to run out of steam. Evidently, according to the men I interviewed, each woman—as with clothing, perfume, and lovemaking—has her own “personalized style” of nagging. Here are some just to name a few:

The Marathon Nagger: This woman will nag for a longer time so she paces herself, for two to three hours.

The Sprint Nagger: This woman will nag for a shorter period of time. It’s a more intense burst, so she’ll get tired much more quickly.

The Momentum Whiner: This woman will start out with a whine and then will slowly pick up momentum, building up to a nag. Then she’ll cry. The longer she goes, the more momentum she builds and the less likely she is to stop.

The Sunrise Whiner: It starts as the sun comes up over the horizon. His eyes begin to open and he hears his first morning whine. Or he’s still asleep, and it wakes him like a rooster.

The Nightcap Nagger: Just as he is falling into a deep REM sleep, she nudges him and reminds him of something he has to do the following day

The Bushwhacker: This nagger employs the element of surprise. She catches him offguard at any moment in the day. One minute everything is going along fine and then, without any warning, she jumps out of the bushes and whacks him.

The Sniper: This is the premeditated nagger who will make one cutting remark. It’s usually a wellplaced shot that delivers a devastating blow.

Many times, when a man steps on a woman’s toes, he doesn’t have a clue. She has to remember that if something happens that she doesn’t like, he may not know any better.

Therefore, if she wants to tell him something he did that put her off, she should stay calm. Then she should say, “Could I explain something to you?” She needs to approach it as though he did not intend to hurt her because more often than not he doesn’t have an inkling.

Shaquille O’Neal said, “This is a tough game. There are times when you’ve got to play hurt, when you’ve got to block out the pain.” The reason that you block out the pain is that it impairs your decision-making. Long term, how you communicate will affect his desire for you.

If a woman is losing a man’s attention, it’s because the woman is following a predictable routine and she’s becoming an opponent rather than a partner. Therefore:

Envisioning him as just a friend enables you to relate to him without the heaviness or the intensity of the nagging. Don’t say, “Hey buddy Hey, pal,” and throw down a cold beer in front of him with a fake, peppermint-refreshing smile. Don’t offer to girl-watch with him or chew tobacco. Don’t overdo it.

Again, treat him as you would a friend, which means exude a demeanor that seems unlikely given the circumstances. If you’ve been uptight, needy, or clingy, appearing casual, relaxed, and unconcerned is the unlikely response that he would expect.

For example, if he has excuses for why he isn’t spending time with you, you need to make excuses for why you can’t spend time with him. Is it a game? No. If he’s too busy and you’ve already tried telling him how you feel, it’s time to show him with your actions that he will no longer be dictating the terms. Because his terms will most likely continue to drive a wedge between you—and that’s not the outcome you want.

Here is a classic case in point. You want to see more of him and you suggest going away for the weekend together. He says, “No, I can’t because of work.” You’ve typically whined over the issue of him not spending enough time with you. What will throw him and get his attention is if you go left when he thinks you’ll go right.

If you don’t cop an attitude or you appear to lose interest in going away, he’ll immediately be concerned. Most men are used to women wanting to be around them all the time. He gets concerned when he’s busy trying to defend something you mysteriously no longer want. If you don’t bring it up and pretend to forget all about it, he second-guesses himself: “Hmm… why is this okay with her when I know it’s wrong?” Now his clout or leverage with you will be called into question, and he no longer knows if he has a 100 percent hold on you. When he doesn’t get the nagging but he knows he deserves it, he begins to wonder what’s going on.

Let’s say he likes seeing you two nights a week, but he likes to do his own thing on the weekends. Some weekends you get together and other weekends he leaves you hanging when he goes out with the boys. The last thing you want to let Yogi Bear think is that you are Boo Boo the fool. “Gee, Yogi what are we going to do next? Okay!”

You need to alter the pattern that has become convenient for him with no attitude and no warning. Use the same type of excuses that he wanted you to accept. See him half as much as he wants to see you. “I’d love to see you Thursday, but I can’t. I am really behind in my work. I want to go to the gym after work, and I’m going to be too tired. We’ll get together next week.” In that one gesture, you’ve done something you could have never accomplished with all the whining and nagging in the world. You’ve just rekindled the flame.

The second you take away the security of a predictable routine, his orientation changes. Instead of worrying about buying time or making excuses about work, he has to think of something fun to do so you’ll want to be with him. When you’re not available, he’ll go out of his way to make more time for you.

If you ask any parrot trainer how to train a parrot, he or she will tell you to raise the perch to about shoulder level. The trainer will tell you not to raise the bird up higher than you, because the bird will think he is better than you. No matter how much the bird loves you, if you put your finger up over your head to touch him, he’ll be more inclined to bite you. This dynamic with birds is where the term cocky originated.

If, on the other hand, you put the bird on the ground, the bird feels vulnerable. Trainers suggest doing this to keep the bird “in check.” If you put your finger out, instead of biting you, he’ll crawl up on your finger and want to get on your arm. When your man behaves as though he is more worthy than you, recreate the balance and equality in the relationship by gently taking the “little birdie” and putting him on the ground.

For example, Rhonda was being taken for granted by her boyfriend. He asked her to “come over” late one night. She indicated she didn’t have a car because it was in the shop. He was seven minutes away with a car that was running fine, parked right there in his driveway. He asked, “So, Rhonda, when will your car be ready?” After realizing that she had no wheels, he dropped the subject of getting together.

In this example, Rhonda was “dissed” by a guy who wanted her to keep him warm at night but wouldn’t drive seven minutes to pick her up. Typically, she would have nagged, but she didn’t this time. The next time he called, Rhonda spoke to him very casually as though he were an acquaintance. A friend. A pal. A muchacho. She said, “Hey, great to hear from you. Can you call me back in a few? I am on the other line.” He called back and she was in the shower. Then he called a third time. They chatted a bit casually. For the first time in their relationship, her disposition changed from intense to indifferent. After a short while, her call waiting beeped through and she politely ended the conversation. “Talk to you soon. Bye, sweetie.” Almost immediately, the guy started to become much more attentive.

Let’s hit the “pause” button. Rewind… now, let’s review play-by-play. Notice how simple it was for Rhonda to get him to realize he needs to give more.

1. He wasn’t nice.

2. He knows he wasn’t nice.

3. He expected her to nag.

4. She didn’t nag.

5. He was unsure.

6. She was relaxed and self-assured.

7. She gave no explanation and no attitude.

8. He said to himself, “Uh oh. I better get busy.”

When you nag, you become the problem,

and he deals with it by tuning you out.

But when you don’t nag, he deals with the problem.

When there is a problem, men love to “fix” it. By nagging, you make it seem as though the problem lies with you. A perfect example is Diana, who started nagging her husband to fix a latch in the laundry room. After the third time she asked, he became so irritated that no force on earth could get him to fix that latch.

One evening some friends came over. While her husband was within earshot, Diana asked her friend’s husband to fix the latch in the laundry room, in that sweet “damsel in distress” tone of voice that men eat up. Then she started looking for a screwdriver. Before she could even turn around, her husband ran up the stairs like Speedy Gonzales and fixed the latch in two minutes flat.

Men despise it when other men fix things for them. It’s a territorial thing—like some other man is treading on his turf. When you’ve asked him to do something a few times and he doesn’t do it, say, “Honey, it’s okay. I don’t need you to do it anymore. Ed, our nextdoor neighbor, said he’d come over and do it.” If you don’t have a neighbor, tell him his best friend will come do it. This is how you will get whatever it is you want done, right then and there.

My friend Lucy noticed that when she asked her husband for help in various ways, he was less attentive. For example, she often asked him to help bring in the groceries when she came back from the market. He was always in the middle of something, so he said, “Give me a minute.” A minute later she said, “The food is going to spoil.” And she kept repeating herself. “The food is going to go bad. If you’re going to do it, please do it now.” Every time she went to the market, it became a power struggle.

Then she stopped asking for his help and she noticed a change. When she brought in the groceries and he asked if she wanted a hand she said, “No thanks, sweetie. I’ve got it.” Suddenly, he was out there insisting on bringing in the groceries.

Then there’s my friend Rayanna, who found herself repeatedly nagging her husband to take their child to school. He always made excuses to avoid doing the driving. But instead of nagging him, Rayanna found a single dad down the street to carpool with. When her husband got wind of the fact that a neighbor was doing the driving, suddenly Papa Bear put a chauffeur hat on.

Remember, men need a little coaxing. They aren’t the most talented when it comes to running a household. Before he was Papa Bear, he lived the life of the untamed bear, living in his bachelor’s habitat (with furniture). Think back to your first walk-through. The sheets didn’t match and the pillows didn’t have cases on them. His lamp consisted of a velour hand-me-down shade on a contemporary silver stand with air fresheners stuck to each side. It was so ugly that even the Salvation Army truck kept driving when you put it on the edge of the driveway.

So the day the “live-in bear” sets the living standard is the day your living standard plummets. Stake your claim, but do it without nagging him. There’s a better way.

When you use guilt or nagging to motivate him, he feels bad. If you stroke his ego, however, he feels good. He needs to be praised. When he goes out to straighten the mailbox and he comes back inside, say, “Thank you so much, sweetie!” Praise him the whole way. Then he’ll say, “Why don’t I fix that latch in the laundry room?”

Barbara told a funny story of how she engaged her husband in helping out one lazy Sunday afternoon. She sneaked down into the garage when her husband wasn’t looking and figured out which circuit breaker turned off the lights to the part of the house he was in. Then she flipped it off and tiptoed back into the house and pretended as though she had no idea what happened. “Honey? I’m scared! What happened to the power?” He’d never think she had the brains to turn off a circuit breaker. Now she gave him a jolt with a jumper cable that got him right up off the couch. Big Papa to the rescue! Then he helped out because he felt needed—as the “man of the house.”

He found a flashlight and went downstairs to the circuit-breaker box. He assigned her the very complicated duty of holding the flashlight for him. “Hold it steady.” When he flipped the circuit breaker back on, she appeared proud and impressed. “Wow! I can’t believe it. How did you do that?” Then she called his mom. “Mom, he is so smart…”

When you make him feel like the man? The stud-muffin? The legend? You can ask him to do anything and he’ll jump to do it. He won’t do it because you nagged him, he’ll do it because he wants to. And he’ll now feel good about it.

As John Churton Collins said, “Never claim as a right what you can ask as a favor.” Nagging makes it a right; asking for a favor makes it a positive experience. He’ll come running to help if he’s going to be praised. Just as a woman wants to be perceived as a “dream girl” to a man, a man wants to be perceived as a “hero” in his woman’s eyes.

“Show” Is Better Than “Tell”

If you’ve been nagging and you want to get his attention, try something new on for size. Don’t show your feelings for a little while. And don’t explain why, Don’t tell him that you’ve had an epiphany. Don’t say this is the “new me.” Don’t exaggerate the change. “Feelings? What feelings?” Show—rather than tell—him that you aren’t spilling your guts anymore.

Pop psychologists would suggest that you shouldn’t withhold how you feel. They tell you to “express yourself.” Begin every sentence with “I feel…” Ask for feedback. Then sit in a circle, hold hands, and pass around the Kleenex. Promise never to do it again and live happily ever after. Then pay the therapist $175. It’s a wonderful theoretical ideal. It feels warm and fuzzy just thinking about “expressing those feelings.” And I’m sure on rare occasions it even works (because after spending $20,000 total on a therapist, you can’t bear to think that it hasn’t). But don’t kid yourself. No man changes because of couples therapy. Men think of therapy as a form of black-mail—coercion with a ransom. The only reason they straighten up is to keep from going broke. Half a session will usually do the trick. “Okay. I’m all better. Can we stop the clock now?”

Expressing yourself when he takes you for granted doesn’t work. You have to show him with actions. Expressing your feelings constantly is like pleading. It comes across as needy rather than dignified. But backing away when he crosses the line? Plenty dignified.

When he is intrigued because the cards aren’t out on the table, he is forced to see you differently. It isn’t the love he had for his mother. Or his sister. Or his grandma. Now you have his attention because he is no longer in the “safety zone” that enables him to have his cake and eat it, too.

This isn’t being mean. Men are turned on by it. Think about the average run-of-the-mill male fantasy he had growing up: It’s always a woman who has power over him. There’s the teacher he had in the eighth grade, the nurse at the doctor’s office, the babysitter who gave him a few extra cookies, the policewoman with the handcuffs. All of these women, in their own feminine ways, have power over him and leave him at a disadvantage and he likes it.

When you tell a man how you feel, most of the time he doesn’t understand what you’re talking about. You’ll probably just confuse and frustrate him. If you take a look at Attraction Principle #62, you’ll see what he does understand.

My friend Gary races cars, and he shared a story about a girlfriend who nagged him. After a particular racing event, Gary was sitting next to his girlfriend in the stands. A couple of friendly women approached them and asked for his autograph. He recalls, “I couldn’t believe my girlfriend got so upset because I didn’t introduce her as my girlfriend. I just forgot, but she kept nagging. She even pouted.” What he said next is interesting: “Do you know what the biggest turnoff is? A martyr.”

We don’t know if she overreacted because he may have been flirting up a storm. But what’s interesting about this story is his choice of the word martyr. She was trying to use guilt to control and manipulate him; and men resent being manipulated. On the other hand, if she had backed off subtly, he’d have seen a woman who has pride and dignity—both of which are powerfully attractive qualities.

If a man isn’t being nice when you’re out, all you have to do is remain polite and then go home early. “I have a big day tomorrow. [Yawn.] We need to call this an early night.” The next time you go out, he’ll be on his best behavior.

An acquaintance of mine named Cynthia told me a funny story about her boyfriend. They were seeing each other exclusively, and one night he went to a stripbar. She was not a happy camper and wanted to discourage him from going again. She did not nag. A couple of days later, she pretended that she had gotten a job at a local strip club. “Checking coats. Isn’t that great?” Then she talked about finding the right platform shoes.

On their next date, she wore hot pink lipstick and teased her hair as though she’d been electrocuted. Then came the light blue eyeshadow on the entire lid, all the way up to the eyebrow. He wanted to see “hoochies” and girlfriend delivered a “superdeluxe hoochie” package.

It didn’t take long before he came unglued: “I don’t want my woman in a place like that!” This began a discussion that ended in a mutual agreement that they would both stay out of “places like that.” (See? Why argue your case when you can get him to argue it for you?)

There are times when a serious issue arises, and there is a need for a more serious discussion. If and when this situation presents itself, there is still a way of emphasizing your position without nagging or repeating yourself several times. If he asks, “Is something wrong?” take a breath and respond calmly. “Yes, something is wrong, but I’d like to talk about it later. I really don’t want to talk about it now.”

Instead of being muted, the volume is now turned up and the surround-sound is on. Chances are you won’t have to say a word because by the time you do get around to discussing it, he’s already made sure he won’t do it again. Meanwhile, he’s thinking of ways to make it up to you. All before you’ve said one word. Better, no?

It’s like he’s defragmenting his hard drive. You’re making him clean up his own hard drive without any nagging what-soever. You walk away and do your own thing… while he is “self-correcting” himself.

A lot of women think they need to “cattle prod” the guy out of his oblivion by nagging. “I’ll sting him.” Or they don’t realize that they’re nagging.

Every now and then remind yourself: “Hey, men are people too.” And put yourself in his shoes—being around someone who acts like your mother isn’t a whole lot of fun.

It’s with your behavior, not with your words, that you let him know where you stand.

After all, a strong woman is everything men dream and fantasize about. Baseball, hot dogs, apple pie, and… bitches—it doesn’t get any better than that.