Why Men Love Bitches

Meet the Nice Girl

Everyone has known a “nice girl.” She is the woman who will overcompensate, giving everything to a man she barely knows, without him having to invest much in the relationship. She’s the woman who gives blindly because she wants so much for her attentions to be reciprocated. She’s the woman who goes along with what she thinks her man will like or want because she wants to keep the relationship at all costs. Every woman, at some point, has been there.

Certainly, the average fashion magazine gives women ridiculous relationship advice that makes it easy to understand why women are so eager to overcompensate: “Play hard to get, then cook him a four-course meal… bake him Valentine’s cookies with exotic sprinkles shipped from Malaysia (just like Martha Stewart). Don’t forget the little doilies and the organic strawberries that you drove two hours to get. Then serve it all to him on the second date, wearing a black lace nightie.” And what is this a recipe for? Disaster.

Especially when it comes to dealing with a man. With one caveat: If you chase him in a black nightie, first he’ll have sex with you… and then he’ll run.

Why does a man run from a situation like this one? He runs because the woman’s behavior doesn’t suggest that she places a high value on herself. The relationship is new, and the bond between them is relatively shallow. Yet she’s already dealt him her best card.

The fact that she is willing to overcompensate to a virtual stranger immediately suggests one of two things. He’ll either assume she is desperate, or he’ll assume she is willing to sleep with all men right away. Or both. What gets lost is his appreciation for her extra effort. Once a man begins to lose respect for a woman because she is willing to subtly devalue herself, he will also lose the desire to get closer to her. Nightie or no nightie.

A dreamgirl, on the other hand, won’t kill herself to impress anyone. This is why the woman he really falls in love with doesn’t serve a four-course meal. And you won’t see her breaking out the fancy china, either. She’ll start out cooking him a one-course meal. (Popcorn.) No fancy doilies. A Tupperware bowl does the trick. She simply asks her guest, “Hey, do you want the bag or the bowl?” Six months later, the same woman throws together a meal and puts down a hot plate in front of him. And what does he say to himself? “Man! I’m special!”

It doesn’t matter if it is pasta with Ragu topped by a meat-ball you picked up at the corner deli. He’ll say, “This is the best pasta I have ever had in my life!”

Now he feels like a king. And the only difference is the amount of time and effort he had to invest, first. He didn’t get it all right up front and he appreciated it more.

This isn’t about how to play a game or how to manipulate someone. This is about whether you are genuinely needy, or whether you can genuinely show him that you’ll be an equal partner in the relationship. It’s about whether you are capable of holding your own in a relationship.

What would happen if you let him know from day one that you are willing to bend over backward? He’d think you’re desperate, and he’d want to see just how far you’d be willing to bend. It is human nature. He’d immediately start to test the waters. The more malleable you’d become, the more he’d expect you to bend. He’ll instantly perceive you as a Duracell battery, as in, “Just how far will she go? How much can I get out of her?”

Nice girls need to know what a bitch understands. Overcompensating or being too eager to please will lessen a man’s respect; it will give the kiss of death to his attraction, and it will put a time limit on the relationship.

Most men don’t perceive a woman who jumps through hoops as someone who offers a mental challenge. Intelligent women make the mistake of assuming that if they hold a higher degree, they can hold their own in a political debate, and they have a good understanding of mid-caps, they offer a man mental stimulation during dinner. But the mental challenge has little to do with conversation. (Granted, if she thinks that Al Green and Alan Greenspan are the same person, then Houston? We have a problem.)

In general, the mental challenge has to do with whether you expect to be respected. It has to do with how you relate to him. It has to do with whether he knows that you aren’t afraid to be without him.

The nice girl makes the mistake of being available all the time. “I don’t want to play games,” she says. So, she lets him see how afraid she is to be without him and he soon comes to feel as though he has a 100 percent hold on her. This is often the point when women begin to complain: “He doesn’t make enough time for me. He isn’t as romantic as he used to be.”

A bitch is more selective about her availability. She’s available sometimes; other times she’s not. But she’s nice. Nice enough, that is, to consider his preferences for when he’d like to see her so that she can sometimes accommodate them. Translation? No 100 percent hold.

What about the woman who will drop everything and drive to see a man? The man also knows he has a 100 percent hold on her. After a couple of dates, he goes out with the boys, comes in at midnight, calls her, and off she goes to see him. When a woman drives to see a man in the middle of the night, the only thing missing is a neon sign on the roof of her car that says WE DELIVER.

Your time with him is telling. The nice girl sits in a chair after a week of knowing the guy, bored out of her mind as he does something that interests him. He may be watching sports on TV, cleaning his fishing gear, strumming his guitar, or working on his car. She is miserable but doesn’t say a peep. Instead, she tries to make the best of it and twiddles her thumbs politely, just so she can be in his company.

The bitch, on the other hand, makes plenty of peeps. In fact, she is bitching the whole way through. This is not a bad thing, because then he knows he can’t walk all over her. But remember, a mental challenge has little to do with being verbally combative. It has to do with your actions and how much of yourself you are willing to give up. For example, he says he likes blondes. You have dark skin, dark eyes, and black hair. The next time he sees you, you’ve bleached your hair and dyed your eyebrows to match. Translation? He’ll sense he has a 100 percent hold on you.

“A man’s love comes from his stomach,” they say. That’s true, but no one said to slave for six hours to feed him. Whether he eats out or you order take-out, the stomach is full, and there is plenty of love to go around. Rule of thumb: If it is warm, he’ll eat it. The rest is wasted effort.

Women are conditioned to give themselves away. I have yet to see a men’s magazine with an article on how to cook a woman a four-course meal. The closest they ever come to a recipe is in the bodybuilder section, when they tell guys to mix up a few egg whites with some wheat germ.

I raise the issue of cooking because it’s one of many ways that women overcompensate. This doesn’t mean you should forgo cooking altogether. Perhaps it’s your anniversary, and you’ve been together a whole year. Perhaps it is his birthday, and you want to do something special for him.

On a special occasion, and after he has earned it, cooking him a meal is a nice “treat.” But it isn’t a treat if you give it to him right off the bat. Since this is a book for women, I would be remiss if I didn’t include some recipes for those first weeks in a relationship. And, unlike Martha Stewart’s recipes, the following are easy to remember. You don’t even need recipe cards.

I recommend popcorn for its convenience and quick preparation time. First, place the bag in the microwave. When all the kernels have popped, remove the popcorn from the microwave carefully, because it will be very hot. Be sure to wear a cooking mitt, an apron, and a spatula to assist in the removal of the popcorn from the microwave. This will not only impress your guest, it will also make it look like you really know what you’re doing.

If you find that the popcorn is burned, notice where it is burned. If it’s black at the top, dump out the black part and salvage the rest by pouring it into a bowl. Serve the yellow part to your guest, and then adjust the time when you make a new bag for yourself.

Serves: one and a half. (Good enough.)

Bring a pot of water to a boil, and plop in two wieners. Cook them for five minutes so the wieners are tough or slightly al dente. Pour your guest a refreshing beverage (Kool-Aid). Then send him onto your balcony so he can enjoy the lovely view—as ambience is everything. When he isn’t looking, slice and dice the little wieners and stick a toothpick into each piece. Like Martha, you can truly express your creativity with a wide assortment of different colored toothpicks. Now serve the little weiners with two “delicate dipping” sauces, served side by side: ketchup and mustard. And never refer to them as weiner slices, always refer to them as “Gourmet Delicate Dippings.”

Now for dessert: a jelly roll (Hostess) served with coffee (instant). And an after-dinner mint always makes a classy finishing touch. I recommend peppermint, spearmint, or Trident.

You’ll know dinner was a smashing success when he insists on taking you out to eat next time. Never again will you hear him utter the words, “Hey, what’s for dinner?”

If, after some time, he ever slips and asks you to cook, simply offer to make your specialty: popcorn, wieners, and a jelly roll, with coffee and Kool-Aid to help wash it down. Then start getting ready because you’ll have reservations within the hour.

The bitch is not the woman who will sit at home and work overtime to refine her “man-catching” skills. All she feels she has to do in the beginning is focus on being good company. This is more than enough until he earns the “cat-bird seat” at the top of the yacht.

In the beginning, pay close attention and take note of the following: If he’s unwilling to lift a finger during the courtship, he is showing you right up front that he has nothing to offer you in the future. This behavior has nothing to do with your worth. It has everything to do with what he has to offer. And it also has to do with how you present yourself. Are you working overtime? If he has a lot to offer but you don’t allow him to come your way, he’ll have no other option but to back off. When a nice girl over-compensates, her behavior says, “What I have to offer isn’t enough, and who I am isn’t enough.” The bitch, on the other hand, gives a very different message. “Who I am is enough. Take it or leave it.” And now, a comparison:

The foundation is laid from day one. From the very beginning, he consciously (yes, consciously) tries to figure out what the parameters are and how much he can get away with.

Phone etiquette is also telling. Do you wait to hear from him before you make plans? Do you get bent out of shape if he doesn’t call, check in, or show up as expected?

If so, you are not giving him a lesson in punctuality. What you are doing is showing him he has a 100 percent hold on you, which isn’t a good message to give someone you’ve just met.

It’s a fact that most men deliberately don’t call, just to see how you’ll respond. When a woman is upset, she is easy to read. And a man can easily gauge how much a woman wants or needs the relationship by simply pulling back a little bit. So forget all those other theories from magazines about why men don’t call.

It is human nature for a man to test the waters to see how much he can get away with. You see it in the behavior of children and even in the behavior of pets. It’s par for the course.

Pulling back is also something men do to gain reassurance. No man is going to say, “Honey, I need reassurance about where I stand with you.” Instead he’ll pull back to see how you’ll react. When you react emotionally, it gives him a feeling of control. And if you react emotionally frequently, over time he will come to see you as less of a mental challenge. If he can’t predict how you’ll always react, you remain a challenge.

It also gives him something he absolutely needs: the freedom to breathe. If you don’t hear from him for a little longer than usual, show him that you have absolutely no “attitude” about it. This behavior will make him a little unsure about whether you miss him (i.e., “need him”) when he isn’t around. It gives him a reason to come your way because he won’t perceive you as needy.

Try not to say things such as “Why haven’t you called me?” or “Why haven’t I heard from you in a week?” If you act as though you haven’t even noticed (because time flies when you’re having fun), he will come your way. Why? Because he doesn’t feel as though he has a 100 percent hold on you.

A top teen magazine recently gave women the following bad advice. They said to slip notes in unexpected places like his backpack or locker, or to “write a poem and slip it under his windshield wiper.” As if this wasn’t enough to give his attraction the kiss of death… Wait, it gets better. In addition, they advised catching him off guard by “having a pizza delivered.” Okay. Put it all together and what do you get? A magic recipe for convincing him you are a stalker.

Again, it isn’t about learning how to play a game. It’s about understanding human nature and behaving accordingly A man will always want what he can’t have. When a man meets a woman and she seems nonchalant, it becomes a challenge for him to win her affections.

Or, if he tries to get a woman to react in an insecure way but she holds herself with a level of dignity and pride, suddenly the dynamic changes. The same guy who was gunshy of relationships becomes a believer. Now he begins to fantasize about getting the so-called bitch to cook him a meal, fold his socks, or chase him around. But if you start out dependent on him, he simply doesn’t value it the same.

Another mistake that a woman can make is to put herself down. When you’re on a date, you should never talk about the plastic surgery you want to have or the weight you want to lose. Don’t talk him out of a compliment. This is the time to be sure of who you are.

So, what’s the right attitude? “This is me, in all of my splendor… and it doesn’t get any better than this.” Don’t spend a fortune on a therapist. Just say it to yourself until you believe it. Eventually you will believe it, and so will he.

Humility? Don’t worry. It’s a treatable affliction, a mental glitch. If you catch yourself being modest or humble or any of that nonsense, correct the problem immediately. Go directly back to believing you are “a catch.” Period. End of story. Case closed. If someone else doesn’t like your confidence, that’s their problem. Why? You always come before they do, that’s why.

Case in point: Ever hear a man say that all the guys wanted his exgirlfriend? He’ll build her up so much that when you finally see a picture, you are dumbfounded. What you really want to say is, “Honey, she looks like she had the starring role in Lassie Comes Home.” Don’t bother because he’ll rush to her defense: “She looked better in real life.” No sale… try again. “She looked better back then? (Pause.) It was a really bad picture, no, really.” (Still, no sale.)

What women need to understand is that when a man considers a woman to be a prize, looks have very little to do with it. In the above example, it was a simple mind trick that goes like this: She acted like a prize, and then a funny thing happened. He completely forgot who he was looking at.

The same works in reverse. A beautiful woman can make herself look ugly in the eyes of a man if she is very insecure.

He pursued you; therefore, he finds you attractive. An understated demeanor and a confident attitude will convince him you’re gorgeous.

Never assume you are not attractive enough, and therefore you have to overcompensate or chase a man. Taste is subjective. One man’s “ugly” is another man’s “beautiful.” The first date is about looks. When he falls in love, it’s about your attitude. It’s about whether you can hold your own. Which is all about how you hold yourself.

A woman also demeans herself when she compares herself to another woman. So, don’t let on when you feel threatened by another attractive woman who walks into the room. If you want to make a woman who is a 6 on a scale of 10 look like a 12, what do you need to do? Simple. Act threatened by her. If you pretend not to notice her, he’ll see your confidence in yourself and then he’ll become intrigued with you. Then another curious thing will happen. Suddenly she won’t look so good. She only has as much power as you give her.

A girlfriend of mine named Samantha went on a first date with a man who took her to a local boxing match. In between rounds, as always, there was a sexy, barely dressed stripper who came out holding the round number. Her date looked at the woman and then, in an effort to be a gentleman, turned to look at Samantha. She acted as though she was oblivious as to why he had turned to look at her.

When the woman came out again in the following round in a see-through lace nightie, my friend leaned down under the seat and nonchalantly asked her date if she could drink some of the water in his water bottle. He said, “Sure.” At no time did she behave as if she was threatened. Instead, she remained very composed as though the other woman didn’t even exist. By the end of the third round, he no longer noticed the woman in the boxing ring.

The end result was that he was completely enamored with Samantha. And while driving home, he kept saying how incredibly beautiful he thought she was. The proof was in the pudding. He continued to pursue her, not the stripper who overcompensated, to get the kind of attention that is often very short-lived.

While my friend’s behavior was exemplary, his wasn’t all that romantic. It should not go unnoticed that a man is willing to take you somewhere unromantic on the first date. If a man takes you to a boxing match, a strip joint, or a place he might typically hang out with a bunch of guys, he’s telling you by the choices he is making that he doesn’t plan to have you around that long. If this is where he takes you on a first date, don’t go out with him a second time.

If you are in an uncomfortable situation, don’t feel compelled to compete with another woman. In addition, you don’t need to expose a lot of skin or feel as if you have to work harder to earn a man’s sexual attention. I know a woman who takes off layers of clothes based on how the other women in the room are dressed. The issue again is overcompensation. No need.

Wearing your sexuality on your sleeve isn’t advantageous in luring a man. The issue is not about whether you are successful in turning him on; this is no big achievement. He can get aroused from riding a motorcycle or from sleeping. The issue is not whether you turn him on; it’s whether he stays turned on after he has been satisfied. This is the key.

Quality men are attracted by less, not more. If he sees a pretty secretary wearing her hair in a bun, right there in broad daylight he’s going to start wondering what she looks like with her hair down. If he sees a woman dressed in a way that shows there is something moving behind a sweater that he can’t see, his desire to see is greater than if she’s showing it right off the bat. When you show your shape, but don’t expose every inch, the “unwrapping of the gift” becomes much more stimulating. If he has to unbutton an item of clothing to get to what he wants to see, it turns him on more. Not less.

You often hear a man say of a provocatively dressed woman, “I wouldn’t kick her out of bed for eating crackers.” This is true until he’s had “his way” with her and then crackers or no crackers, he moves on. The difficult part isn’t getting a man’s interest. The trick is knowing how to sustain it.

Much of holding your own in a relationship begins with how you hold yourself. Overcompensating is overcompensating, and it includes everything from calling a man too much to cooking a four-course meal to dressing too provocatively. Remember the saying: The candle that burns twice as bright burns half as long.

If, at a later date, you dress provocatively, that’s another story. Then he knows you are doing it just for him, so it becomes a treat. This is why you often hear men say they want a lady in the living room and a whore in the bedroom. It’s what you don’t show that keeps him intrigued.

Don’t let the advertisements on TV be your guide. The woman who sustains a man’s interest is not the one who feels confident because of a particular miniskirt, a belly ring, or a black dress with a plunging neckline. A bitch doesn’t rely on these things to feel good about herself. She relies on who she is as a woman.

“He should accept me as I am!” says the woman who is too nice. Accept you? Oh no, sister. Slap yourself. He should want you madly. Acceptance has nothing to do with it. He accepts a doormat. But he desires his dreamgirl. If you want acceptance, go to a self-help group. We’re talking about what he craves. It started when he was a kid. When he received a toy for Christmas that he didn’t even ask for, he played with it for a whole five minutes. The toy he cherished was the one he bought with two months’ allowance that sat on the top shelf in the toy store. He couldn’t reach it but went in to look at it all the time. He got up every morning at the crack of dawn to toss papers on a paper route to get that toy. It’s the one toy he will always remember because he had to earn it.

But with the bitch? There’s no lack of sexual chemistry.

She Has That “Je Ne Sais Quoi”

Je ne sais quoi is a French expression that translates to “I don’t know what.” It implies “that something special” that there aren’t words for. It is that elusive charming quality you just cannot put your finger on. What does this quality boil down to? A woman who is comfortable in her own skin and cannot be made to feel bad about herself.

It isn’t about looks; gorgeous women get dumped every day. It isn’t about intelligence. Women of all types, from brilliant women to women with the IQ equivalent of plant life, pull it off every day. It’s about mystery and learning how to create intrigue.

When you lose your edge, the relationship loses its fire. Think of him as the match. You are the striking board on the back of the match cover. When the rough edge or sand wears off and starts to become dull, it is much harder to get that spark.

For example, the man may say. “Maybe I need a little time to think things over.” The woman who is too nice responds, “Please don’t leave me.” Not the bitch. She offers to help him pack. Why (choose A, B, or C)?

A. She is helpful.

B. He can’t pack.

C. She loves herself.

Hint: The correct answer is C. Because she loves herself, the bitch doesn’t want anyone who doesn’t want her. She doesn’t grab his ankles and beg for mercy. She keeps that edge. And, in doing so, she prevents him from wanting to go.

Her aura says she doesn’t want him desperately enough, need him desperately enough, or let him get under her skin enough. She is driving that train. Effortlessly. And it is that very ease that translates into charm.

Je ne sais quoi is a sexy devil-may-care attitude. Not only isn’t the bitch needy of him, she often isn’t focused on him.

Ever notice that when you are on the phone ignoring the man you are with, suddenly he’ll kiss your neck and try to get your attention? Ignore him and he is intrigued. Make him the center of attention all the time and he runs.

Margaret Atwood said, “Fear has a smell, as love does.” It is said that excitement and fear come from the same part of the brain. When a man is slightly afraid of losing a woman, his excitement is piqued.

His psyche is like a plant. It needs water but also air to breathe. To give a man too much reassurance too soon is the same as overwatering a plant. It kills it.

One of the things women have to get out of their mindset is the notion of what a bitch is. A bitch is nice. She’s sweet as a Georgia peach. She smiles and she is feminine. She just doesn’t make decisions based on the fear of losing a man.

The difference between the bitch and the nice girl is not so much in their personalities or in their demeanor. It has nothing to do with how abrasive a woman is. A bitch is a bitch with her actions, because she isn’t willing to give herself up.

The bitch remains the person she is throughout her relationship with a man. She doesn’t lose her friends. She doesn’t give up her career or her hobbies. She doesn’t give up all of her time or bend over backward. And, unlike the nice girl, she is not too tolerant of disrespect.

She also keeps her edge and has enormous self-respect; she holds the conviction that her self-worth governs her decisions. Because she is not afraid, ironically he becomes afraid to lose her. Because she is not needy, he starts to need her. Because she isn’t dependent on him, he begins to depend on her. It’s like a reverse magnet. The person who is least dependent on the outcome of the relationship will automatically draw the other person in.

Meet the “New and Improved” Bitch

Let us conclude this chapter by redefining the word bitch. Think of it as a “term of endearment.” A bitch is not a woman who speaks in a harsh tone of voice. It is not a woman who is abrasive or rude. She is polite but clear. She communicates directly with a man, in much the same way men communicate with one another. In this way, it’s easier for a man to deal with her than with a woman who waffles or appears too emotional, because the emotionally sensitive type of woman confuses him. The bitch knows what she likes and has an easier time expressing it directly. As a result, she usually gets what she wants. Here are the ten characteristics that define her.

1. She maintains her independence.

It doesn’t matter if she is the CEO of a company or a waitress at Denny’s. She earns an honest living. She has honor, and she isn’t standing there with her hand out.

2. She doesn’t pursue him.

The moon and the sun and the stars don’t revolve around him. She doesn’t make her dates with him when her horoscope advises that his big Mercury is about to retrograde in her little Venus. She doesn’t chase him or keep tabs on him. He is not the center of the world.

3. She is mysterious.

There is a difference between honesty and disclosure. She is honest but does not reveal everything. She isn’t verbally putting her cards on the table. Familiarity breeds contempt and predictability breeds boredom.

4. She leaves him wanting.

She doesn’t see him every night or leave long messages on his machine. She isn’t on a first-name basis with his secretary in one week. Men equate longing with love. Longing is good.

5. She doesn’t let him see her sweat.

She keeps communication from getting messy and avoids communicating when upset. When she clears her head, she is succinct and speaks in a “bottom line” way.

6. She remains in control of her time.

She takes it slowly, especially when he wants to hurry. She moves to her rhythm, not his, preventing him from taking control of her.

7. She maintains a sense of humor.

A sense of humor lets him know she is detached. However, she doesn’t treat disrespect as a laughing matter.

8. She places a high value on herself.

When he gives her a compliment, she says thank you. She doesn’t talk him out of it. She doesn’t ask what the ex looked like and doesn’t compete with other women.

9. She is passionate about something other than him.

When he feels he isn’t the “be all and end all” of her existence, it makes her more desirable. Staying busy ensures she isn’t resentful if he is unavailable. He doesn’t have a monopoly on the rent space in her head. He doesn’t get Park Place, and he doesn’t get Boardwalk. He gets one of those little purple properties next to Go.

10. She treats her body like a finely tuned machine.

She maintains her appearance and health. A person’s self-respect is reflected in how he or she maintains physical appearance. If he tells her he doesn’t like red lipstick, she wears it anyway, if it makes her feel good.