Why Men Love Bitches

A New School: Who Is the Boss of You?

When a nice girl meets a man, it’s not uncommon for her to make concessions in her life that seem relatively insignificant. She stops doing the routine everyday things. She stops seeing friends. She stops going to a yoga class, and she stops playing tennis on weekends. She stops making time for the things she did when she was “solo.” Here’s what she does do:

• She cancels a hair appointment… for a date with him.

• She stops going to the gym after work… to accommodate seeing him.

• She stops spending time with friends… to give him the feeling “he is special.”

• She cancels plans… because there’s a chance that she’ll get a call from him.

• She isn’t focused at school… she keeps checking to see if a message came from him.

• She isn’t focused at work… she keeps checking her email to see if she received something in her inbox from him.

• She gives up her career… to further his career and support him.

• She stops having dreams outside of her relationship… because her only dream is him.

The bitch does not stop moving to her own rhythm. This, in and of itself, prevents her from becoming off-balance like a nice girl who abandons her routine.

A classic example is Theresa. She takes salsa dance classes two nights a week. When she met her last boyfriend, she stopped going to her dance classes because he didn’t like to dance. She also played tennis, but he didn’t play; so she stopped that hobby as well.

Seems harmless, right? Not really. She’s giving up what she likes. The reason the nice girl gives up these activities is also telling of her self-confidence. Often she gives up something because she fears he won’t like her the way she is.

In addition, this cumulative reduction of activities eventually adds up to a significant change in who she is. At some point the man notices, and it turns him off because he realizes—before she does—that she’s lost her independence.

What happens after she’s lost her independence? Let’s take a look at the “state of the union” with Theresa, the woman who gave up salsa classes and tennis. She said, “We spent almost every night of the week together and fell into that pattern almost immediately. He didn’t tell me it was ‘too much’ for him. He just didn’t smile much and it seemed like he wasn’t happy anymore. I was becoming more insecure and I kept trying harder to be affectionate. I just wanted him to be like he was in the beginning.”

The nice girl thinks she’s giving up something to get something better in return. She gives up control over her own life. When the time comes for her to get what she had expected, she winds up disappointed. In addition to being empty-handed, she’s depleted.

A man rarely realizes just how much the nice girl gives up. He doesn’t make the same sacrifices because she’s adjusting her life to be with him. After she gives up everything in her life, she begins to demand the same of him. She wants him to stop seeing family and friends. She wants him to spend all of his free time with her. If he goes to the gym, she wants to accompany him.

He doesn’t feel this pressure from a bitchier woman, so he wants to be around her more, not less, and he respects her because she appears to have “a life.” Suppose a woman says to a guy she can’t go on a date with him that night because of her weekly pottery class. He scratches his head and thinks, “She’d rather go to a pottery class than be with me?” It not only attracts him; it blows his mind.

When you love life with him or without him, that is when he will accept and value you for who you are.

When a relationship starts off at lightning speed, the man will at some point pull back to regain his need for space and then the woman will be left off-balance. It’s then that the nice girl appears needy, trying to “win back” his affections. This is when she jumps through hoops. A man loses respect for a woman who needs his approval, particularly when she will overcompensate to get it.

A man needs to “bring offerings.” He needs to be on his toes a little bit. He has to make sure his shoes are tied, his pants are pulled up, and his manners are existent. When he opens car doors, when he minds his p’s and q’s, and when he shows his best manners, it means she has his respect. In this way, she remains a bit of a bitch in his eyes because he has to keep himself in check; he doesn’t relax in terms of how he behaves around her.

As long as a woman stays in control of remaining who she is, he will need her. When a man thinks about a woman who has control over herself, he automatically thinks about her preferences and about ways to please her.

Women are much more likely to cancel plans. Men don’t give up “boys’ night out.” Men don’t give up their work, or their sleep, or their food. (Most don’t even give up their mothers.) Likewise, they respect a woman who will hold onto what is important to her.

When was the last time you heard a guy call his barber and say, “Yeah, Sam… I’ll need to cancel my 2:15 haircut. Sally and I need to spend more time bonding.” It just ain’t happening. It doesn’t matter if you swung from the chandelier the night before with show-stopping sex accompanied by screaming that scared off the alley cats. At 2:15, your man will belong to Sam. Men can shift gears from romantic to practical—and so can the bitch. She speaks to him in his own language.

The nice girl, however, is too needy to let go. “But he did all of the pursuing,” says the nice girl. This may be true, but you have the power to decide when you show up—and this is how you stay the boss of you.

Even in a racing event, the car has to pull into the pit to have the tires changed or it won’t be able to stay on the track, it won’t be able to control its direction, and it will lose traction. Men don’t always think long term, so if you let him control the speed, he’s likely to let the relationship crash at high speed into a wall. As the adage goes, “The candle that burns twice as bright burns half as long.” That’s why you absolutely must set the pace and keep your own rhythm. Otherwise, he’ll have you jumping through hoops. Again, it doesn’t matter if he wants to see you constantly. Even if he’s an incredible guy and you feel great temptation, don’t give him all of your time.

In the beginning, try to see him two-thirds of the time that he asks. For the remaining third, you have “something else going on.” Don’t sit at home twiddling your thumbs waiting for his next call. Keep in mind that this isn’t about “playing hard to get.” Keep it real. Force yourself to keep the routine you had before you met him. Once you lose your rhythm, you lose your psychological equilibrium and you become needy.

My former roommate Gale was always very good at this. She’d often turn off her ringer and wouldn’t take any calls. In the afternoon, if she felt tired and wanted to stay home for the evening, she’d cancel her date. She’d have a glass of wine and chill with a good book or her favorite TV program. Gale always had a quality man pursuing her.

Being a bitch isn’t about exuding a certain kind of arrogance. Contrary to what the media would have us believe, it doesn’t matter how “hip,” “cool,” or “cocky,” you appear to be. Power is the control you have over yourself. In fact, when a woman is trying too hard to be “cocky” she’s usually not moving to her own rhythm because she’s trying too hard to convince herself that she is stronger than she really is.

As Gregory Corso said, “Standing on a street corner waiting for no one is power.” When you don’t wait for anyone, it’s because you don’t need anyone. When you approach men this way, any man who steps up to the plate will have to meet you at your level. First, you have to stop needing his approval—only then will your needs be met.

For example, Lynn had just started dating a plastic surgeon named Kevin. They had separate residences, and one night she cooked dinner for him. He called at the last minute to cancel their preplanned dinner date because he had switched shifts with another surgeon. Lynn had already cooked an elaborate meal. His call came only a half-hour before he was supposed to show up. Had he called her early in the day right after he agreed to switch shifts, she wouldn’t have labored tirelessly.

Here’s where she made a mistake of jumping through hoops. She offered to cook the same dinner again the following night. And she agreed to drive to his place to do it. What she should have done is put “the skids” on the cooking plans altogether. She should have said, “Mmm. It’s really good, Kevin. Too bad you missed out.”

When a man treats a woman with disrespect and she takes it, he begins to lose respect for her. Predictably, Lynn was at Kevin’s place the following evening; he wasn’t appreciative, which hurt her feelings. They stopped dating a short while later.

A bitch prioritizes herself over “melting” into someone else. Because of this, her no means no, and her yes means yes. The objective isn’t to be obnoxious but to have the ability to be clear. You can be very nice and still be clear. A man will respect a woman who is clear and direct about what she needs, without waffling or secondguessing herself If a man is late for a date, for example, the bitch will become annoyed because she is inconvenienced. Annoyance is different than becoming emotional. She’ll say something more along the lines of, “Don’t waste my time. If you are going to be late, please let me know so I can make other arrangements. I have better things I can be doing with my time than waiting around.”

If he chooses not to respect her the next time around, she allows fifteen or twenty minutes and then leaves without him. Her time and priorities are important to her. At no time does she give herself up.

When you’re in this type of situation, ask yourself the following questions: What does this look like from his vantage point? What message am I sending by my reactions to his behavior?

Your true power, therefore, is marked by:

• Realizing what your rhythm is, and moving to it

• Knowing who you are, and what you will or will not accept

• Having the ability to make a decision without second-guessing yourself afterward, and without being talked out of how you feel

• Having self-control, because true power is the control you have over yourself

When you have control of yourself, you don’t need to be emotional all the time. When you have a sassy “edge,” you stay the boss… of you. Ironically, this is also when you become the boss… of him.

From Sappy to Sassy

Whenever a woman is too emotional or sappy, it can be too much for a man, especially with a woman he barely knows. The bitch is sassier, which is easier for a man to deal with. It’s similar to the rougher tone men use to speak to one another.

One man described a perfect example of how men get spooked by too much sappy emotional talk, particularly early on in the relationship. He was put off by receiving several tearjerking Hallmark cards from a woman he’d just met.

Another example of this is a man who was constantly read poems by a woman he’d just met. “They always seemed so long and drawn out. Some of them were short and boring. But the one thing in common is that they all sucked. ‘My love for thee.’ Or, ‘My heart is heavy with love and it’s pushing against my rib cage.’ And she’d cry when she read them. I started avoiding her calls.”

One man described dating a woman whom he’d known for three weeks. He said, “A man doesn’t need to hear a woman tell him that she loves him every thirty seconds. This woman said it over and over again. It was like dating a cockatoo… Love you… Love you… Love you… Love you… Love you!”

Men also notice if you are trying too hard to get into a relationship. Do you have twelve sappy relationship books about feelings on your coffee table? Do you have an ad running in the “personals” while you pursue online dating? Do you have that one pushy girlfriend who gives you away? You walk into your home with him after a date and you hit the play button on your answering machine. “Hey, girlfriend. There’s another singles event at the car wash this Sunday. Free coffee. And I hear there’s a new batch of divorcés coming through. The early bird catches the worm!”

Being sassy means you won’t knock yourself out. The minute a man feels you’re trying too hard, the challenge is over. Once you accidentally step into that arena, you have to win him back by showing him that you won’t wait. You have a life. You have other priorities, some of which come before him.

• Don’t talk for hours on the phone before your first date. Joke around. Be sassy. Make your plans or arrangements to meet and then politely end the conversation.

• Don’t discuss deep issues in the beginning. Don’t use catch phrases from therapy like cathartic, processing, triggered, owning it, or inner child. Don’t make chicken soup and tell him you “wanna midwife each other’s soul.”

• If you believe in astrology, don’t tell him that you can only get together when Mercury is “tiptoeing” around the moon, making a threeweek “retrograde” around Jupiter (with a quick stop for coffee on Pluto).

• Don’t tell him who you were in a “past life,” or what you plan to come back as in your next one. He’ll think your cheese is sliding off the cracker.

• In the beginning, avoid seeing him more than one night in a row. Start out seeing him one to two nights a week.

• Don’t pout or whimper when he doesn’t call. You have to make him wonder every now and then about what you’re doing when you’re not with him. When you regulate the timing, it keeps him wanting and it charges up his batteries.

• If he takes you to a nice restaurant, don’t order a celery stick “with oil and vinegar on the side,” and then continue to nibble off his plate like a humming-bird. Don’t be so nervous or concerned with impressing him with your table etiquette. Have an appetite for enjoying life.

• Don’t disclose over your first dinner what you’re “working through” from childhood.

• Don’t try to fix his flaws either. I know one woman who bought a man the book Tuesdays with Morrie. She thought the book would help him with his workaholism. Too much psychological analysis comes across as too sappy.

• Don’t accompany him when he goes out with his friends. You don’t want to be one of the “boys.”

• Don’t do any slow drivebys with your headlights turned off to see if he’s at home. And no highspeed flybys, either.

• If he calls you and asks you to come over late at night after he’s been out with his friends, don’t happily go skipping over, kicking your heels together like Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music.

• Don’t date someone who has addictions of any kind, hoping to “help” him by going to AA meetings with him. Let him work out his own stuff. If he can’t treat himself well, he’ll never treat you well.

• Never call more than once in a row, even if his machine cuts you short. Don’t leave long mushy messages. Keep the messages friendly, but short and sweet.

• Don’t email more than once in a row or send long emails about “feelings,” “issues,” and what you “need” that you aren’t getting. If he sends you an email, don’t respond within thirty seconds each and every time.

• Don’t stop eating, sleeping, or exercising. Keep your routine. If he wants to spend more time with you than you can comfortably give, invite him to join you in one of your activities—like a walk with your dog or going for a weekend bike ride.

• Avoid last-minute dates because you “miss him.”

• Don’t walk in the door, check your messages, and call him right back. Settle in, take a bath or shower, eat dinner, and relax. Move to your own rhythm, and then call back. He has to know you have a life… every day.

• If you’re on the phone and you get another call that beeps through, don’t say “Stay right there. Don’t hang up! Whoever it is, I’ll get rid of him!” When you do come back on the line, don’t always be so quick to report the identity of the other caller. “That was the vet. Tigger had an earache.”

• Don’t regularly travel forty minutes in traffic to see him because you have a roommate and he has his own place. Look at a map and take note: It’s just as far from his house to your house as it is from your house to his house. So don’t feel guilty about having him come your way.

• Don’t ask for affection. Don’t coax affection out of him. Don’t give affection when he isn’t being affectionate. If he’s ignoring you, don’t try harder. “Honey, can I give you a backrub?”

• Don’t be a slave to the phone. Don’t play his voice message back to your girlfriend to dissect every detail of your situation. Pay attention to the big picture. Does he add to your life as a whole, and do you feel good after he’s been around? (If not, “fast forward” the message and hit “delete.”)

• Don’t memorize his phone number in the first week of dating or call him all the time and hang up. He’ll know it’s you.

• If he’s in a bad mood, make an excuse and then go do your own thing.

• Above all, make every concerted effort to stay focused on your life. That’s how you stay sassy in his eyes.

Basic Bitch 101

A man notices something from the very first phone message that he leaves on a woman’s answering service: whether she is trying too hard. She may be trying too hard to impress him; she may be trying too hard to win him over; or she may be trying too hard to be sexy. Whether she is too needy or trying too hard, it has the same effect. The bitch never tries that hard to make an impression.

He dials her number and the machine picks up. Beep! Then comes the breathy voice, which sounds as if she’s half asleep. “Hello there. You’ve reached Susan’s answering service. I am out and about and just a little bit busy at the moment doing, well, [giggle]… If you would be sooooooo kind to leave a message after the tone, I will try my very best to get back to you as sooooooon as I am available. Although I just got in from Portugal, I haven’t quite unpacked yet. But if I have a free moment, I’ll call you. Wait for the beep… ciao… ta, ta… kisses… have a spiritual day… and bless you for calling me.” Beep! All she needs is a 900 number and a pimp, and girlfriend is in business.

As men often say, “Men like a woman who is natural.” This has nothing to do with makeup or dyed hair. Natural does not mean he wants a vegetarian who drinks wheatgrass juice or a woman who wears organic lipgloss. Natural implies that the minute something is excessive it becomes a turnoff, because it looks as if a woman is trying too hard to get the attention. Whenever a woman is trying too hard, she is jumping through hoops.

Let’s look at how one relationship unfolded when the woman was willing to jump through hoops. It’s a classic scenario. Sarah bought an airplane ticket to go see Mickey, a man she’d met only once before when he had been in town for a holiday weekend. They’d kept in touch for a month via e-mail and over the phone. Convinced he was “the one,” Sarah decided she’d like to see Mickey again.

The ticket cost $400. Mickey agreed to pay for the accommodations, which ended up being $40 for a motel. After Sarah arrived, they had sex in the motel. Then he took her to a coffee shop with coupons that were complimentary with the room. Afterward they had sex again— while he watched the World Series.

A Kodak moment, isn’t it? No foreplay. No candle. No soft music. No showering together. Instead, one eye is on the game, and he’s listening for the score. “The count is three to two… and the bases are loaded. Steeeeerike!” Any man—even one who was raised in a jail—has sense enough to know that watching a game while having sex is rude. Hardly a “romantic getaway” for two. After two days of being romantic, they couldn’t wait to “getaway” from each other.

Now let’s do a financial comparison. He got plenty of food, plenty of sex, and he got to watch the game (not bad for $40). Her bill exceeded $400. She did, however, get two extra packets of peanuts on the airplane, each containing 2.5 peanuts, for a total of five peanuts. Even if she divided them up into peanut halves, she still wouldn’t come out ahead.

A bitch would never have put herself in this position. She would have required that he come to see her, and she would have suggested a hotel that is conveniently located.

When the nice girl jumps through hoops or bends over backward and overcompensates, she does so because she has a fantasy that he will “complete her.” To keep the spark from fizzling, it’s sometimes best to stay ever-so-slightly just outside a man’s reach, because it charges up his batteries.

The nice girl fails to take a “breather” because of her fantasy that he is “the one” or her “soul mate.” But this fantasy is a liability because it feeds a myopic view that he is the center of her life.

Another reason women rush into a relationship is fear. A woman named Mary said, “I can’t say ‘no’ to my boyfriend. For example, I drive to his place and I wait outside in my car until he comes home from work. Then I eat dinner later and I stay up late even though I have to be up early. I feel totally depleted the next day.”

I asked Mary why she doesn’t just say, “Not tonight, honey. I really need some down time.” She answered, “Because then he pouts. I guess deep down I’m afraid he’ll get another girlfriend.”

The bitch is not governed by fear of losing a man, because she knows the real price to pay is when she loses herself. Almost immediately, women give themselves up in small ways. The cumulative effect of these subtle concessions, however, is what amounts to feeling depleted. Here’s the cycle:

• She develops a myopic view that what he gives is absolutely vital.

• Because of this fantasy, she gives up everyday needs.

• She feels more and more drained but continues to try harder, believing that he’ll be the one to make her feel fulfilled again.

• He senses her willingness to exert herself, and relaxes what he gives even more.

• She senses this and works even harder to jump through hoops.

• The cycle gets worse, as she becomes more and more depleted.

The solution? Lose the fantasy, And if you feel you are going to resent something after you give it, don’t give it. Give only what feels comfortable to give. This will enable you to stay firmly planted with both feet on the ground.

Remember when you learned the golden rule in kinder-garten? This was a nice theory, but in the real world we’ll need to modify it just a bit.

Many times, when you are going through your daily life, Attraction Principle #50 will be very subtle. For example, a woman may have spread herself very thin between her career and her time to herself, and she’s exhausted. He asks her out: “How about Wednesday?” She tells him Wednesday isn’t good because of work demands on Thursday morning. So he asks, “How about Tuesday or Thursday?” Then she accepts. Her needs are swept under the rug, and worse yet, she is doing the sweeping. Then she goes out and she is cranky and irritated because she is overworked and hasn’t rested.

The bitch doesn’t take the more difficult course; she takes the easier course. How hard is it to suggest, “The weekend would really be better.” It’s better for everyone involved. The bitch is her own guide.

Cathy was on a first date when she found that the guy wouldn’t let her order what she wanted off the menu. He kept saying, “You have to try this…” She was firm but polite, and finally, he ordered what she wanted. Then he ordered a bottle of wine after she had said she didn’t want to “drink and drive,” particularly because it was a weeknight. He poured her a glass and they made a toast, so she didn’t argue. They clinked glasses and she took one sip to be gracious, but not another sip there-after. Her glass of wine didn’t move.

What is important in this example is that she didn’t explain herself. She just did what she wanted to do. She didn’t need to ask his permission to honor her own wishes, she just honored them.

Another woman I know shared a story about a man she dated. After two dates, the man asked her to take him to the airport at 4 A.M. (yes, in the morning).

On their second date, he was coordinating while she listened. “You could get up at 4 A.M., pick me up at 5 A.M., get to the airport at 6 A.M., go home by 7 A.M., shower, and get to work by 8 A.M.” (The ringmaster had the poodle hoop-circuit all planned out.) Here’s a novel idea that never crossed his mind: He could pay seven bucks for a shuttle, rather than yank her out of bed at such a ridiculous hour. She politely said, “I’m sorry. I’m going to be busy.” And he said, “What do you mean busy? Busy what? Sleeping?” She smiled and politely said, “Yes.”

If he acts as though it’s perfectly normal for you to jump through hoops, don’t let that be your guide. Ignore what he says. When he says, “I’m spiritual,” don’t listen. Just look at how he acts. If he said he was spiritual, but he expects a lot of “unholy compromising,” let your observations be your guide.

Another way a woman may jump through hoops is to “tell time” by when a man calls. How many times have you called a girlfriend to say let’s “hook up” and she has to wait for a call from a guy she’s dating to give you an answer? These are always the women who get treated poorly. She becomes depleted because she is willing to wait “at bay,” never making plans until she rules out the possibility “beyond a reasonable doubt” that she is seeing a man. Then you get a call back, “Okay let’s get together,” but now it’s 10 P.M.

If you don’t hear from him in enough time to suggest he respects your time, there is a simple solution: Don’t give him any.

Here’s an example of a woman who jumps through hoops—and at the same time, it defies the stereotype that beauty and youth are what are most attractive to a man. Karla was nineteen and so pretty you could have placed her on the cover of any men’s magazine without airbrushing. She was the one who cried on my shoulder about the fact that her boyfriend, Bart, told her that when he goes out with his friends he looks at the sixteen-year-olds.

Now let’s hear Bart’s version: “I’m not in love with her the way she is with me.” He shared with me a story of when she was doing his laundry for him in his apartment. “I was being a total jerk. You know what she said to me? ‘After I finish your laundry, I’m going home.’ There were three more loads, and she did them. I really would have respected her if she had said, ‘Screw you’ and walked out.”

A tip: When you are at his place any day of the week, don’t do any housework. The only laundry you do is your own. The only tub you scrub is your own. The only person you clean up after is yourself. If his place is a mess, go to yours. If he asks you to help him clean, be subtle. Just tell him the maidservant has the day off on Sundays.

Just remember, it isn’t about a man. This is your life… and it’s too precious to waste. Do things when it is convenient, especially if it regards your relationships of choice and who you let in on the “inside.” It will yield a much better return on investment… especially in the dignity department.