Why Men Love Bitches

Financial Independence: Who Has the Title on You?

There’s one aspect of holding your own in a relationship that cannot be overlooked: money. Many women dream of having a knight in shining armor pay all the bills. The part they don’t show is what happens after Prince Charming sweeps you off your feet. If he’s paying all the bills in the castle, he’ll also be calling the shots. That is when the princess stops feeling like a princess and starts feeling like a servant.

This chapter explores what happens when you give up your “pink slip” and the ability to provide for yourself.

When you have the clear title on a vehicle, you are the legal owner and you have the “pink slip,” or certificate of ownership, to it. The “Pink Slip” in some states means you’ve been fired. However, the meaning here pertains to ownership of a vehicle. When you have the pink slip, there are no lien-holders. There are no monies owed. There are no debts unpaid. This means you own it free and clear, so what you do with that vehicle is entirely up to you. Likewise, when a woman keeps the pink slip over herself, she gains leverage in the relationship.

This is what many mothers tell their daughters: If a woman gives up her independence and becomes financially dependent on a man, she’ll have far fewer choices in life. She’ll end up at someone else’s beck and call. She’ll be at someone else’s mercy. This is why a woman should maintain her independence, her “pink slip,” and full ownership of herself.

What mothers may or may not elaborate on is how a man feels about a woman when he has to carry her financially. Before long he’ll feel as though she’s an added responsibility instead of an asset. At that point, he’ll stop viewing her as a privilege to be with.

This doesn’t apply to a woman taking care of children. When a family is involved, no doubt she will be doing her part… and then some. He won’t perceive her as dead weight, because he knows her job can sometimes be harder than his. In this case a father recognizes that he prefers his job over hers, so he can’t help but respect her for her work.

As long as you have the resources to choose your terms, you keep your pink slip and you keep your power. If you choose to leave, you can always grab a suitcase and go. This very independence makes him not want you to leave.

All the “feistiness,” or “sexiness,” or bitchy attitude in the world won’t change a man’s awareness that you cannot hold your own with respect to your livelihood.

Once you hand over that pink slip, he feels trapped because you’ve now become a responsibility, rather than a privilege. And that feels like something he is stuck with. He has to provide food for two, housing for two, and pay all the other bills for two. It doesn’t take long for him to feel the added pressure and the doubled responsibility of carrying not only himself but also another person.

A bitch will usually maintain her independence and contribute to the relationship in some way because her pride won’t allow her to be perceived as a burden on someone else. And she won’t put herself in a position where she can’t rock the boat, which she will do if and when she feels that she isn’t being regarded highly enough.

It’s important to let him know you place your dignity above all else, even if you’re dating a very successful man. He has to feel that, if he mistreats you, you’ll pack up and move out of his mansion into a one-bedroom without any hesitation. He has to feel you’ll drive a Pinto rather than a Mercedes Benz, if it means you’ll be tolerating disrespect. He has to know you’ll give up a comfortable lifestyle before you’ll accept being misused or mistreated.

Usually this can be conveyed with actions, but sometimes it can be expressed with words. For example, let’s say you’re watching the TV movie The Burning Bed in which Farrah Fawcett plays an abused woman who, in every other scene, is sporting a new black eye. You can use this as a tender “loveydovey moment” in which to express your Terms of Endearment for your man, while eating popcorn. Simply turn and look at him, gaze into his eyes and say, “I would sooner be flipping burgers at McDonalds.”

When faced with an independent woman, a guy is too busy trying to keep his “welcome” to get bored. But with a financially dependent woman, he thinks he can slack off and she’ll take it. Even if he isn’t the type to mistreat a woman, he’ll grow bored if he gets the sense that she’ll take whatever he dishes out.

You don’t have to be rich; you just have to maintain the ability to take care of yourself. This directly relates to whether he’s respectful at all times. He can’t buy you a dinner because you’re hungry. It has to be a gift that he chooses to give and that you choose to receive. Then the gifts keep coming.

Jeanette told me about how her ex-husband had made her feel when he was the only one working. She recalled:

If you can take care of yourself, everything he gives you becomes gravy. He isn’t providing the whole meatloaf. The whole four courses. He doesn’t provide you with your livelihood.

Susan B. Anthony said, “I never felt I could give up my life of freedom to become a man’s housekeeper.” It isn’t about whether a woman is a man’s housekeeper or whether she’s bringing in “dollar for dollar” that’s important. And it also isn’t about whether she stays at home to raise children, because this is even harder work. The variable is this: Whether a woman has the resources or ability to leave if and when she wants to go.

When a man financially supports a woman completely, one of two things will happen:

1. He’ll begin to feel “locked in,” or trapped in a deadend situation.

2. He’ll begin to view her as a little girl.

Again, a man wants a strong woman, not a helpless little kid. Sexually, this will impact the float in his boat.

I know one couple in which the husband, Michael, is the breadwinner. They have no children, and he pulls all of the financial weight. Every time his wife, Nancy, walks in the house with a new pair of shoes, she gets the “two feet” speech.

If she were working, would he give her this speech? Not likely. But if a man pays all the bills, the “money gets funny and the change gets strange.” Better for her to be a waitress at Denny’s one day a week, and he won’t say a word. She would put on her new shoes, strut her stuff, and not have to explain “nothin’ to nobody”.

When he views you as a little girl, he may do things that demonstrate his loss of respect. He may assign you an “allowance” or tell you how much money you can spend. Or he’ll tell you what you can or cannot buy. All of these restrictions reflect your loss of freedom and a loss of your ability to make your own choices. Here’s why this is relevant:

• The ability to remain an independent thinker is what keeps his interest and the mental challenge.

• The ability to make your own choices in life is your most important tool. It is the very thing that gives you power.

Not only will he tell you what you should have, the man who is paying all the bills will eventually begin to tell you what you like or don’t like as well. He won’t ask for your opinion, he’ll tell you what your opinion should be. It sets you up to be treated like a Barbie doll that he can control. Then the following will occur:

• He’ll begin to think that he’s entitled to the last word.

• He’ll behave as if what he says goes.

• He’ll have control over your happiness and sadness.

• You’ll be treated as though he’s the boss and you’re the subordinate.

• He may offer his help on his own terms, and you’ll wait at bay.

Again, it’s not a question of whether he pays most of the bills, it’s a question of whether you can still stand on your own two feet, if push comes to shove. Then he doesn’t have the title, he’s merely leasing with the option to buy. He can feel like the “head of household.” Remember, he should feel like the Grand Poo-Bah over his habitat and his domain. But he should never feel that he holds the key to your livelihood.

The ability to take care of yourself ensures that all of the following will remain intact:

1. The mental challenge

2. The respect

3. The longevity of the relationship

4. The sexual desire

A case in point. Roxanne, who could be described as a “gold digger,” lived with Kent at his Malibu estate. She drove a Mercedes Benz and made regular shopping sprees on Rodeo Drive. Her survival, her livelihood, and her whole existence were contingent on Kent, a man she didn’t particularly care for. Although on the surface she appeared to have it all, she had completely given up her pink slip.

One day, I drove to Roxanne’s place to pick her up for lunch. Before we left, she opened a drawer and took out some cash, and said she had to make a quick deposit into her account. She had bounced a check for $20. She then said, “Kent lets me keep my pride. He puts the money in a drawer, so I don’t have to ask for it.”

In this example, there was no pride to be “kept.” Pride is… having your own paycheck. There is only one thing better than “With Love” and that is the phrase, “Pay to the order of”.

In the above example with Roxanne, there is no question that the problem was financial. Kent even suggested that she get a parttime job. He said, “I’d respect you more if you had a job.” Still, she didn’t make an effort to look for work. And two weeks later, she was tearfully packing her Gucci bags.

Being a gold digger never pays, as evident by the headline stories on the news. As a matter of fact, gold diggers recently suffered an even bigger setback: Viagra. Now she’s working twice as hard for equal pay. And no dental benefits.

All a woman has to do to balance the relationship is pay an electric bill with her own money or bring home groceries from time to time. Any of these things express her gratitude; then the man is happy to pay for everything else. He doesn’t have to feel it’s always equal, just reciprocal.

Another woman I know, Michelle, was living with a man for four years. For most of that time, he paid every bill and never complained because Michelle didn’t have any money coming in. Then she inherited some money. She had $120,000 sitting idle in a savings account. At that point, he asked Michelle to help pay some bills; she declined.

He didn’t ask her to carry all the weight, or even half the weight. He merely asked her to pitch in. The interest from her capital would have been more than enough to show him that she was pitching in for a few bills. Still, Michelle insisted that the money was for “her retirement.”

Shortly thereafter, he “retired” from the relationship—at which point she moved out. She was then forced to pay several times the amount of money for her own living expenses. Contributing within her means would have been the right thing to do. It was also the financially advantageous thing to do. But the point is not purely financial. The relationship would have had a better chance of working if she had balanced things out by pitching in.

One selfmade millionaire named Benji described his perspective: “One thing a successful man learns very quickly is that women respond to his money. They realize that women will line up for a man with deep pockets. All he has to do is show them that he is wealthy or that he drives a nice car and that he owns a big house. And they line up like ducks.”

Granted, there are plenty of affluent men who like having an accoutrement or a Barbie doll on their arms who, they hope, will graduate into the esteemed ranks of a “Stepford Wife.” But this man is not a “quality catch,” and this woman will not have any “staying power.” He’ll be much more likely to trade in a helpless “dingy” type of woman for a newer model because he sees her as a toy to begin with. What a quality man wants “for keeps” is a strong woman. He wants a partner he respects and one who is worth catching: an equal. He may provide more monetarily, and she may be a stay-at-home mother. But she is contributing. In other words, she isn’t “on the take” and she can stand on her two feet. This means she is there by choice.

Dignity and pride aren’t about whether you pull money out of a drawer, a sack, or a wallet. It isn’t about being given a credit card or pulling cash out of a Versateller. If you have an income, however small, it enables you to:

1. Live by your own rules

2. Move to your rhythm, instead of dancing to the beat of someone else’s drum

3. Decide how you want to be treated

4. Choose what you will or will not tolerate

5. Leave if you don’t get what you want

Everything in this list is precisely what the bitch values most. She keeps her power in every way. And as Henry Kissinger said, “Power is the great aphrodisiac.”

Dollars and No Sense

While conducting research for this book, I was surprised to find that, generally speaking, men don’t mind picking up the tab on a date. What they do mind is the overriding sense that women act as if they are entitled to it—or as if they expect it.

When you act as if you expect something, you make a man feel unappreciated. If he pays, it’s always best to help him realize that you took time to notice that he went out of his way, and that you are grateful.

Over and over, men have expressed to me their frustration with women who lack gratitude and those who automatically expect a man to pay. There are some women who, even when it’s a man’s birthday, will take him out and expect him to pay. There were many men who, when interviewed for this book, shared stories about birthdays or holidays in which their partners still expected them to pick up the tab.

In one instance, a woman invited other people to a birthday party and expected the “birthday boy” to pay for everybody. The bill came and people reached for their wallets at the dinner table. “Oh, no, you guys. Marc will get that,” the woman said. (Needless to say, Marc was not too happy.) It was the automatic expectation that made him feel unappreciated.

The same goes for flowers or a gift. Do you act excited and appreciative, or do you barely mumble a thank-you and then put the flowers in water? If he brings you a wilted, week-old bunch of flowers from the supermarket that cost $2.99, hold back. Just muster up a thank you, smile, and put them in water.

If he gives you a gift, don’t fess up that you always go back and exchange it, or he’ll stop bringing you little tokens of his affection. If you can, exchange it for something similar, then tell him it’s the same one he bought you. Say, “It looks different on, huh?” (He’ll never know the difference.)

If you want him to give you jewelry, don’t ever utter the words “pawn shop.” If you pawned jewelry given to you by an ex-boyfriend or husband, never disclose that information to a man you’re seeing.

Acknowledgment is very important to men. A man I know, John, once ended a relationship with Kate, a woman he was dating, because he felt she was not grateful for a gift that he gave her. One day, when he was at her place, she asked him to move an old television from one room to the next. It had sentimental value to her because her father had given it to her. Without intending to, he dropped the TV and it broke. He described what happened: “I felt really bad, so I went out and bought her a twenty-six-hundred-dollar entertainment center with an amazing TV and stereo. A week later some friends came over and said, ‘Wow! What a nice TV. Then she said in a sarcastic tone, ‘John broke the other one.’ I just about fell off my chair.”

John left her apartment that evening and never saw her again.

Because men aren’t conditioned to express their emotions, women sometimes assume that when men spend their money, it doesn’t mean anything to them or they didn’t have to do anything to earn it. If a man gives you something, show him the respect he deserves by thanking him for the kindness. If you want to be treated well, you have to encourage it by making him feel important and special whenever he does something generous and gracious. Otherwise, he won’t have an incentive to do it again.

Vinnie, who is very generous by nature, talked about a woman named Shawna who ordered lobster when they went to an expensive restaurant. He said, “I don’t mind that she ordered the lobster, but after that she just picked at it. Then she said, ‘I wasn’t really hungry, anyway’. That bothered me.”

Again, the issue is whether you act as though you expect or are owed what he gives you, or whether you appreciate his generosity and kindness. Many men enjoy feeling like the provider, as long as they feel appreciated for what they give.

If he opens doors for you, let him know that you admire that, too. Whenever he feels that you admire his masculinity, and his brawn, it makes him feel rewarded. This is a way you can build him up.

Money can also be a telling barometer of where a man is coming from, or what a man’s intentions are. One woman I know named Carla dated a man named Guy, who made it very clear that he couldn’t afford to pay for dates. Guy always had an elaborate explanation as to why he couldn’t pay. Each time they went out, it was a Dutch treat. Nevertheless, he insisted on terms that would be “even Steven.” Fair and square. Without exception.

One time Carla accompanied Guy to a bar with several of his friends. To her surprise, he had no problem buying his buddies one drink after another. He paid for two rounds in twenty minutes, dropping $80 on drinks without thinking twice. “Waitress? My buddy Steve wants another Long Island iced tea.” It was only that morning he had asked his date to pay $7 for her scrambled eggs and bacon at breakfast.

Needless to say, this showed Carla that Guy didn’t have sufficient value for the relationship so she stopped seeing him. Usually when a man insists on splitting a check on the first few dates, he’s showing you right up front he doesn’t value you or the relationship.

Granted, some women refuse to have a man open doors or pick up a tab. They refuse to be “paid for.” A bitch has no problem and no “issues” surrounding being treated well, so she lets a man give—and she allows herself to receive. The nice girl who won’t allow herself to be treated to a dinner, deep down usually doesn’t want to feel obligated to a man and she knows she will be if he pays for dinner. The bitch has no such complex. She says thank-you politely and graciously. And at no time does she feel guilty or obligated. Nor does she feel compromised in any way.

If he’s a student or is truly struggling financially but he still wants to impress you, he’ll suggest doing something that costs less. Or he’ll suggest doing something that doesn’t cost anything at all. He can grab some inexpensive wine and a blanket and take you to a beautiful park. Or, he can get movie screening tickets. Or, he can invite you to a party. If he’s absolutely crazy about you, he won’t let you pay for the tab or go Dutch.

I know of a female doctor named Susie who was living with a man named George, who was also a doctor. She had just graduated and was doing her residency, so her income was less than that of a part-time nurse. George, on the other hand, was a well-established surgeon and was earning a substantial income.

They lived together in his Hollywood Hills home, which was almost paid off; still he insisted that Susie pay a sizable sum of money for so-called “rent.” They also split everything right down the middle: groceries, the electric bill, and so on, with the exception of cat litter and cat food, which Susie was required to buy (since it was her cat).

Whereas George earned half a million a year, almost all of Susie’s disposable income went toward her student loans. Compare the household expenses as they relate to the income of both people:

$ His income is $500,000.

$ Her income is $25,000.

$ They each pay $25,000.

$ The cat lives rent-free.

In this example, George earns twenty times Susie’s income, but she’s paying half the bills. Not only this, the rent deposits transferred from “Bank of Susie” were paying into the equity of his home. What does this prove? That even an educated, brilliant woman like Susie can be too nice.

The financial part of any relationship has to be give and take. No one person should be doing all of the giving. If he’s taking you to an expensive play or ballet and you don’t have time for dinner because he ran late at the office, order some Chinese food and have it ready when he arrives at your front door. If he takes you out to dinner, pick up some movie tickets on your way home from the gym and surprise him.

When he offers to take you out and wants you to plan the evening, take into account his preferences as well as your own. For example, Linda insisted that her boyfriend, Benny, take her to a play. Benny is a “man’s man” and hates the ballet or seeing live plays. Still, she insisted that she wanted to go. He described the evening: “I gave her my credit card and she got the tickets and rented me a tux. There I am, holding ‘wussy’ little binoculars with the long stick on one side. It was an affront to my manhood. I could not believe I had spent a fortune and then counted the minutes hoping it would end. That was the last time I let her plan anything with my credit card.”

When a man asks you to go on a trip with him, be considerate. If he offers to pay and asks you to make the reservations, consult with him about the price of various hotels and let him decide. Men love to feel that they are “in charge” and that their opinion really counts. (At the very least, pretend.) If he pays for the trip, surprise him and pay to have breakfast delivered to the room. Or take him out to dinner to thank him. Buy him a bright colored shirt if you go somewhere tropical or a warm sweater if you’re hitting the slopes. Again, it’s all in showing that you respect what he gives. Men, like women, don’t want to feel taken for granted.

The same goes for a gift that he gives you. If he gives you something, act excited—even if it’s ugly. “I love it!” One girl-friend of mine got a T-shirt from her husband. It looked like a cross between a tie-dye and a paisley print and was so hideous it could scare small children. Even though she hated the shirt, she wore it for him when they were at home, just to make him feel good.

More often than not, women who are too nice err on the side of giving too much. They give to a fault. The woman who is too nice senses that he “needs her” and she runs to his aid like a Red Cross rescue missionary. And she gives— blindly.

For example, Abby married an Italian man named Franco to help him get his green card. Somewhere along the line during the staged marriage, he convinced her that he was madly in love with her. He found out she was a vegetarian, so he gave up pasta and ate vegetables. She loved hiking, so he took up hiking. She was “spiritual” and he decided he was “spiritual” too. The couple’s interview with the INS was successful and Franco was approved to get his green card. A day later he packed his bags and said, “Ciao, bella!” Then he rode off into the sunset. She didn’t have an engagement ring, but she did end up with a huge legal bill for their divorce.

I’ve also seen women who are too nice loan money to men. Usually it’s the women who are struggling who don’t think twice about handing out their hard-earned money. She’ll loan him money to buy a stereo for his car when she needs regular maintenance done on her own. The rule on loaning money? Don’t.

For example, Cheryl, who fits the profile of a bitch, told me the following story. She had dated Rick a couple of times, but she didn’t see him consistently because he traveled a lot. After their third date, he hit her up for a loan. As she describes, “Rick called me from Tahoe and said he had ‘an emergency’. He asked me to wire him a thousand dollars to a Western Union office that was on the other side of the river. But then he kept changing his story about what the money was for. One story was it was a child-support payment to some woman named Babs, for a kid he never even told me he had. He said that he would need to board a river-boat to get to the Western Union station across the river. The fee was thirty-five dollars each way. So I said, ‘Absolutely! I will wire the money. Hurry up and catch that boat.’”

Rick didn’t quite catch on. He called later that evening after his roundtrip boat ride and told her that the money hadn’t arrived. Cheryl acted stunned and then insisted profusely that she had, in fact, wired the money. “You really have to watch those money wires. I am going to go right down to that office and see what went wrong tomorrow morning!”

The following day Rick went on a second boat ride to get his “loot” from Western Union. To his complete and utter surprise, no funds were forthcoming.

Obviously, Cheryl had no desire to see him again because it was in bad taste for him to call someone he barely knew and make this request. But she remembers the incident with a certain fondness. “Hey, I figured the fresh air might do Rick some good. And, if all else fails, he can get a job on the ferryboat.”

A bitch is not mean; she just doesn’t volunteer for any “joyrides.” If the man wants to go on a joyride and extends an open invitation, she can choose not to go. Yes, treat others the way you want to be treated. But, at the same time, expect that the man in your life treats you the same way.

The bitchier woman would never let a man think that she’s there because she has “nowhere else to go.” Her financial independence is a constant reminder to him, however subtle, that if he makes her “stay” unpleasant, she won’t be staying for very long. This ensures that the relationship remains respectful, reciprocal, and kind… to all.