Why Men Love Bitches

The Bitch Stands Her Ground

The “new and improved” bitch is not a bad thing. She is a refined version of the proverbial, “old” bitch. She’s not abrasive or mean, nor does she nag to get what she wants. She speaks with her actions, and she’s only a bitch when she has to be. One of the most telling signs that a woman “has arrived” is that she’s not obsessed with pleasing a man, or anyone other than herself. Who is this “new and improved bitch?” See the following definition:

The bitch also perceives herself differently. She’ll get into the “boxing ring,” so to speak, with the mindset that she’s an “equal opponent” to a man. With a nice girl, a man automatically thinks of himself as the “heavyweight” and of her as the “featherweight” (a.k.a., the underdog). A confident woman who enters the ring and doesn’t go down without a fight earns the respect of a man, even if she loses. Why? Because then he knows she’s a woman with heart. If she goes down, she goes down swinging. And when they step out of the ring, he can’t help but have more respect for her.

The bitch behaves in a way that a man understands. She speaks to him in the same language he uses when he talks to his male friends, which, again, lets him know she’s on a level playing field. She is able to communicate without a lot of “gray area,” and she’s forthright. Don’t think this matters? Take a peek at a side-by-side comparison:

Rarely, if ever, will two grown men have a drawn-out conversation that ends with: “You hurt my feelings!” The closest thing a man will say to another man about feelings is, “You really pissed me off”.

As an example, hypothetically, one guy may borrow money from his friend and not pay it back. A long mushy conversation will not take place. If any exchange happens at all, it’s short and sweet and ends with, “Screw you, asshole!” Then they stop hanging out together and that’s the end of it.

Because the bitch will “tell it like it is,” a man will respect the way she communicates. In a man’s eyes, anger isn’t weakness. He’ll think she has more self-control than a woman who is emotional. With the emotional woman, he’ll rationalize that she’s hormonally unbalanced because of her monthly cycle. Or he’ll think she’s weak. But, with a bitch, he’ll think she knows what she does and doesn’t want. She knows what she likes and what she dislikes. She has “spirit.” (And I don’t mean the cheerleading kind.)

When you say the word B-I-T-C-H out loud, don’t say it like it’s a bad thing. According to some, the word derives from the first letters in the following phrase: Babe In Total Control of Herself. The only higher crown, the only higher honor, is to be called a “High-Maintenance Bitch.” It’s a sign of success, indicating that this is the woman the guy ends up keeping. If nothing else, he keeps her for the very practical reason that he’s invested so much that he can’t let her go. And he’s still trying to win her over.

The Bitch Is Never Fully Conquered

So why do men love bitches? With a bitch, they never feel as though they've quite conquered her, so they keep trying. Some men try for a lifetime.

When a man is with a woman who is willing to bend over backward, it almost invites mistreatment. Charlotte catered to her boyfriend, Tom, constantly. His interest was starting to fade.

Charlotte thought she’d win Tom back by throwing a party for him on the beach. She planned an elaborate party and invited all his friends. She also decided to pay over $3,000 to hire a sky-writing service for the event. There were two planes and they made a big beautiful heart in the sky followed by the words, “I love you always.” Once the planes arrived overhead, it took almost a half-hour for them to do an exquisite job. When they were finished, everyone was in awe. It was breathtaking, and everyone thought so— except Tom (who had unfortunately called an hour previously to say he couldn’t make it). By then, it was too late for Charlotte to get a refund on the fortune she had spent. She tried to cancel, but it was too late. The planes had already taken off and were en route to the party.

The example with Charlotte is not uncommon. This is what happens when a woman is too nice and will jump through hoops: It invites bad behavior.

While the nice girl loses her mind, the bitch, on the other hand, makes the man lose his. When a woman keeps a level head, a man will often become much more intrigued with her. He’ll think about her constantly, he won’t be able to get enough of her, and he’ll eventually decide he can’t live without her.

It’s a basic difference between men and women: Women want safety and predictability and men long for excitement, danger, and unpredictability. As a child, the nice girl played with Barbie and her Ken doll; she grew up with the mental image that she, too, would live “happily ever after.” Little boys want nothing to do with the Ken doll—they identify with exciting figures who live dangerously, like Batman, Superman, and Spiderman.

Ask any mother which child she finds more trouble-some—a son or a daughter. Most mothers confess that boys are more difficult, especially if there are more than one. Why? For most men, safe = boring. So they look for ways to add excitement and danger, and go out of their way to pursue things that are difficult. It’s this very element of danger that draws him to a bitch.

Think about what things men collect, or the things that fascinate them. Guns, ammunition, sports cards, sci-fi magazines, pocket knives, little metal cars, power tools, and a “rechargeable” flashlight. (Your job is to act riveted. “Wow, rechargeable?”) Oh, and let’s not forget the “priceless” collection of little army men (just to die for) and the high-speed stuff: cars, Jet Skis, motorcycles, and airplanes.

The nice girl makes the mistake of nurturing a man and making him feel too “safe.” Men get bored very easily, which is why too much predictability and safety makes the relationship seem monotonous to him. With the bitch, it isn’t monotonous.

The nice girl buries her head in the sand when she ignores a man’s need for stimulation, danger, or “a challenge.” This is to her detriment. She’s like an ostrich. When an ostrich sees a hunting animal, instead of facing the tiger head-on, it’ll bury its head in the sand. Hence, it becomes “din din.”

The bitch takes the head-on approach, but the nice girl takes the “buried head” approach. The bitch sees what’s actually there. The nice girl sees what she wants to see.

In the first month alone, here’s what the “nice girl” will do… She’ll give him a foot massage. Then she’ll cook eggs with six ingredients and pancakes on the side. She’ll drive to do his laundry and iron his shirts. Then she’ll read him poems and want to cuddle all day. After he dumps her, she’ll say, “I can’t believe he did this to me!”

Many women believe that men want a woman who will do… whatever they tell her to do. In theory, men want this. But in practice, when they actually get it, they’ll tire of it almost instantaneously.

The minute a man thinks he can “do no wrong” in your eyes and you’ll accept anything he dishes out, you’ve already “waved a white flag” with regard to his having the hots for you. His desire will come to a screeching halt.

Don’t buy the one about him wanting a “damsel in distress,” either. As one man said, “When you rescue a damsel in distress, all you get stuck with is a distressed damsel.”

The notion that a woman has to “spill her guts out” in order to truly be in love isn’t a sign of love, it’s about becoming “din din.” He sees a docile woman and he says to himself, “Oh, no. A cling-on. Am I going to have to carry around this bag of Jell-O forever?” Once he realizes this, he calls less often or stops calling altogether— after he has sex with her.

When the nice girl needs a man too much and puts him on a pedestal, she treats him with a view of himself that even he doesn’t hold. And it makes him very uncomfortable because he knows (better than anyone) that he “ain’t no white knight.” But he knows it’s her fantasy, so he gives it the “good ol’ college try”. He makes a forced effort to try to be romantic, and it isn’t long before he begins to question whether she’s being disingenuous, too. He thinks to himself, “Hmm… I wonder what she’s really like. She can’t possibly be that nice.” Like a low-interest-rate credit card that’s only good for the first month, he’ll start to feel he’s getting the “promo package.” Not the real deal.

With the bitch, it’s straight-up and real. There’s no concern that either side will do a “bait and switch.” He tests her once or twice, and she puts him in his place each time. Then two things happen. First, he says to himself, “This one’s not dumb. She won’t buy my bullcrap.”

Second, he feels as though she’s seen him for who he really is. She’s seen “the worst,” and she likes him anyway. Likewise, he’s seen “the worst” in her, so he doesn’t feel as though there is a surprise “lurking” inside her. When he’s with a bitch, he may be annoyed from time to time, but he believes that what they share is real.

The Bitch Is Defined from Within

Eddie Murphy once said in an interview: “The best advice I ever heard is, don’t take anyone else’s advice.” There’s power in this because it puts you in the conductor’s seat, right at “the controls” in your life. It doesn’t mean you should stop seeking information or outside input, it just means that you’re the one driving. You choose your own destination.

This attitude directly impacts whether a man will view you as independent. The minute you stop being an independent thinker and he starts having to think for you, you catapult right out of the “driver’s” seat and land right in the “doormat” seat. The minute someone else can dictate what you think or how you feel about yourself, you are at their mercy.

This attitude also influences success in many other areas. As long as you let someone else make decisions regarding your career, dreams, or aspirations, you’ve limited yourself drastically. You’ll only be as good as that person allows you to become.

Whether it’s your taste in clothing, your needs in a relationship, or what you do for a living—don’t let anyone else be at the controls. Define yourself.

The minute you become an independent thinker, two things will happen. First, positive people and things will be drawn to you like a magnet. Second, it will serve as a deterrent for negative people who will try to distract you from achieving your goals. There will always be people who will be there to plant negative seeds in your garden, if you make yourself available for that.

Standing up for yourself doesn’t always involve verbal confrontation. Sometimes it’s about not wasting energy on people who are negative.

This may seem very simple and obvious to a person with self-esteem, but it’s usually the very thing that the nice girl does not do. She’ll cosign on the dotted line for a guy who has lousy credit. She’ll sleep with him before knowing his middle name. And above all, she’ll let him decide what her value is as a woman, instead of deciding this for herself.

Kindness is always the first choice. But there are times when you can’t be kind to someone who doesn’t have your best interests in mind. When you see this behavior, it’s appropriate to be kind to yourself by responding to it, either by correcting the situation or by not allowing the person to have access to you.

The bitch can be a soft—and very feminine—woman, but she still has a quiet dignity. This woman lets people know in a graceful way that she won’t be easily manipulated. She won’t jump through hoops. And she won’t define herself by what other people think.

A perfect example is my soft-spoken Japanese friend Masae. She’s been living in the United States for less than a year, and she speaks broken English with a Japanese accent. Nevertheless, she’s a wonderful example of the grace and quiet strength that I’m describing.

Masae was seeing an American man named Steven for some time. It was his birthday, so she decided to cook him a Japanese feast. She made miso soup, several types of sushi, and two authentic hot main courses. She was also an exemplary hostess. The only feedback Steven gave was that the soy sauce was too salty. “Next time get the one with the green lid, because it’s lower in sodium.”

Masae was astonished, but she kept her composure. She said to him, with her limited language skills, “I cook for you. But if you complain? I no do for you.” She’s had nothing but praise ever since.

As Eleanor Roosevelt said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” A positive person will say positive things, especially when you aren’t feeling up. When you leave his company, you’ll feel as though your batteries have been recharged. When you meet someone who is truly great, he makes you believe you can be great, too. This is the kind of relationship you want, and it’s the only kind of relationship worth having.

The longer you practice being an independent thinker, the more attractive you’ll be. You’ll put a “magic spell” on a man. A deadly “mojo.” You’ll wake up and feel happier than you’ve ever been. Your aura and your life force will slowly come back.

The media doesn’t perpetuate this; instead they fuel a “cookie cutter” mentality that women are supposed to fit into a box. “Wear this because this is hot.” (Change the channel.) “You have got to get this look”. (Change the channel.) “Say those affirmation jingles: Claim it; then shame it. Own it and condone it…” (Change the channel.) “This organic hair color will turn heads.”

When a woman is secure with herself, she isn’t afraid to define herself and defy public opinion. She has her own look. Her own style. Her own charisma. Her own brand of charm. A man wants something he doesn’t see every day. Not in terms of a redhead versus a blonde. He wants the rare woman who can think for herself.

When it comes to a commitment or a relationship with most women, many men feel like lion trainers. It’s as though they have to use a chair to get the lions to back away. “Back off… back off…” So when they meet a woman who has the confidence to hold her own—or make them come her way— it has a different effect. They’re not used to it, so they become intrigued.

The bitch isn’t afraid to be different, which is why she won’t be a “booty call” or a pearl on a long string of pearls. She won’t be a man’s latenight convenience. She won’t be doing lap dances. She won’t be afraid to turn thirty or forty years old. At any age, this woman will feel like a “prize.” She won’t be defined by the media’s perception of aging; she won’t be made to feel like defective livestock because she is no longer a teenager. Married, single, or divorced, this woman feels good about herself.

A woman with an exterior that is too tough is not the “new and improved” bitch I’m speaking of. Abrasiveness is not the objective. In Italy, there is a very common expression: È tutto fumo e niente arrosto. Literally, it means, “There is plenty of smoke, but nothing is getting roasted.” When a woman is too abrasive or too bitchy, or she pretends to be too much of anything, she rarely has anything to back it up. The “new and improved bitch” is truly strong, because she is nice. But she also demands the same kindness in return.

The Bitch Has a Strong Will and Faith in Herself

When I set out to talk to men about this book, I wasn’t sure what to expect. I thought that some might react to the title, Why Men Love Bitches, and say, “Men don’t love bitches!” What happened was the exact opposite. They absolutely confirmed—over and over—that a strong woman is very much a turn-on. Sometimes they described why they love bitches. Other times they asked, “ Yeah, why do we love bitches?” But over 90 percent of the time, they didn’t deny the fact that they’re turned on by strong women.

Putting yourself first is not something men resent. On the contrary, a man actually respects it. He feels as though there is far less weight on his shoulders when you are independent, and he doesn’t have to make you happy all the time. He’ll regard you as a secure woman, instead of as a ditsy or flighty woman who doesn’t know what she wants.

Putting yourself first means going back and relearning how to count. In math, the number one comes before the number two (1… 2… again… 1… 2…). You are number one and— are you sitting down?— he is number two! Until now, you’ve made the mistake of starting to count at “number two.” Number one wasn’t even counted. You skipped over numero uno because you didn’t seem to feel you mattered.

Life is an extension of grade school. A third grader approaches another kid and bullies him. He slaps the kid, steals his lunch money, and runs. The child who won’t be bullied is the child who slaps the bully and takes his lunch money back. (With an extra little slap, just for thinking he could have gotten away with it.)

The new and improved bitch understands this principle in adult day-to-day life. People will do the same thing on a daily basis. They’ll try to slap you and run, whether it’s a coworker, a family member, a friend, or yes… even a lover. The only difference is none of these people will try to steal your lunch money. Instead, consciously or not, they’ll steal your self-confidence.

When it comes to believing in yourself, put your eye on the mark and don’t blink. If you have a goal, a dream, or an aspiration… believe in yourself while you are on the way to your destination, and you will have already arrived.

Throughout life, people will try to shake your faith in yourself. When this happens, remind yourself that the only way they can succeed is if you allow it. When you walk down the street of life, always hold your head high and keep walking. Don’t ever let anyone shake your faith in yourself, because that’s really all that you have.

The most attractive quality of all is dignity.