Why Men Love Bitches

What Men Think about How Women Communicate

Women often assume that men aren’t “in touch” with their feelings and don’t have a clue about what is going on in romantic relationships. Because men aren’t as likely to express themselves, women presume men “just don’t get it.”

Men have an aversion to talking about feelings. They even avoid watching movies about “feelings.” Mike described to me how men view emotional movies that women like: “There is always a mother, a daughter, and the mother’s best friend. The whole movie they are at a beach, or they are squeezing tomatoes in a garden with a stupid straw hat on. And everyone is whimpering the whole time. ‘Mama? Boo, hoo, hoo.’ Then the mom starts crying. A bunch of women whimpering is not a plot. I can’t sit through two hours of that.”

Men are about as interested in talking about feelings or watching “chick flicks” as we are watching them get under a car and rebuild an engine. To them, watching a movie like Terms of Endearment or Steel Magnolias is cruel and unusual punishment. One guy named Chris recalled: “It was horrible! And I had to watch that shit for three hours just to prove that I wasn’t an asshole.” This statement even brought support from a guy standing nearby: “I feel for you, man. That sucks. That’s almost as bad as having to listen to Michael Bolton. All that wailing and weeping? I can’t listen to it.”

What is also interesting is how men discuss “feelings.” If you ask a man to say that word out loud, he’ll pronounce it with a tone of dread. “Fff-fffff—feeeee-lings.” As the conversation continues, you’ll notice a pained facial expression as if he’s “going in” for some kind of invasive surgical procedure. Side effects vary; usually digestive problems occur. (Therefore, before discussing “feelings,” make sure to steam some rice to quell his upset stomach.)

This lack of sentiment leads women to believe men are “out of touch.” But nothing could be further from the truth. I spoke with hundreds of men of all ages while researching this book. The youngest was eighteen and the oldest was seventy; some were married and some were single. To my surprise, they were more articulate about their perceptions than any girlfriends I’ve ever talked with were about theirs. I found the men to be surprisingly forthcoming and truthful.

In the balance of this chapter, I’ve taken the best, most revealing quotes and put them all together in list form to help women learn what men notice. I’ve highlighted the quotes that reveal what men think about a needy woman, a feisty woman, and what turns men on or off.

This information will “connect the dots,” confirming the advice given in the other chapters. You’ll understand not only what the advice is, but also, why the advice thoughout this book was given.

The Top Fifteen Signs That a Woman Is Needy

1. “If a woman doesn’t wear her heart on her sleeve, she comes off as less emotional and more appealing. It makes the relationship go smoothly. For example, a guy has to go to work. It isn’t that he doesn’t want to spend time with a woman; it’s that a lot of times he can’t. So when a woman gives you room to live your life without getting upset, you’ll feel she’s adding much more to your life.”

2. “I like a woman who’s quiet at times because then you’re not sure what she’s thinking. She’ll seem more secure with herself, like she has control over herself and her emotions. You want to be with a person who can think before she speaks.”

3. “Some women seem defensive or guarded, and that can be viewed as insecurity, also. There was one woman who turned me off before we even went out. She was so concerned about protecting herself that she told me what she wouldn’t tolerate in our first phone conversation. She gave me this warning based on what happened with the last guy. We hadn’t even had our first date, and already she was laying down the law. I hadn’t even made a traffic violation and she’d already sentenced me to death. All I did was ask her out on a date!”

4. “I went out with a woman who interrogated me. I got the impression that she had been burned. Actually, it was more like she’d been scorched. No guy wants to feel like he’s paying for some other guy’s mistakes.”

5. “I dated a woman who loved to talk and talk. We’d fall asleep talking, and I’d wake up and she’d still be talking. I realized that she wasn’t doing it because she wanted to tell me anything, she was doing it because she just couldn’t shut up.”

6. “One woman I dated was really needy. She needed constant reassurance about everything. Her family, her friends, and her job. During sex, she said to me, ‘Do you know what happened to me today at work?’ That one killed my ego!”

7. “The conversation is part of the companionship, but it isn’t everything. Women overdo talking about feelings. If it feels like you’ve run out of things to talk about, that’s not a good thing. There has to be a balance somewhere in between.”

8. “One woman tried to change me. She tried to get me to talk about my ‘feelings’ more. Hey, look. I can deal with my own problems.”

9. “When someone tries to get me to open up and I don’t want to, there is no way they are getting the information out of me. I’ll close up even more. I don’t need a woman to ‘help’ me.”

10. “It really makes us happy when a woman lets us go out with the guys and has no attitude about it. Like if I get tickets to a hockey game at the last minute. If she’s cool even when I cancel plans with her, it wins my respect. It feels like she is secure with herself, and she cares about what makes me happy, too.”

11. “I had one girlfriend who talked so much I could walk away into another room and she’d still be talking. One time I was in the bathroom trying to have some privacy and she was talking to me through the crack of the door. I really think there was something wrong with her.”

12. “When a guy talks about something, it’s over in thirty seconds. But for a woman, it goes on and on. What seems like a trivial thing to him seems like it’s life threatening to her. So then you try to help and you say, ‘Honey, it doesn’t matter.’ But that makes it worse because she thinks you don’t care.”

13. “I think a woman who talks less is more attractive because it makes her more mysterious. It is not a good thing to just ramble on. Communication should be about quality not quantity. If a woman is uncomfortable or bothered, he should be able to feel it without her saying a word.”

14. “One woman wanted the two of us to always be together. She tried to change how I spend all my time. And every guy has his own special time or recreation. She wanted me to do stuff I didn’t want to do. If she knows I am not the ‘artsy’ type, she should let me be who I am. She shouldn’t be dragging me to an art gallery or a museum. If a guy treats a woman well, but he doesn’t write poetry or buy stupid cards expressing his feelings, she should just leave well enough alone.”

15. “I don’t mind a woman who changes the decor in the house, but when she is obsessed with changing me, it gets old. I want a woman who has a sense of purpose in her own life, so she doesn’t waste all her energy trying to control mine.”

What you can glean from this feedback is that, no matter how much a woman wants intimacy, she can’t force it out of a man—much less change his stripes. Notice that in the last quote, the man even says the woman is wasting her time. Whenever a woman speaks in language that appears in any way emotional, most men will immediately discredit it and think of it as “girlie babble.” Keeping it short and to the point is essential, otherwise he won’t hear a single word.

Not only this, but constantly trying to force a man to talk about feelings or pay an inordinate amount of attention to your feelings is counterproductive. Here’s why:

Therefore, if you feel as if he’s ignoring you, be “dumb like a fox.” When he isn’t meeting your needs, just pull back slightly and don’t explain a thing. As explored in the last chapter, men don’t respond to words.

Women chase men by trying to force-feed conversations about feelings. And predictably, they run. In order for the child to run to Mommy, Mommy has to first stop chasing the child.

If, however, you’re not demanding it, or chasing it, or trying to inflict “cruel and unusual girlie babble,” you’ll have his respect. Whenever you keep your piece short and sweet and pull back in a slightly mysterious way, you’ll appear more dignified and he’ll pay much more attention to what you feel—without any words at all.

The Top Fifteen Reasons Men “Play It Cool”

I asked men why they hide their feelings, or “play it cool.” I asked why they often put up pretenses that they are cool, “macho,” and tougher than they feel. They do this because they feel they have to, especially when dealing with women.

Women often wonder why men take so long to make a phone call. For example, a man asks for her phone number and then waits six days before calling. Then he takes her out on a really fun date and waits another five days before calling again. Meanwhile, she’s scratching her head and asking, “What’s up with that?”

Men are used to being turned down by women so this delaying tactic is how they keep their guard up. In the beginning, he’ll be calculated. He’ll be rational as opposed to “emotional,” because to him appearing too obvious, or “emotional,” will be perceived as a sign of weakness. On Tuesday, he’ll say to himself, “I think I’ll call her on Thursday”. Most men don’t have a clue that the woman would have preferred a call on Tuesday.

So why do they do it? They do it to “save face” and to give the impression they’re “in control” of the situation. An attractive guy by the name of Steven surprised me with his candor. He said, “You have to approach women looking like you do it all the time, and it isn’t a big deal to you. The minute you act like it’s important to you, the woman smells it and she treats you differently”. This is the reason men will wait before calling and then act a little bit cavalier. They believe that women disrespect men who appear weak or vulnerable.

What you can take away from this is: Do not take it personally if he doesn’t call for a day or two. Often when it seems as though he’s slightly rejecting you, it can be a compliment in disguise; he wants you so much that he doesn’t want to appear too obvious about it. Other times men pull back deliberately to see what your reaction will be, because they are curious to see how much you care. If you don’t believe me, keep reading. Here’s what these sneaky devils copped to:

1. “Guys want women to think they have other options with women, even when they don’t. So they exaggerate. They do it to make themselves look more attractive to a woman.”

2. “Sure, men play cool. Because they think the woman is going to find them more attractive or appealing. I know some guys that check out a woman who isn’t even that beautiful, just to make his girlfriend a little insecure.”

3. “Guys don’t want to admit it to themselves that one woman can have that kind of control over them. It deflates our egos to think that women can affect us that much. We don’t want to feel like we have no control over ourselves.”

4. “I may not call a girl too much in the beginning because I don’t want to give the impression that I’m too eager.”

5. “Guys are just as emotional as women are. They just don’t show it because society says you aren’t supposed to. As a guy, you have to appear to be in control of yourself ”.

6. “When she acts like she doesn’t care, it can scare you. Women can crush men and they don’t even know it. If a woman puts her foot down and walks away? It can crush a guy…”

7. “If a man is really falling for a particular woman, a lot of times he’ll try to conceal it. Very few men will ever break down and cry over a woman in front of her.”

8. “Of course men play cool… to get women interested in us. We want women to like us and don’t want them to think we are too eager. If you show you’re too interested right off the bat, women will think you are desperate.”

9. “Sometimes I’ll pretend to ignore a woman in the beginning, or I won’t call as much to keep a woman’s interest. No guy wants to look too desperate.”

10. “Men are needier sexually. Women can control their sex drives, whereas men are controlled by theirs.”

11. “Guys do it to appeal to women. Most guys believe that nice guys finish last and that women on some level want a bad boy”.

12. “If you appear weak, people take advantage of you. Some men think if you open up too much, a woman will use it against you.”

13. “If you let a woman know that you haven’t been in the company of a woman recently, she could get the impression you’re desperate or just trying to be with any woman.”

14. “Women are in control, because they control the sex. In fact, women have a lot more control than they know. A lot of guys feel like this puts us at a disadvantage.”

15. “When a guy plays cool, he thinks he’s impressing the woman with his power or his strength. He’s just trying to be hip, like he knows what’s up. No guy wants to be perceived as a Mommy’s boy or a wimp.”

The Top Fifteen Male Views on Keeping the Romance Alive

A number of men also spoke to me about keeping the passion alive, particularly those who are married or have been married. During this part of the interview, I always felt like it was a word game. I said “romance,” and they thought sex. I said “passion,” and they thought sex. I said “new experiences,” and they thought about sex. I said, “variety”, and they responded with a question, “You mean sex, right?” Given this, the most obvious thing men would want a woman to take away from a conversation on the subject of how to keep the passion alive is with respect to… you guessed it… sex! While men are less likely to talk about feelings, they still need to feel connected with the person they are in love with and it’s equally important for them to keep the magic “spark.” When a man stops having sex, he starts to doubt his manhood, and his desirability gets called into question. It isn’t just about the physical act.

1. “A guy needs to always feel that he’s desirable to his wife or girlfriend. We need that feedback.”

2. “Do something different in bed. Anything. As long as it’s different than what he’s used to. The element of surprise is a turnon. If you always get on top, do it sideways.”

3. “Late in the evening you’re so exhausted. The daily grind can really take the passion out of a relationship. You have to make the time for each other. Go out for a dinner and get a babysitter if you have to.”

4. “People use the excuse of money, time, being away from the kids to stop being intimate or romantic. It’s really important to keep the passion.”

5. “Men like a woman to be creative so it doesn’t get stale. If she’s too predictable because you talk about the relationship all the time instead of going out and having one, he’ll get bored quickly”.

6. “Recently, my wife and I started leaving the kids with family once a month and we go away for a Friday night or a Saturday night. It keeps the romance alive. It’s the adult conversation one-on-one.”

7. “It’s easy to say, ‘We can’t afford to eat out.’ Or, ‘We can’t afford to go away for the weekend.’ The bills may be racking up or you feel like you should spend the money on the kids. But you really can’t afford to give up the romantic things or your sex life. It’s also very important.”

8. “Anything that surprises a guy will add excitement. It’s about having new experiences with someone.”

9. “If a guy keeps getting turned down sexually, eventually the passion will die. Guys want sex a minimum of a couple of times a week, and ideally, they want a woman who doesn’t have to be asked.”

10. “Just once I would like to have a woman take my hand and lead me to the bedroom. Guys always have to be the aggressors. We always have to do the work to get a woman ‘in the mood.’ Sometimes guys just don’t want to have to work that hard.”

11. “I like a woman who takes the initiative sexually from time to time. Maybe not the first time, but definitely when you are in a relationship. It makes him feel like you want him more.”

12. “I think it keeps the romance if you have time apart even when you’re living together. It is important to be able to do stuff alone and not have her give you a hard time about it. When I go fishing, I find that I really miss my wife. And that’s a good thing, isn’t it?”

13. “Sometimes a woman can make a guy feel important by asking questions or expressing an interest in what he likes. They can try something new together that they wouldn’t normally do. I’d suggest planning a weekend away with him that you can both look forward to.”

14. “The weekends can be filled with a lot of busywork. Shuttling the kids around or doing housework. I think it can help keep the romance to do some of the mundane things apart from one another. Sometimes in the morning I can take the kids while she does chores, and then she can take the kids out while I stay at home and do certain duties. In the evenings you have a better time being together. I don’t need to see my wife cleaning the floors with a bandana on.”

15. “It’s comforting if you’ve been with someone awhile to do the same three tricks in bed that you know they like. But it becomes routine after awhile. Throw in a changeup or a curve ball. It doesn’t have to be outrageous, just something you don’t normally do.”

The Top Fifteen Things That Turn Men Off

There were just a few miscellaneous comments men had about other things that put them off. This section may be self-explanatory to some, while others may find these things not so obvious. In any event, since your man is not likely to say these things directly, you might want to make a small mental note of the following:

1. “A woman should always keep the bathroom door closed when she’s on the toilet. I think it’s really disgusting to watch a woman on the toilet. And don’t leave feminine pads and stuff around for the guy to look at, either. We don’t even like it when we see douche commercials on TV”.

2. “I get a little turned off by a woman who is too materialistic. If she pays attention to what kind of shoes I’m wearing or what kind of watch I have on or what kind of car I drive, I’ll back off”.

3. “When a woman is jealous, it can be a turnoff. One time I was on a date and this person with long blonde hair was in the car next to us. My date accused me of checking her out. It turned out to be a guy!”

4. “Mystery is important. I was on the phone with a woman and the first time we spoke she said that she was going to lose weight so we could have sex. How much does a guy need to be talked into having sex?”

5. “I don’t like a woman who doesn’t have a life, or a job. Or messed-up credit. Or an old boyfriend who’s a nut case. I like a woman who is responsible.”

6. “I like a woman I can see without any pressure involved. If a guy is under a lot of pressure and she adds to it, he’ll immediately shut down.”

7. “I don’t like it when a woman makes me look bad in front of people. If I do something wrong, she should bring it up at home.”

8. “When he walks in the door after a long day, let him do his own thing for a half-hour. Acknowledge his presence and give him a kiss and don’t immediately drop what you need on him.”

9. “A woman shouldn’t let a guy know she is centering her world around him. One girl told me she spent three hours getting ready to meet me for the first time. That’s a little too much.”

10. “The fear every guy has is that after marriage the girl is going to cut her hair off, gain a bunch of weight, and stop putting out.”

11. “No woman who wants to be involved with a halfway decent guy should ever get drunk with him. If you’re home drinking and you get a buzz, that’s one thing. If you’re at a bar and you make an idiot of yourself, it’s a total turnoff. No one likes to be with a drunk”.

12. “Never let a guy know you’re sitting home waiting for his call, or that he’s your whole life. He also likes knowing other men want you, just as long as you aren’t sleeping with any of them.”

13. “When a woman chases you, it will turn you off. I remember when the sorority girls would come over to the fraternities. In a way, I felt like the cows were coming to graze on our turf. It was too easy”.

14. “It’s like punching a clock when you’re with a woman who makes you feel like you have to report back to her. That’s an instant turnoff”.

15. “A woman should never show up unannounced, both at a guy’s house or at his work. He’ll instantly think of her as a ‘fatal attraction’ type.”

The Top Fifteen Reasons Men Prefer a Feisty Woman

Women are almost brainwashed since kindergarten that they should be nice. Just think about the nursery rhyme that says girls are made of “sugar and spice and everything nice.” Pop culture does not encourage women to be feisty, so women get the idea that being nice, and agreeable is the winning ticket. It’s good to be nice. It’s when a woman feels she has to be nice independent of how she is treated that there’s a problem. It often means the woman is nice at the expense of being self-abnegating.

As you’ve read throughout these chapters, a man will often be turned off by a woman who doesn’t stand her ground. When you read the following quotes, this message should come full circle, since now you will be hearing it directly from men: They are secretly turned on by a bitch, or a woman who will stand up for herself. At this point we are getting to the meat and potatoes of the “Other Team’s Secret Playbook”. Here’s where men—in their own words—disclose why they are turned on by bitches. This is one of their best-kept secrets of all.

1. “When you banter with a woman and she can give it right back to you, it’s a turn-on.”

2. “I like a woman who can put me in my place. If I’m being a jerk and she brings it to my attention, it makes me respect her.”

3. “The childlike qualities in us [men] propel us to try to take advantage. It’s a good thing to know the woman you love won’t put up with it.”

4. “Yes, I admit it. Sometimes I start a fight with my wife. It isn’t that I deliberately want to give her a hard time; it’s just that sometimes I have a hard day and misery loves company. When she puts me in my place, it makes me respect her.”

5. “I like a woman who won’t play games. Her confidence says that she must know something I don’t. Then I say to myself, ‘Hey, she must be worth keeping.’”

6. “When a woman is always really sweet and nice, it can become monotonous.”

7. “If a guy thinks a woman is stupid, he won’t take her attention that seriously because he doesn’t respect her opinion. If she’s really smart and appears to have her act together, I am more flattered that she wants to be with me. I feel like I have something of value.”

8. “When you try to get away with doing something you know isn’t right and a woman says, ‘I don’t have time for that,’ it can be a turnon. It depends on the situation, but I like a woman who has the integrity to stand by what she believes.”

9. “She is so sexy to me when she has that spiciness about her. She isn’t afraid to disagree or tell me what she thinks. She doesn’t always kiss my ass and that keeps me on my toes.”

10. “She didn’t take anything lying down. I complained at the time, but I admit this turned me on.”

11. “I like a woman to put me in my place, if I know I deserve it. What is sexy is when a woman is comfortable enough with her own power. Or when she isn’t so timid or afraid to rock the boat.”

12. “A man respects a woman who won’t tolerate being treated badly”.

13. “I treat women as equals, so I like to compete in a fun way with my wit. I like a woman who mentally challenges me in a fun way by bantering with me, or with her sense of humor. It can be competitive in a playful kind of way”.

14. “I actually like a woman with a little bit of a temper. Because then I know she won’t let me take advantage of her. Pride is sexy”.

15. “A woman who is feisty is sexually stimulating. You assume she’ll be wilder. With a nice girl, you are afraid she’ll run home and tell her mommy what you did to her.”

The Top Ten Ways to Tell Whether a Man Is in Love

Since men are so good at hiding the way they feel, a woman often wonders how she can tell whether a man is in love with her or just “going through the motions.” Here is the most important thing to remember when asking yourself this question: If you have to second-guess whether he loves you, and you’ve been together for a very long time, you might be settling for less.

What the men shared with me is that it’s often the little things a man will do for a woman that are most telling.

1. “You know a guy’s in love when it’s a Monday night and she says, ‘Why don’t we do this?’ and he does. He’s in love when he starts to regularly pick her over his friends.”

2. “When he seems to be overjoyed. Suddenly he’s really happy and he seems different. When he suddenly appears more alive to his friends and family.”

3. “You know a guy is ‘in deep’ when he’ll let the girl keep feminine stuff in the house. Suddenly he’s proud to have feminine decor. He’ll buy the furniture that she likes. And he’ll let her keep tampons under his sink. He’ll want her in his life in every way.”

4. “He’ll start taking better care of himself, and he’ll start to think about long term. Financially, physically, and in every other way”.

5. “He’ll go out of his way [for her]. He’ll fly to see her. If she has a craving, he’ll get out of bed to get her a doughnut in the middle of the night.”

6. “Men are into variety until they fall madly in love. If he really wants one woman, it doesn’t matter who else he can have because he wants to be with her. Other women aren’t a threat when he’s attached. A lot of temptations go away when you really fall hard.”

7. “When he thinks about her all the time, when he does thoughtful things for her, or when he’s always thinking of ways to please her.”

8. “Suddenly, he feels like he can stop looking around the corner for someone else.”

9. “When he’s willing to do something out of character to please her. He never thought of having children or getting married, but with this woman he is willing to do all of the above.”

10. “She won’t have to ask. She’ll just know it in her gut.”

Much of the advice given in this book has been based on the admissions men have made to me. At one point, I asked a doctor named George why he won’t share this secret information with his partner. He answered, “Because with you there is no consequence. But with her there would be a consequence.” The consequence George is speaking of is a loss of power for men. In other words, the attraction a man has for a feisty or bitchy woman is rarely something he’ll want her to know about.

I knew the information the men were giving up was not only truthful but also very loaded, because there was such a “hush, hush” quality to it. Men would regularly ask me not to use their names because they said that other men would feel betrayed by what they had disclosed.

Obviously, it’s helpful to know how men think. But the information in this chapter isn’t intended to give you ways to work even harder to appease a man. The nice girl does that already, to a fault. If there are two eggs in a frying pan, she’ll take the broken yolk for herself. If she bakes two cookies and one breaks, she’ll keep the broken one and give him the good cookie. The nice girl has no idea why overcompensating backfires when it’s done day-in and day-out. She doesn’t realize that she becomes so involved in him that she loses herself, and in the process, she risks losing him as well.

Refer to the Top Fifteen Lists in this chapter again and again, but don’t take the information and work even harder to please your man. Instead of working so hard to please him, work harder to please yourself… because ultimately, this is what will truly please him.