Why Men Love Bitches

The Thrill of the Chase

Women need to understand that men love the “thrill of the chase” and are highly competitive. They like racing cars, engaging in athletics, and hunting. They like to fix things, to figure things out, to pursue.

The cat-and-mouse game that women find maddening is actually very exciting to men. This is a very basic difference between the sexes. For a woman, the objective is often a committed relationship, also known as the destination. For a man, the road trip on the way to the destination is often the most fun.

The bitch understands that when a man wants something he’ll go after it, and going after it makes him want it even more. If he doesn’t succeed right away, he starts to crave it. It captures his interest and excites his imagination. A woman who is too nice throws cold water on this process. A man is more likely to get bored when he hasn’t really invested much of himself.

No one respects a freebie or a handout in any facet of life. When a woman sleeps with a man right away, it doesn’t pull him in. The men I interviewed often admitted that if the sex was too easy to get, it was not that great.

It’s like blackjack. If he wins big right up front, he’s done for the night. But with the slow win, things develop differently He wins a few hands and then loses a couple. At this point, wild horses couldn’t pull him away, because he feels so close to winning again. He can almost taste it. His inborn, competitive male nature kicks in and makes him stay there and fight. And if he’s losing, he’ll fight even harder.

Another example is when he goes on a hunting trip with “the boys.” They go out for a whole week. He sleeps in a grungy sleeping bag and gets chewed up by mosquitoes. He eats food that prison inmates wouldn’t touch. For what? The hunt. Then if he actually kills a moose, he comes home prouder than a peacock and wants to hang the moose head on the wall in the den. (Look out—the hunter is now a decorator.)

Let’s notice something, because it is significant. If you were to drop a dead moose on his doorstep, he’d want nothing to do with it. It could be the very same moose he had hunted, and yet it could have a totally different effect on him. This is how the pursuit affects his interest in a woman. When a woman chases a man, it has the same effect as if she were to deliver a dead moose to his front door.

The objective while dating is not to be mean. It’s to give him the thrill of the chase by taking it slowly and letting him be a man. It’s easy to understand his nature because it is our human nature, too.

Men often admit, “You always want what you can’t have.” The bitch never lets him feel that he has her under his thumb. Since he never quite has her, he never stops pursuing her.

So when he thinks he’s making progress and he has you right where he wants you, sometimes it’s appropriate to gently remind him that you aren’t under his thumb. Here are just a few comparisons between the nice girl and the bitch.

SCENARIO #1: HE CALLS YOU AND EXPECTS YOU TO BE AT HOME.

SCENARIO #2: HE SAYS HE'LL CALL AT AROUND A CERTAIN TIME AFTER HE GETS IN. THE CALL IS FOUR HOURS LATE.

SCENARIO #3: HE SEEMS A LITTLE WITHDRAWN, PENSIVE, AND NOT PARTICULARLY TALKATIVE.

SCENARIO #4: HE IS VERY LATE FOR A DATE AND KEEPS HER WAITING.

The difference in these situations isn’t as much how you treat him as how you treat yourself. The bitch’s behavior lets him know without any words that she will not pull the plug on her life to accommodate him.

1. Do you feel guilty when you say no, or do you say no and then second-guess yourself?

Yes No

2. Do you often try to tell your partner that you want to be treated with respect?

Yes No

3. Do you find yourself bartering or negotiating for what you want or need?

Yes No

4. Do you often pass up sleep or the need for personal time to meet his needs?

Yes No

5. Do you regularly see him on short notice or when it is convenient for him?

Yes No

6. Do you find that you repeat what you’ve asked for as though he didn’t hear it the first time?

Yes No

7. After a fight, are you always the first one to contact him or apologize?

Yes No

8. Do you find you are much more doting and affectionate than he is?

Yes No

9. Do you often feel depleted after he has been with you?

Yes No

10. Do you constantly want more attention or reassurance?

Yes No

If you’ve answered yes to five or more of these ten questions, you are giving far more than you are receiving. Let’s explore why giving yourself up is never in your best interests.

Women understand the concept of balance between work and play. They balance time with family and time with friends. They balance a job with getting an education. But when it comes to a man, the nice girl abandons all sense of balance and immediately makes the man the whole pie. But with a bitch, he is just a piece of it. She keeps the other pieces intact.

It all starts out subtly. “What are you doing right now?” he asks when he calls her from his cell phone. “Well, I was going to catch a movie with a girlfriend,” she answers. The operative word is was (past tense). Then he asks, “Want to hook up?” She pauses for two seconds. “Okay.”

A man will try to get you to be very accessible because it’s natural that he’ll want to make things more convenient for himself. And he’ll do so by saying the following to pressure you to accommodate him:

“I don’t like to plan things.”

“I like to be spontaneous.”

“I like to fly by the seat of my pants.”

Another key factor that distinguishes the nice girl from the bitch is how much of herself she’ll give up. Once you’re in a relationship and he’s shown a pattern of being interested over time, then it’s okay to be a little more spontaneous. In the beginning, however, don’t make yourself so accessible. If you do, the relationship will always be on his terms.

The nice girl will often cancel plans with a girlfriend if she gets a last-minute date. The bitch will hold her own simply by keeping her previously set plans. I know one bitchy woman whose partner absolutely adores her. If she’s painting her toenails when he calls, she’ll still say, “Thank you so much, but I’m a little busy right now.”

Sometimes a man will get tickets to something at the last minute. Or he’ll plan a romantic surprise. He is spontaneous, but clearly you’re his first priority—so this is harmless. You’re in good shape if he’s calling you all the time and wants to see a lot of you.

What you want to guard against is going on last-minute dates or getting those last-minute calls to do something because he didn’t have anything better planned. Sometimes when a woman has feelings for a man, she can’t distinguish between the two.

A common example is the typical “booty call.” First, the guy waits to hear back from someone else before confirming whether he can see you. He’ll call at 5:00 and say he hasn’t showered yet and he’s on the way At 7:00 he calls again and pulls the plug: “My friend Troy stopped by” Then he says he’ll make it an early night with Troy and tells you he wants to get together afterward. He gets in late, and that’s when he offers to see you, providing you drive to his place.

No matter how much you want to see him, don’t go. At this point, you want to seriously consider not ever seeing him again. If you do go, you won’t be more appealing to him; you’ll be turning the dimmer switch down on his attraction for you.

A friend of mine named Crystal was in this exact situation and handled it perfectly. A man named Brett called her on a Saturday night; it was well after midnight and raining, and he asked her in a seductive tone of voice to drive to his place. A classic booty call. Crystal hadn’t heard from Brett in two weeks, since he’d indicated he wanted to “see other people.” He also lived 35 miles away from her at the time.

Crystal said, “Okay, sweetie. I’m on my way. Give me five minutes to put on a garter belt under my raincoat. I’ll be there in forty minutes.” She also asked Brett to wait downstairs for her in the rain with an umbrella, so she wouldn’t get drenched walking to the front of his apartment complex. He waited and waited and waited. Three hours later, it occurred to him like a stunning revelation: No booty cometh.

In the morning Crystal awoke to several messages from Brett. In one of them, he mentioned that he had come down with a severe case of the flu from standing in the rain. (Not her fault. He should have gotten his flu shot.)

Again, the bitch is very nice. She is as sweet as a Georgia peach. But inside every sweet peach is a strong pit. And this means she won’t explain the obvious when a man is disrespectful. There is no way to hold your own in a relationship and simultaneously accept rude behavior. A quality man doesn’t want a woman he can trot all over. There is nothing wrong with having a little self-respect— and a few conditions.

The message? Your time and attention are valuable.

If you treat yourself as a valuable commodity, he will naturally put more stock in you. For example, he calls and says, “When can I see you?” Don’t say, “I’m wide open around the clock. Pick a time. Anytime!” He suggests Friday. “Okay!” He suggests Tuesday. “Okay!” He suggests three weeks from next Sunday. “Okay!”

Instead, politely tell him you have two nights that are good for you. Then let him choose one. He’ll probably choose both.

Here’s a similar circumstance. A doctor I know started a private practice. He didn’t want his receptionist to say, “Sure, we have tons of openings. Drop in any time.” Instead, he instructed her to say, “We can get you in at 2:15 or at 4:15. Which would work for you?” Most people would tend to value an appointment more with a doctor who appears to be fairly busy but is willing to accommodate them than with one who is always open like an allnight convenience store.

The message? He does not come before basic necessities (i.e., rest).

He says he’d like to see you at 9:00 P.M., and you don’t want to be out too late? Tell him, “I’d prefer to get together earlier.” If he can’t because he is working late, make no issue of it. Simply suggest getting together another night.

The message? You have a standard of how you expect to be treated.

For example, you are on a first date. He gets drunk and behaves badly. For starters, never get into a car with someone who is drinking. Always keep a credit card in your back pocket or a $20 bill in your bra. Tell him you are going home early. Excuse yourself, go to the little girl’s room, and call a cab.

Another friend named Kelly snagged a guy whom a lot of women wanted by setting the tone from the very beginning. She did so simply by being reticent. The man was extremely successful, very attractive, and charismatic. He first saw Kelly when he was eating his lunch at a cafeteria where she often eats. He had that confident vibe and was used to women hitting on him.

Kelly was the exception to the rule. He was trying to get her attention while she remained absolutely riveted by her BLT sandwich. She knew that he was watching her, but she pretended not to notice. He came back Tuesday. And Wednesday. And Thursday. When he finally asked her out, she paused before she answered, “I don’t know you, so I can’t look at you in a romantic way. We could start as friends and see where it leads.”

Here’s a guy who was used to women clamoring to be with him, but with Kelly, he was presented with a challenge to pursue a woman who let him know she won’t be so easily won over. In this way, she held her own.

“Terms and conditions” are a novel idea for the woman who is too nice. (And you shouldn’t leave home without them.) Don’t get me wrong: Unconditional love is a beautiful thing. Just be sure to give it after your conditions have been met.

The Mama/Ho Complex

In the field of psychoanalysis, there’s a male hang-up called the Madonna/Whore Syndrome. Let’s forget all the fancy psychobabble and refer to the informal Mama/Ho version to better understand our male counterparts.

The Mama/Ho theory holds that a man will either see you as his “mama” or his “ho.” The word ho is a derivative of the word whore. It is not a garden tool. A ho is any woman he is having sex with, any woman he wants to have sex with, or any woman he has had sex with.

The antonym for ho is mama. A man will feel affectionate toward a woman who is really sweet and nice, much like the affection he has for his mother. Because she doesn’t present a challenge and she’s always there, he begins to take her for granted. This is when you hear men say, “She’s really nice, but there just wasn’t any chemistry.” Therefore:

Even though a man is turned on by the independent woman he can’t have, he’ll still try to get you to be like his mama. He’ll want you to cook, clean, and do his laundry.

One woman I know nipped the issue of laundry in the very beginning. Early in her marriage, she threw a red sweat-shirt in with all of her husband’s white cotton underwear. Then she turned the water on hot to seal the deal. The only underwear he had left was the pair he was wearing. No self-respecting, heterosexual male would ever be caught dead wearing pink underwear. On seeing the ruined garments, her husband threatened her with the very words she wanted to hear, “You will never, ever, ever do my laundry again!”

What a nice girl should know is that even if you make every effort to be an exemplary housekeeper, he’ll still want a ho behind closed doors. The two are related. Why? Constant mothering will eventually turn a man off. Yes, they say that every man is looking for his mother. This is a nice theory, but it doesn’t mean you should run out and do his laundry or treat him as though you are his keeper. There are four things that make a man feel suffocated or mothered, that often turn him off, and that make him distance himself from you like a rebellious teenager. These are the major Mommy no-no’s:

• Do not appear to check up on him or ask him to check in with you.

• Do not expect him (without asking first) to spend all his free time with you.

• Do not ask him to account for the time that he isn’t with you.

• Do not be overly doting, leaving him no room to come your way.

Never give the appearance that you are closing in on him. For example, suppose he gets off the phone with his long-lost Auntie Mae. If you immediately start questioning him or you jump down his throat and demand to know who was on the phone, it has the same effect as throwing on an apron and assuming the role of mama. Like a teenager, he’ll rebel.

There are many things women inadvertently say that sound very motherly: “Get some rest,” “Don’t stay out late,” “Call me when you get in,” or “Eat something before you go out.” You will make him feel emasculated. It’s no different than telling a two-year-old, “After naptime we’ll have a little cookie.”

Asking a man to explain himself or check in with you is mothering. Maybe he ran a half-hour late coming home. Perhaps he was having a friend help him fix his lawnmower, or maybe he was having a beer under the hood of his friend’s car. The very second he thinks he has to explain himself to you, he’ll feel as though he is losing his freedom. Then he’ll make up a story to conceal something that didn’t need to be concealed, just to protect his “territory” or his “turf.” And he’ll feel cornered.

Don’t make him feel as though he has to ask permission for the day-to-day things he wants to do. It’s smothering to him when you watch him too closely. Don’t give him the feeling he’s under a microscope. He’ll feel controlled and will instantly want to get away.

When he’s shaving and he’s late for work, don’t push your way into the bathroom to watch him. Don’t look in his car’s glove compartment as though there’s something suspicious in there. Don’t appear to eavesdrop on his phone conversations. Don’t try to take over his kitchen or leave girlie things in his bathroom as though you’re marking your turf. Don’t ask him to spend all his time with you, and don’t say. “I miss you” when he hasn’t seen you in two hours. If you do these things, you are subtly doing the chasing.

Don’t say things like, “Tuck in your shirt,” “Go wash your hands,” or “Go brush your hair.” Don’t ask him if he’s hungry three times in a row, and don’t wait on him hand and foot—unless he has a cold. (One little sniffle and you can treat it like a terminal illness.)

Don’t plan all of your weekends together so he has to ask permission to go fishing. Let him catch a couple of fish. Otherwise, he’ll start to break dates. Why? Because he’s acting like a rebellious teenager who’s been given a curfew by mama. He’ll do it deliberately so you don’t get used to dic-tating how his time is spent.

When you treat your time together as something he has to do, you’ve taken something that was a pleasure and made it a chore. If you are nice, but you give of yourself with strings attached, the demand for reciprocity will send him several steps backward. Whenever you make him feel as though he has to see you, it will feel like work. When it’s not an obligation to see you, the very same thing will feel like pleasure.

Men like things that are difficult. They like to drive stick-shift automobiles. They like to jump out of airplanes, and they like to climb mountains. They like to do the impossible. Therefore, when he has to go out of his way to see you, he is actually happier. It will not feel like work to him.

This theory applies to anything—a phone call, time together, sex, or whether he checks in at the end of the day. If you always make him feel he has plenty of space to do his own thing, he’ll always feel that lust. You’ll be like a lover not like his mother. He’ll perceive you as a privilege rather than an obligation, and he’ll come your way.

The No Cage Rule

The minute a man feels vulnerable, he fears being devastated emotionally. When he meets a nice girl, she could potentially represent “forever.” Heaven forbid she lets the word relationship trip off her tongue a couple of times? Call 911. He immediately thinks she wants to latch onto him and have babies. Heaven forbid you get excited to see a cute baby? Trauma. He has nightmares and sees it as a sign that he’s in dire need of a backup form of birth control.

Sometimes you hear men say, “I want to leave my options open” or “I don’t want to get tied down.” Or they use catch phrases like ball and chain or henpecked. My favorite is a hyphenated term that begins with a female body part and is followed by the word whipped.

Clearly, men are scared to death of losing control of their freedom. The thought of being stuck with one woman frightens them. If a woman immediately acts as if she expects a man to behave like a serious boyfriend without much effort on his part, he’ll get scared and run off. With the nice girl, it only takes a few dates for him to feel trapped. And then “lock-down mode” begins.

Suddenly, poof! The magic is gone. He panics about being an inmate crammed into a cell. By contrast, the bitchier woman is a little more aloof, so it appears as if she has far less interest in taking away his freedom or locking him down. This is one of the major qualities that attract a man to a bitch.

Ask yourself the following…

• Ever have a pillow fight and notice that you and your partner are more turned on?

• Ever notice that when you play-wrestle with a man, he gets all fired up?

• Ever notice when a man steps over the line and you put him in his place, he gets turned on?

• Ever wonder why the men you aren’t interested in won’t stop chasing you?

• When you’re dating someone and you don’t pay attention to him, does he seem more intrigued and chase you even more?

• Have you ever played with your pet and noticed that your man seems jealous?

To fully understand these occurrences, we must focus our attention on where the true answer lies: The Animal Channel.

Men are hunters, and like any hunting animal, they are more intrigued by conquering prey when it resists the predator. Most men are turned on by a bitch because it’s a thrill to take down a powerful woman.

Let’s look at how this has practical applications. A grad student named Nancy was taking an evening class, and she had an interest in a male classmate. He kept sitting closer and closer until finally he asked her out. She said, “Okay, I’d love to. But while we are in this class, I just want you to know that I’d like to keep it professional.” There was clearly an undeniable amount of chemistry between them, so her comment was hardly a deterrent. It became: Operation Get That Girl.

The way to quell his fears is to say you aren’t interested in anything “too serious.” As long as you appear interested in him, he’ll keep coming your way. In his mind, you’ll always be able to be convinced otherwise because men are so conditioned to meeting women who want commitment. By not appearing to want commitment, you throw a monkey wrench in the lockdown program. He no longer knows what to expect.

This is how you get in the conductor’s seat of the train, and this is when he wants to stay on board. When he’s driving, there is no “thrill” and no “chase.” But when you’re driving, suddenly it’s a fun ride because he can’t anticipate what will happen next. (I submit to you, my fellow sisters, it’s very selfish not to indulge him in so much fun.)

When you go on a first date, tell him you “don’t want to be in a serious relationship, for the time being.” (Of course, things may change.)

When you work together, say, “I don’t know if it’s a good idea for us to mix business with pleasure.” (You need a little convincing.)

When it’s a long-distance relationship, say, “I’m not sure long-distance relationships can work.” (Tentative is good.)

The opposite is also true. If, for example, you don’t like him and wish he’d stop calling, try, “Babies? I love babies! I want at least a half a dozen of them, maybe more. My clock is ticking so I’d like to have them soon. Real soon. Perhaps six of them in the next four years…” Keep talking about those babies.

This is the perfect approach for that friendly guy you aren’t interested in and you don’t want to hurt. It’s a perfect way to get rid of him. “Diapers? It’s easy to get the hang of it. And, don’t worry… you’ll get used to the smell of the poop! It won’t last too long, just until they get potty trained… .” Just make sure you’re on the ground floor when you tell him, so he doesn’t get hurt when he jumps off the balcony. (Open windows and high altitudes should also be avoided.)

If you don’t make him feel locked down, he’ll come your way. Think of him as a frightened stray dog. Eventually, he’ll drop his guard and come around. But if you charge at him or try to corner him, he’ll bolt.

This also relates to why men prefer bitches. When he meets a woman who is unavailable or a little bitchy, he has a built-in excuse for why he isn’t going to get too close. “She’s a bitch, so I won’t get too serious. I’ll just have a little fun,” he says to himself. Fun equals freedom. That is, until he gets attached and then it’s checkmate. Men don’t choose to be in love. It happens by accident. That’s why they coined the phrase to fall in love. As in “Oops!” He fell. He had a plan… but it went terribly awry.

The more relaxed he is, the less guarded he’ll be; and then it’s only a matter of time before he reaches the point of no return. When he’s in madly in love, you won’t need to say things like “Where are you going?” or “What are you doing?” He’ll tell you everything you ever wanted to know because he wants to, not because you had to ask. And, if and when he does go out with the boys, he won’t be able to wait to get home to you.

The Power of Choice

Who can forget the scene in Coming to America in which Eddie Murphy, as the prince, stands before the altar prepared to wed his beautiful bride in a prearranged marriage? Before the ceremony, he takes the bride into a back room and asks her, “What do you like?” She responds, “Whatever you like.” Then he asks her what she likes to eat. “Whatever you like.” Her answers become more and more subservient. Then he tells her to bark like a dog and hop on one leg. When she does, he realizes he can’t go through with the wedding.

A man wants a woman who has a mind of her own. An opinion. The way you assert yourself lets him know whether you have self-confidence. It lets him know you can hold up your end of the bargain. When he gives you a “little crap,” you can give him a “little crap” right back. He respects a woman who can “trade blows” with him and hold her own.

You don’t have to always agree with everything he believes. A man falls in love with a woman when he feels he has “met his match.”

If you feel strongly about something, don’t be afraid to say so. When he asks, “What movie do you want to see?” don’t always tell him to choose. How about saying, “Hey, I sat through two of your ‘shoot-’em-up-bang-bang’ movies, so we’re seeing a ‘chick-flick’ tonight.” Men are attracted to a woman who can speak her mind. As one married man described, “Sometimes, get dressed to go out and tell him to stay home with the kids. Don’t ask him. Tell him.”

Another said something even more poignant. “I don’t think most men would mind if a woman was the one in control at home. Just as long as no one else knew about it.”

So begin your dating relationship with a voice. Don’t give the impression you are spineless. Remember the scene in When Harry Met Sally when Meg Ryan’s character takes an hour to order her sandwich? Have an opinion. State a preference. Be polite, but don’t be afraid to express yourself.

For example, suppose you’re at the video store deciding between two movies to rent. Don’t get the one that you’ve already seen. “I’ll see it again if you haven’t seen it.” Slap yourself. “There are a lot of good movies. How about we get one neither one of us has seen?”

If he suggests Indian food and you absolutely hate it, say, “Hey, I heard there’s a really good new restaurant right next door.” Show him that you aren’t afraid to make a suggestion or take the initiative. Assume that a man wants to be a gentleman. And if he wants to be a gentleman, he wants to please you.

The bitch requires an equivocal situation, whereas the nice girl does not. If the guy insists on picking the movie or restaurant all the time and has no regard for what she likes, the bitch will not have any contact with him. It isn’t about Italian or Chinese. It isn’t about one movie over another. It’s about whether he shows her he is selfish. This is a character flaw the bitch won’t tolerate.

This is a silly example, but I’ll offer it because evidently it worked. A Swedish girlfriend of mine named Anna recently had dinner with a man, and he ordered two lobsters. The waiter brought the two live lobsters to the table and asked, “Will this be okay, sir?” My friend is not a vegetarian, but she grew up with a couple of pet frogs in Sweden and was alarmed to see the lobsters’ little legs kicking. She said, “I just couldn’t sit through the next five minutes knowing these two things would be boiled alive,” and she insisted that he change the order.

Anna would have bet her life savings that this guy would never call her again, but he did. He called almost every day that week. He wanted to please her more than he wanted lobster. That’s a gentleman. I’m not saying the lobster example is a trick you should try at home, but it’s far better than the Eddie Murphy bride who said, “Whatever you like.”

It isn’t that a man wants a woman who is “bitching” all the time or complaining about everything that’s wrong in her life. He wants a woman who isn’t afraid to disagree or express an opinion.

When he asks on the first date, “What do you like to do?” don’t shrug and say, “Um. You know. Stuff” You don’t need to say you’ll bungee jump, climb mountains, and then come home and have sex all night. But show him that you have an “appetite for life.” Your life.

It’s all in how you describe things. “Occasionally, (yawn) I pick up a book.” This not the same as “There is this amazing book I’m reading by Susan Faludi, and it’s so intriguing. She’s such an incredible writer.”

To better understand why men are put off by needy women, keep this example in mind. Ever had a girlfriend who always comes around when she is upset over some guy? In between relationships, she is nowhere to be found. After not hearing from her for two months, she cries on your shoulder when the guy blows her off. Then you don’t see her again until the next guy dumps her.

Eventually you won’t want to be around her because you won’t feel as though she is contributing to your friendship. That’s how a guy feels when you are too dependent on him. It becomes a burden if you lean on him too much. He is only human, and he has his own problems. Show him that you’ll be an equal partner, which means that you also have something to contribute.

The mere fact that the bitch can throw a little weight around or put him in his place once in a while gives him the impression she doesn’t need to be with him. She can stand on her own two feet. So, instead of feeling as if he’s lost his freedom, he feels as though he’s gained a strong woman. The relationship is a contributing force, rather than an obligation he’s stuck with.

This is also why giving him space is so important. It makes you look proud rather than desperate. It enables you to remain a challenge indefinitely. Why? You chose to be with him. You didn’t need to be. As a person, you feel you are complete with him or without him. This is the most important thing you can convey: independence rather than dependence. This is what gives him the perception you can hold your own.