Why Men Love Bitches

Step 1: Instead of Asking Him to Focus on You, Focus on Yourself

What turns a man on about an independent woman is that she is independent of him. When a man is with an independent woman, he feels as though he has an equal partner. When she gives up her everyday activities, he slowly begins to view her as less interesting. Instead of thinking that he’s scored a wonderful prize, he now begins to view her as extra weight.

The first thing a woman has to do to get that sexy “spark” back is to shift her focus and energy back onto herself. She has to develop interests outside her man, just as she did when he was new in her life. Men often find a woman who has passionate interests and activities of her own to be more exciting. They don’t have to be things he’s interested in necessarily just as long she has interests of her own.

The story that follows proves my point. Rob, an attractive, successful man who could have his pick of any woman he wanted, was mystified by a most unlikely woman. He describes Laura as a “conservative computer nerd” who wears long pleated skirts. After a few dates, he invited her to go on a cruise. Rob wasn’t lacking in the confidence department, and he thought he’d teach Laura how to have fun. He thought he’d “rock her world.” Laura said she couldn’t go. The reason? She had a preplanned Tupperware party.

Rob told what happened next: “I kept hoping she’d change her mind. I ended up going on the cruise by myself and ended up flying home after one day to see what she was up to. A Tupperware party? It couldn’t be. I simply could not believe that she’d pass on an exotic vacation with me for a Tupperware party. I figured she had to be seeing some other man. I had to see for myself”.

He flew home and dropped by that Saturday evening when Laura’s party was supposed to be going on. Sure enough, lo and behold, he was dumbfounded and astonished to find that she was actually having a Tupperware party.

When he showed up, Laura was happy to see him. She invited him in and offered him a finger sandwich. Rob could have just as easily been eating spiny lobster or exotic seafood en route to the Bahamas at that very moment with any woman he wanted. Instead, he was nibbling on a soggy little tuna sandwich with a toothpick in it. He could have been watching a world-class Vegas-style show, instead the highlighted entertainment on the agenda was Tupperware containers: Gingerbread-shaped ones, star-shaped ones, and even heart-shaped ones.

Rob still remembers it with disbelief. “There I am listening to a bunch of cackling women, watching them go AWOL over some plastic bowls. I drank coffee in a fancy teacup with a teeny tiny spoon. I could not believe it. I was thinking, ‘No. This cannot be so. I don’t hold a candle to a this?’”

Was Laura being mean? Not at all. She just didn’t go down the beaten path of giving up her own interests in exchange for something he thought would be better. What blew Rob’s mind was that her activity meant more to her than the cruise or being with him. He said, “From that point on, she had my full attention.” And the unlikely couple became a hot item.

Rob had put on his best “mack-daddy” show-stopping routine, and Laura wasn’t that impressed. Unlike the bitchier woman, the nice girl will often appear easily impressed. She’ll make her desire to have a relationship much too obvious, which often invites mistreatment.

“Getting a life” will make it seem like you are no longer impetuous, or impatient. When you are relaxed, you’ve taken the “need” out of the equation. You no longer appear needy, which immediately changes the dynamic of a stale relationship.

If you want to renew the challenge, it is imperative to continue the activities you did before he came on the scene. He’ll notice the very first time you tell him that you can’t see him because of something else you have planned. It will catch him off guard—and it will fester.

It really throws men off if the activity appears to be something mundane. In the previous example, it was a Tupperware party; but anything along the lines of knitting, gardening, or pottery will do the trick. Rest assured, his ego won’t let him lose out to a sweater, a potted plant, or a mound of clay

No matter what you choose, as long as you are passionate about something other than him, it will draw him back in. Guaranteed. He’ll be asking himself the same question he asked himself in the first weeks of dating you. “How could she want to do that, when she could be with me?”

When you will not drop everything to be with him, you’ll appear as though you have more going for you. This will remind him of your worth, and invariably, he will begin to come your way.

Step 2: Alter the Routine

It’s essential when renewing the mental challenge to alter the routine that he’s become accustomed to. When the mental challenge is gone, the routine becomes predictable and he is on “automatic pilot.” His mind can drift elsewhere because he isn’t sufficiently being stimulated by you. So, let’s let the stimulation commence, shall we?

As Harry Truman said, “If you can’t convince ’em, confuse ’em.” How? By altering the pattern completely. Give no attitude and no complaints. Instead of seeing him regularly, make the schedule random. Random means he shouldn’t be able to predict like clockwork when he’ll see you next or when he’ll hear from you next.

This applies to whether you are dating or married. If you need to renew the mental challenge, alter the pattern. Whenever he seems complacent, just alter the pattern. Single women often make plans based on when the man calls. Married women often wait for a man to come home from work. And single and married women alike regularly wait by the phone for a call.

Tracy is a woman who benefited from altering the pattern in her marriage. She used to feel as though her husband, Allen, took her for granted when he would travel out of town on business. Tracy used to wait for Allen’s long-distance call every night, even if it meant giving up her own plans to do so. Predictably, Allen started to behave as if calling her was a chore, as though he was “checking in.” Or punching a clock. He’d call around 7:30 P.M. and then rush her off the phone so he could go out for drinks with his colleagues.

Girlfriend decided to rock the boat. How? By staying just outside his reach. When he went on his next business trip, she drove him to the airport and didn’t say, “Call me when you get there.” For the entire trip, half the time she was there when he called; the other half she couldn’t be reached. She was out visiting some girlfriends she hadn’t seen in awhile, and didn’t rush home to wait for his call.

The first evening that Tracy didn’t wait for his call, Allen flipped. His whole orientation changed immediately. He called at 7:30 P.M. and virtually every half-hour after that until 10:30 P.M. He went out, had half a drink, and then went right back to his room to call his wife again. Tracy walked in at 10:59; the phone rang at 11:01.

Whereas before it was a chore, now Allen was happy to reach her. She was happy, too, especially when she looked down at the answering machine and saw that it was flashing a big red 9. (Six messages from him, and three mysterious hang-ups.) And everyone went to bed happy

Suddenly Allen missed Tracy. Why? Because she had a life of her own outside of their relationship.

Never stop living your life. Take a class. Develop a hobby. Meet people. You are only as interesting as the depths of your own interests.

The mere fact that you are content with your life keeps you interesting. You are happy with him or without him and this keeps you… just outside his reach.

A textbook example is Ellen, a married woman who felt taken for granted. She regularly cooks dinner for her husband, Sydney, and their two kids. Sydney was the only one working, and he frequently stayed late at the office. Usually he didn’t show up for dinner. What upset her most, however, was that Sydney would leave her guessing about his dinner plans, and didn’t call if he was running very late. Sometimes she’d reheat his plate three times before he got home.

She had formed a pattern of saying, “The kids need to see you at the dinner table, Sydney”. But night after night, she found herself reheating his dinner, long after their kids had gone to bed.

Ellen, like many nice girls, was too tolerant. The bitch, on the other hand, would rearrange the dinner agenda. She would alter the routine. In a nice quiet moment, she’d look at her husband and casually say, “Hey sweetie, I can see you aren’t going to be home during the week. So, I’m not going to bother to cook for you. If there are leftovers from the kids, I’ll put them in the fridge. But it may be better if you picked something up on the way home.”

For a few nights he’d pick up some food on the way home. The first night he’d grab some Kentucky Fried Chicken, perhaps. The second night he’d upgrade to a deli. And after the cold pastrami sandwich from the corner deli, he’d have a little Alka-Seltzer to help with the heartburn. It wouldn’t be long before he’d be coming home for a home-cooked meal, happily. And sliding into home… right on time.

Another woman named Sandy told me about how she felt taken for granted when she was on her hands and knees cleaning the kitchen floor, after she had cooked for her husband, Wade. He had just started eating and then he came over to her and said, “It is really inconsiderate of you to clean the floor right now. That stuff stinks. Could you please wait until I’m finished eating?” She resisted the urge to strangle him.

For the rest of the week, Sandy backed off. She spoke to him very superficially and became a loof. He had to ask her, “What’s wrong?” a dozen times before she addressed what was on her mind. She went from “worker bee” to “queen bee” in just a few short days.

First stop on Sandy’s agenda? A maid. She absolutely insisted on it. Then she addressed some table etiquette. Wade often started eating without her and got up before she ever sat down. She said she didn’t cook for two, so that she could eat alone. She also suggested going out to eat sometimes, even if it was to a less expensive place. Then she stuck to her guns. Not only do they now have a maid, they also have “date night” once a week.

In both of these instances, by altering the “dinner agenda,” the women let their husbands know without words that they, too, had something to lose. Their actions said: “Either we meet in the middle or we don’t meet.” (And you won’t eat.)

Women often make the mistake of going down the beaten path of catering to a man, even when feeling taken for granted. A perfect example is a woman named Laurie who recently called into my radio show. Laurie is a single mom who doesn’t have a lot of money. She ran around for two entire days looking for a special heart-shaped pan in order to bake her boyfriend a cake for Valentine’s Day.

Trivia question: Do you think a guy’s going to care if the cake is shaped like a heart?

He’d probably have preferred a cake in the shape of a wrench or a remote control. In fact, right around Valentine’s Day, and shortly after Super Bowl Sunday, you can get a foot-ball-shaped cake at the bakery. All you have to do is take the little football people off, throw an asymmetrical “Happy Valentine’s Day” on there. Time expenditure? Reduced from two whole days to twelve minutes.

Any woman who feels taken for granted should definitely ease up on the Betty Crocker efforts. It’s true that men say, “A man’s love comes from his stomach.” But there’s nothing in this statement that requires you to cook the food before it ends up in his stomach. The question must then be asked: Who should cook it? So many choices, so little time.

The fortune cookie says, it can be delivered. Or, you can pick it up. He can take you out. He can cook on the six-foot beast of a barbecue that he just “had to have.” Think of how much fun it is for him. He can spread out both burgers one on each side of the grill, two feet apart from each other. And the bigger the grill, the more virile he’ll feel when using it.

If he suggests using the grill, definitely encourage it. Then offer to do the dishes. When he starts cooking, set the table like the classy lady you are. Put out two paper plates and two Dixie cups, and plastic silverware. No table linens needed—just fold a couple of Bounty paper towels.

It’s never too early to invite him to participate in kitchen activities. In fact, I’d suggest engaging him on this issue the first time he comes over to your place. Usually by then you’ll have gone out a few times, and there is a comfortable rapport.

Walk him into the kitchen and take him on a nice little “Tour de France.” Say, “Here are the glasses… here are the cups… here are the plates. The drinks are right here. If there is anything else you need, please do not hesitate to help yourself. My home is your home.”

While you’re showing your guest where the drinks are, you’ll want to casually add, “I only have one little request. I have a little ant problem and, uh, all the dishes need to go directly into the dishwasher.” What he doesn’t realize is that you’ve just told him you won’t wait on him, and that there’s no busboy on the premises. If he wants a drink, you’ve let him know he’s welcome to help himself. If he wants a snack, he now knows where to find it.

Don’t try to be the “happy helper.” He won’t value your efforts when you automatically assume the role of a servant. If, however, you are reciprocating for kindness that he has been consistently extending to you, he’ll think of everything you give as a special treat.

Sometimes changing the routine is a matter of changing the dinner agenda; at other times, it’s a matter of changing the times or dates of your little rendezvous.

A college student named Anita provided a classic example of what happens when a woman doesn’t pay close attention to the way the pattern is set up in the first place. The first symptom will almost always be that you sense you are being put “on hold.”

Anita describes how the pattern was set up. “I saw Dave several times a week. He’d call me on my cell phone after class around 4 P.M. and we’d make plans. He started calling later and later. I’d be on pins and needles all afternoon not knowing if he and I had plans that night. I gave up a lot of activities because he was always keeping me ‘at bay’”.

Women like Anita end up “at bay” for the simple reason that they are willing to wait. Once he knows you’re waiting he’ll make you wait forever. This is when it’s time to alter the routine.

In Anita’s situation, the solution is straightforward. She should make herself less available, and schedule the time he is picking her up at least a day earlier. (Notice that she does not offer to travel to see him.) All she needs to do is ask, “What time were you thinking of getting together?” Dave could respond, “I’ll call you tomorrow when I get off work”. The trick is not to leave it at that. Simply say, “Gee, I may not be here and I’d sure hate to miss you. Just to be safe, let’s pick a time now”.

Whether it’s early or late, agree to a time the day before the scheduled date. If he insists on “letting you know later,” just tell him that your cell phone isn’t working, your pager won’t be on, or you can’t take personal calls at work.

Sometimes men blame a friend. If you hear anything along the lines of: “My buddy is stopping by tomorrow night. I haven’t seen him in a while. I’m not sure how long it’s going to take. I can’t be rude to him and throw him out.” Simply say, “No problem. Have a good time tomorrow night.” Then, without showing any “attitude,” tell him you’ll be available to see him a different night. Again, what men respond to is no contact.

The alternative is that you waste two hours waiting for a call. That’s two hours you can spend going to the gym or doing something else that’s important to you. Most professional women, or mothers, or students who juggle busy schedules don’t have two hours in the day to themselves. But they’ll spend that time, without flinching, waiting on a phone call.

Altering the routine means mixing things up. If you call twice a day and he doesn’t seem happy to hear from you, call more sporadically and less often. If you generally get together on weekends, tell him you can see him that week on a weekday. This week you can see him Tuesday and Friday. Next week? Thursday and Saturday.

One happily married woman I know named Margaret, shared one of her secrets. She said, “Whenever I feel like my husband is getting a little distant, I’ll just take off for the weekend to visit friends or family. I’ll let him know Thursday that I’m heading out Friday and that I’ll be back late on Sunday. I may call once while I’m gone to let him know where I am. And it never fails… he’s always his usual, loving self again when I come back home.”

Here are a few more suggestions on how to alter the routine:

• If you always call the office to find out when he’s coming home, from time to time, don’t be home when he gets in.

• Don’t tell him your whereabouts for every moment of the day

• If he calls you on your cell phone, don’t always rush to pick up.

• If he pages you, don’t call back within thirty seconds. Or, don’t call back. Let him get hold of you at home—not when you’re out and about.

• If he calls on the phone, don’t go out of your way to answer it. Let him leave a message. Or, you if want to be considerate, tell him you won’t be around beforehand.

• If you sit by the phone and check your “caller ID” or dial “*69” as if your next breath depended on it, turn the ringer off. Read a book. Rent a movie.

• If you live together, leave and go have some fun. And stay out a couple of hours longer than he expected. If he always expects you home at a certain time, come home a little later.

The second he doesn’t know where his woman is he’ll come looking for you. He’s a hunter. He’ll pursue you. He has an inborn drive that’s very territorial… over you. But if you try too hard, you won’t tap that hunger. He’ll be satiated—and that means, you won’t leave him wanting more.

Step 3: Regain Your Sense of Humor

When you lose your sense of humor in a relationship, it’s usually around the time that you become “sprung.” This means, you’ve become consumed with your partner’s “every move.” And chances are, you’re often easily upset by what you aren’t getting in the relationship.

A sense of humor is a sexy quality. Men may not come out and say it, but they notice when you lose that “edge.” In the beginning, you probably bantered with him more and had a quick wit. When the mental challenge goes, so does the sense of humor.

A very effective way to put a man in his place or to keep him in check is with humor. You can let him know in a fun, playful way that your security as a woman doesn’t depend on him.

A sense of humor is more than just finding something funny to say; it’s about a person’s composure. It lets people know you are comfortable in your skin. It lets him know you aren’t sprung. The goal is not to become a knee-slapping standup comic; that’s not effective because it makes it seem like you’re trying too hard.

It’s sexy to be able to banter because humor suggests you’re an independent thinker. Not only can you think for yourself, but you can laugh at what you see happening around you. If you verbally play-fight with him a little, it’s unlikely that he will perceive you as needy.

When he teases you, it’s as if he is asking you, “Still got that edge?” Your sense of humor answers him and lets him know that he isn’t always going to call the shots.

Here’s a case in point. A girlfriend of mine went on a couple of dates with a guy who criticized the color of her nail polish. She said, “The suggestion department is closed for the evening. But fax your idea tomorrow and we’ll file it right over there in the suggestion box.” (Then she pointed to the kitchen trash.) These two are still together and he is absolutely crazy about her. To this day, she wears the same nail polish color.

Humor not only defuses a situation, it also makes you come out smelling like a rose. Tom Hanks exemplified this in an interview with Barbara Walters. Paraphrasing what she said, “I don’t mean to hurt your feelings, Tom, but you aren’t considered a sex symbol.” He said, “Yeah, but I embrace that. And I think that makes me kinda sexy.” He could have chosen to become defensive. Instead he was disarming.

If you don’t become defensive and you laugh things off from time to time, he’ll respect you more. This is when you show whether you believe in yourself. For example, he may make fun of the way you parked your car. This kind of joking makes him feel manly. A relaxed aura from a woman who can laugh at herself turns him on because he thinks she’ll be entertaining and fun.

It doesn’t matter if you’re wearing a potato sack. A feisty quality will do it for him more than a black nightie on a woman who behaves as though she is desperate for approval. (Yes, even if you’re wearing the thigh highs that cut off your circulation and practically cause you to lose a limb.)

Successful politicians are coached on how to use humor to win people over and show confidence. When Ronald Reagan ran for president, he was asked in a debate about the detriment of being the oldest candidate to ever run for the highest office. His response was “I refuse to exploit for my political gain the youth and inexperience of my opponent.”

In a relationship with a man, whenever you want to keep him on his toes, banter with him. If he says something a little out of line, just say, “We’ll let that one slide.” Or, “Why do I put up with this?” Or ask him if he wants one broken leg or two…

One woman I know named Darla dated a man who made a complete mess every time he came over. They also had a good sex life. He made a pass at Darla and she play-fully snubbed him. Then she walked over to the sink and started doing all his dishes. She said jokingly, “The more time I spend doing dishes, the less time we spend doing ‘the deed’.” Suddenly, the happy helper started pitching in.

The man in your life watches you. He watches to see how you stand your ground. He watches to see how you respond when he teases you and when you receive criticism from him or someone else. He’ll test the waters, because he wants to see how you fight back. He wants to see if you can hold your own.

And while we’re on the subject of humor, let us now focus our attentions on the word bitch. If that fateful day ever does arrive when he tells you that you are a bitch? Stop, and take a deep breath. Then enjoy the moment. Smile internally as you say to yourself, “Okay. Now I know he truly does love me.”