Why Men Love Bitches

Introduction

Why Men Love Bitches is a relationship guide for women who are “too nice.” The word bitch in the title does not take itself too seriously—I’m using the word in a tongue-in-cheek way representative of the humorous tone of this book.

The title and the content address what many women think, but don’t say. Every woman has felt embarrassed by appearing too needy with a man. Every woman has had a man pursue her, only to lose interest the minute she gave in. Every woman knows what it feels like to be taken for granted. These problems are common to most women, married and single alike.

So why do men love bitches? An important distinction should be made between the pejorative way the word is usually used, and the way it is used here. Certainly, I’m not recommending that a woman have an abrasive disposition. The bitch I’m talking about is not the “bitch on wheels” or the mean-spirited character that Joan Collins played on Dynasty. Nor is it the classic “office bitch” who is hated by everyone at work.

The woman I’m describing is kind yet strong. She has a strength that is ever so subtle. She doesn’t give up her life, and she won’t chase a man. She won’t let a man think he has a 100 percent “hold” on her. And she’ll stand up for herself when he steps over the line.

She knows what she wants but won’t compromise herself to get it. But she’s feminine, like a “Steel Magnolia”—flowery on the outside and steel on the inside. She uses this very femininity to her own advantage. It isn’t that she takes undue advantage of men, because she plays fair. She has one thing the nice girl doesn’t: a presence of mind because she isn’t swept away by a romantic fantasy. This presence of mind enables her to wield her power when it is necessary.

In addition, she has the ability to remain cool under pressure. Whereas a woman who is “too nice” gives and gives until she is depleted, the woman with presence of mind knows when to pull back.

Among the hundreds of interviews I conducted with men for the book, over 90 percent laughed and agreed with the title within the first thirty seconds. Some men chuckled as though their best-kept secret had just been revealed. “Men need a mental challenge,” they said. Time and time again, this was the recurrent theme.

The men I interviewed all phrased it slightly differently, but the message didn’t change. “Men like it when a woman has a bit of an edge to her,” they said. Two things became clear across the board: First, they would regularly use the phrase mental challenge to describe a woman who didn’t appear needy. And second, the word bitch was synonymous with their concept of mental challenge. And this characteristic, above all, they found attractive.

When I used the phrase mental challenge with men, it was immediately clear to them the quality I meant. On the other hand, when I interviewed hundreds of women, rarely did they understand the same phrase. They often related the phrase to intelligence, rather than to neediness. It wasn’t just that my hunch was confirmed by these interviews; they also strengthened my sense of purpose. I thought that anything this obvious to men should not be kept a secret from women.

This book addresses the very issues that men won’t. He won’t say, “Look, don’t be a doormat,” “Don’t always say yes,” “Don’t revolve your whole world around me.” This book is necessary because these are things a man will not spell out for his partner.

In the chapters that follow, you’ll find one message coming through loud and clear: Success in love isn’t about looks; it’s about attitude. The media would have us believe differently. A teenage girl picks up a magazine and reads: “Get that boy’s attention” with an item of clothing, or a certain look. “This nail color or lipstick will wow him,” the magazine assures her. And what does the girl learn? How to obsess over someone else’s approval.

Then there is the issue of how the media treats aging. The teenage woman evolves into a twenty-something woman with confidence, and the media bombards her with negative images of aging. The message here is: Two wrinkles and a stretch mark, and she’s “marked down” like last season’s merchandise that’s sold at half price. And what does she learn? How to obsess over someone else’s disapproval.

So what’s the message of this book? It’s that a bit of irreverence is necessary to have any self-esteem at all. Not irreverence for people, but rather, for what other people think. The bitch is an empowered woman who derives tremendous strength from the ability to be an independent thinker, particularly in a world that still teaches women how to be self-abnegating. This woman doesn’t live someone else’s standards, only her own.

This is the woman who plays by her own rules, who has a feeling of confidence, freedom, and empowerment. And it’s this feeling that I hope women will glean from reading this book.

The woman who has a positive experience with men possesses the ever-so-subtle qualities I discuss in this book: a sense of humor and an aura that conveys, “I’m driving the train here. I’ll tell you where we get on and where we get off.” This woman has that presence of mind to do what is in her best interest and an attitude that says she doesn’t need to be there. She is there by choice.

The bitchy women who are so loved by men give off a devil-may-care quality and, yes, have that “edge.” This is that same edge, coincidentally, that men say they find so magnetic. The difference is this woman isn’t looking for it outside herself; it is a special quality she carries within.

Note: Throughout this book, some names have been changed at the request of those interviewed.