The Mare

Velvet

The music was so loud, it was like it was moving us, moving everybody. It was dark, but still I could see rooms like regular rooms in somebody’s house, people drinking, talking, dancing, except in one room I saw a girl with her back to a man, her hands on the wall, dress and leg up, him grabbing her butt and shoving at her. I looked away quick. I saw girls maybe my age in one corner, talking and smoking something. Alicia wasn’t here. No way she was here. This guy started talking to me, he said, ay, memba me? We were up against a wall, people pushing past. He said he knew Dominic. I knew his face but I didn’t know from where, so I said no to the smoke at first, but then I thought, At least I will be doing something and took it. The music got louder; I saw his mouth moving but couldn’t get what he said because the music was pulling me down a tunnel, and I was in the good feeling of Strawberry and the sea horse and that feeling did not belong here. I could see the boy was watching me very close, but I was thinking how once me and Pat were putting out these ponies, Nova and Sugar, and Nova got away from Pat and ran around the fence alongside Sugar, and Sugar ran with her inside the fence, her eyes bugged and her mouth foaming. The boy waved his hand in front of me. And then I knew him. He was the boy on the street who had told me I needed to play my position. I moved off the wall and said, “Where’s Dominic?” He said, “I don’t know where he is, Ma, but I’m here,” and put his dick against me. I said, “I’m not your ma,” and moved away, but he pushed against me, saying no bullshit he knows I’m feelin’ him. That’s when I saw Brianna and her girls mean muggin me right in the eye. He took my hand and put it on his dick. I yanked it back and said, “I’m feelin’ you, all right — you make me feel sick,” and he slapped me hard enough I hit the wall. Somebody shoved Brianna out the way. “Get off that girl,” said Dominic, and he was taking up the whole screen.

“Ay, I’m not hurtin’ lil’ chicken head.”

“Bitch, this girl is twelve and she ain’t no chicken nothin’. You touch her one more time Ima lay you out, that’s my word.”

“I ain’t gonna be no bitch,” he said like a bitch.

Dominic didn’t bother to answer the bitch, he just took my arm and pulled me out the door. “What in hell are you doing here?” he said.

“Alicia invited me.”

“Alicia? Who — oh, that lil’ skank? Since when you hangin’ with that?”

“Since when you know me so well? I know Alicia since third grade, and FYI, I am not twelve. I turned thirteen last week.”

He tried not to smile. “Oh, so you a big girl now.”

“Bigger.”

He looked around; there was people there, but they weren’t looking. He crouched down with his hands on my shoulders and his legs open. His legs were long, and warmth came from them. He said, “Okay, big girl,” and I felt myself open to let the warmth come in me. “You know your girl played you by asking you here, right? So now don’t play yourself. Go home, a’ight?” We weren’t moving, but I felt something come from him to me, heavy and delicious. I looked at him from the bottom of me; something came up in me and met him strong. Inside his eyes, he fell back. “Ay,” he said. “You are a big girl ain’t you?” He touched my lips with the back of his thumb; my lips kissed it before my mind thought. He stood, moving his hands over me, over my breasts. I stretched up to him, my lips open. He bent to me, his mouth open too, his hands feeling my butt.

“Girl, you need to stop that now.” It was a man’s voice; Dominic stepped away quick and turned his mean face out ready to fight. But it was a old man — even in the dark, I could see he was old. He said, “Young man, my granddaughter is out too late and she’s too young for that anyway.”

And I will never understand this: I said, “I’m sorry, Grandfather.”

Dominic looked at me, confused. The old man came closer. He was wearing a cap with a brim low on his head and I couldn’t see his face. I checked Dominic; I was surprised to see him looking almost scared. “I’m sorry, mister,” he said. “I was only trying to take care of her.”

“Sure, that’s all right. But her mother is angry. She needs to come home. Come along with me, chica. I’ll take you to the bus.”

And he did. He walked me to the bus. We talked and I don’t know if it was the smoke, but I forgot what we said right away. Except for this: He said, “I want you to tell your mother you love her.” And I said I would. I took his hand and said, “Bendición, Abuelo,” and he blessed me.

When we got to the stop, the 47 was there, so he said “Go,” and I didn’t have time to ask him who he was or anything. I got a seat up near the driver and then I thought, How did he know what bus I took? I whipped my head around to look at him, like he could answer through the window. But he wasn’t there.

He wasn’t there, but his voice was in me. Not just in my head, in my body, like part of me. It was still saying “Tell your mother you love her.”

I came home and saw lights on. My mom must’ve seen me out the window because when I walked in she grabbed me around the throat and shoved me against the wall. I flashed on the boy and his dick; I tried to push back. She crushed her whole body against me, even her head bone crushed on mine. She didn’t yell. She didn’t hit. She said very soft that I wasn’t worth hitting because if she hit me now she wouldn’t be able to stop and then the police would come back and see and they’d take Dante away and she wasn’t going to let me do that to her. She whispered, “I could kill you right now. But you aren’t worth it.”

I said, “Mami, I’m sorry. I love you.” I looked in her eyes. “I love you.”

She jerked back her head like I was a snake that bit her. She laughed hard and nasty and then jerked me off the wall and dragged me into her bedroom, where Dante lay curled up and scared. “Mami!” I cried out, and she put one foot behind my leg and then pushed me so I fell on the floor. I started to get up, but she put her foot on me and pushed me down, held me down. Dante closed his eyes. “Don’t you try to manipulate me, you little puta,” she said. “If you love me, act like it. Don’t play bullshit stunts like you just played and then come at me, Oh, I love you. That drama might work with your social worker. I’m sure it works with Ginger. But it don’t work with me.” And she pushed her whole body weight on her foot, pressing into my chest like she was gonna stand on me. “You’ll sleep here tonight. On the floor like a dog. If I get up and you’re not here on the floor, I’ll come get you, and I’ll put you back down until you stay there.” And she got back into the bed with Dante. I heard him whisper something to her; she whispered back like he was the sweetest thing in the world. And then they were sleep-breathing like nothing had even happened.

I lay on the floor like I was paralyzed. Why did that old man tell me to say that? Was I crazy? Was the smoke so strong I saw somebody who wasn’t even really there? But he had to have been there — Dominic talked to him! I lay there for at least an hour with the floor hurting my head, too afraid even to move. It was like I could still feel her standing on me, on my chest. But I kept thinking that I had to find out, I had to ask Dominic — I had to see him, feel him. I wanted him to hold me. That’s what finally made me strong enough to stand up and quietly, quietly go outside.

I thought I would take the bus back and look for Dominic, but I realized it was too late now; the bus might not even run. Instead I sat on the steps and watched the street: boys on corners, sometimes other boys coming to them. Men coming by in cars, this one car stopping and the boys coming up to it. A woman was there in the car, and she looked at me; big earrings, flashing eyes. The boys went back to their corners, but the car sat there, the man and woman talking at each other. I thought of Dominic touching me, felt my body as different now. The man yelled at the woman so loud I could hear, “You wanna smell my dick? You out you fuckin’ mind?” Boys looking away, trying not to laugh; one of them looked at me, trying to catch my eye. The woman yelled, “If I could trust you, I wouldn’t—” These little kids came running down the street laughing and I felt sick-sad ’cause no way should they be out this late. But they just laughed and ran around the corner, like Nova getting away and Sugar inside the fence rearing up like, Fuck this shit. I smiled at nothing. The car sped away so fast the woman’s head snapped back. I remembered the Republican restaurant again; I thought of walking at night. I thought, upstate is nice. But compared to here, upstate is like somebody dreaming to themselves.

I took the Ginger-doll out of my pocket, rubbed it with my thumb. I thought, My mom is right: She’s nice but she’s…I couldn’t think what she was, except that she wasn’t here. My grandfather too. He was nice, but he wasn’t here either. I went out to the street. Somebody banged into me and said, “Watch where you going, stupit lil’ bitch!” I stepped out of his way, and he kept walking. I went to the curb and I threw Ginger down the sewer. I took the little flower ring off first, though, and put it on my pinkie finger; it was too cute to throw away. I kept my grandfather’s picture too. I did take it out of my pocket, but I put it in again and went back into my house and lay down on the floor.

Sugar said, Fuck this shit and slammed through the electric fence, her body tight like a cat going through a little hole. It must’ve hurt like hell, but she got through and ran, ran with Nova and nobody could stop them. My eyes shot open; I thought, The horses have what the people here have. They get beat down and locked up but still, when they run, nobody can stop them. I lay on the floor thinking about it over and over. And when I went to sleep I heard my grandfather’s voice, very weak but clear. You did well. I won’t be talking to you like this again for a long time. But you did well.