The Mare

Velvet

I expected dinner to be tense, but it wasn’t. Ginger kept drama out of her eyes and Paul seemed happy I was there; he asked me questions about the competition. But when I went back to see my mare again I started to wonder, Why am I doing this? I am alone here. I still like Ginger, but I can’t talk to her. I love Fiery Girl, but she’s not mine. If I win I can’t tell my mom, and nobody else where I live cares. I stopped walking and put my face in my hands; I was thinking about my mom hitting herself in the face because of me. She never did that before, never. Feelings by themself ain’t what matters. Dominic was right and it made me wish I wasn’t here on this earth. Not exactly dead, just not here.

Still, I went to the barn. And that’s when it happened: I heard the horses talking to me like the first time I came. I don’t know if I made it up because of being so sad, but it didn’t matter — it made me feel better. Hello, girl! We know you! Come see me! Have you got something for me? What’s the matter? But Fiery Girl didn’t say anything. She didn’t have to. She just looked at me like she saw me to the bottom, and all her muscles were proud and ready. Like a Jesus heart with fire and thorns inside it.

And I knew: I am doing it for this. If somebody asked me what this was, I wouldn’t be able to tell them. But I knew, I knew.