The Mare

Ginger

I had not thought of Michael for years. Then suddenly, he was there again, floridly. At night, when Paul’s back was like a wall and I couldn’t sleep, I would think of him: the numb, hard way we were with each other, the deep touch of his deadened hands, his broken childishness, the cartoon-cruel expression of his mouth. The time his body trembled and he made a soft noise, and I took my hands off the floor to touch his thighs and he hit me in the face. I told you, don’t touch me! The time he stroked my eyebrows and lips, his strange eyes glittering as if amazed to discover that I had a face. The time he said to me, “You are so lost.” Numb and hard, but with something else inside it; I remembered it with grief and love. Because I had always been haunted by that pitiful feeling, that there had been love between us. Secretly.

These picture-thoughts scrolled past while I grocery shopped or made dinner or walked at night, planning Velvet’s next visit. But I had not had such thoughts for so long that they seemed significant. They seemed related to the drink the night of Velvet’s birthday. Because it was not just a drink; there was a wish that came with it, a need for something I couldn’t put into words. I was afraid to talk about it with Paul. I was afraid he would lecture me, and also that he would associate the slip with Velvet’s presence. And so I decided to go again to my old AA meeting in the city.

When I walked into the room, he was there. At first I couldn’t believe it; I had never seen him at such a meeting or ever imagined he would go to one. The coincidence seemed so impossible, I thought it must be someone else; he was potbellied and pouch-faced, but the eyes and mouth were the same even so. He had the same restless body, the same insouciant posture, though with exhaustion now too. And who else would stare at me like that, as if shocked to see me too, also ashamed and unsure — but glad? He looked glad to see me! He looked glad, then avoided my eyes. I insisted, and finally he looked back. Then he raised a finger to his lips, and with smiling eyes, went, “Shhhh.”