The Mare

Velvet

Before I could go to Pat’s house I had to do chores and read books for a week. I had to apologize to Estella Kadner for causing trouble and apologize to Beverly again in front of Estella. It was disgusting, but I had to do it and I was going to do it. But when I went, Pat took me into Estella’s special office and it was only me and her there, not Beverly. It was the first time I saw her since Christmas. She was sitting down and her hair was tied back, but her shiny skin and her carved nose still made her seem like she was looking down at me, and maybe she would lift me up, maybe not.

“I wanted you to ride in a competition,” she said. “I wanted you to represent us. Why did you do such a foolish thing?”

And I told her. I said that Beverly was hurting Joker inside. She said, “I see” and looked at her desk. Lines came on her forehead.

Then Pat came, and Beverly, and I had to apologize to Beverly. I said, “I’m sorry, Miss Beverly,” but I said it with my head down and Estella Kadner made me raise my head and look at Beverly and say it again. And then I had to say what I was sorry for, just like in school, basically feeling like a piece of shit for no reason. Except that the lines were still on Estella Kadner’s forehead because of what I said before.

“How old are you now?” asked Beverly.

I looked at her for real then. “I’m thirteen,” I said.

“You look older. Even if you were older, I’d be wondering. Just what do you think you know about psychology?”

Nobody said anything.

“How do you know anything about psychology?”

And then I did something I’ve seen my mom do. Except I didn’t do it, it just happened. Instead of looking at Beverly, I looked in her, like looking down a dark hall with doors.

“I know like everybody knows. Miss.”

Beverly looked at me like we were the only people in the room. “You know, you used to be able to beat a kid who acted bad,” she said. “And guess what, kids learned fast, just like horses. They figured out, I act like a jerk I get the crap beat out of me, maybe I don’t want to act like a jerk. Not anymore. Everybody’s worried about ‘self-esteem’ and ‘hurting inside.’ ”

Estella Kadner said, “That’s enough.”

Beverly didn’t say nothin’. It was still like, just her and me in the room.

I said, “My mom does beat me.”

Estella’s forehead went more lined.

Beverly said, “Then your mom does you right.”