X-Treme Latin (Lingua Latina Extrema)

That Old-Time Religion-ILLA RELIGIO PRISCA

Actually, I’m a born-again pagan

Re vera, cultor denuo renatus deorum Romanorum antiquorum sum

I get to worship whomever I like, including SpongeBob SquarePants

Licet mihi venerari pro deo quemlibet, etiam SpongoRobertum QuadratoBracatum

I always ask myself, What would Julius Caesar do?

Me semper rogo, Quid faceret Iulius Caesar?

No, as far as miracles go, this “J. C.” never raised the dead, but he certainly lowered a lot of the living

Immo, si de miraculis agitur, ille “I Ce” nullos mortuos ad vitam revocavit, sed tamen multos vivos ad mortem sane misit

We’re having a prayer breakfast down at the pistol range

Ientabimus, precatione facta, in campo manuballistulario

I am a firm believer in tough hate

Mihi persuasum est odisse acerbe

* Love thy neighbors, and to show you really mean it, send 50,000 heavily armed soldiers to knock on their door and ask in the nicest possible way if they’d like to join your empire.

Do unto others, but do it first

Fac hominibus aliis, atqui fac prius

Blessed are the poor, because they leave so much more money for the rest of us

Beati pauperes, quoniam tanto plus pecuniae nobis reliquis relinquunt

Blessed are the meek, because we can cut in front of them in lines

Beati mites, quoniam istis in ordine stantibus anteponere nosmet ipsos possumus

If someone smites you on the cheek, turn the other cheek and see what kind of a smiter he is with a bloody stump

Si quis te percusserit in dexteram maxillam tuam, praebe illi alteram ut possis cognoscere quam fortiter percussurus sit bracchio truncato cruento

Love thy neighbors, and to show you really mean it, send 50,000 heavily armed soldiers to knock on their door and ask in the nicest possible way if they’d like to join your empire

Dilige proximos tuos, utque illis ostendas te re vera diligere, mitte decem legiones quae ianuas pulsent et quam dulcissime ab illis quaerant, num velint in tuum imperium recipi

The theory of evolution is baloney. Everyone knows the whole universe came out of Saturn’s nostrils

Theoria Darwiniana evolutionis specierum absurda est. Constat inter omnes universitatem rerum ab naribus Saturni venisse

Of course I can speak in tongues, but I prefer Latin

Sane loqui variis linguis possum sicut Apostoli die Pentecostes, sed malo Latine loqui

Let’s say grace: O gods, thank you for permitting us to gobble this food the way Caesar gobbled up half of Europe. Amen.

Precemur. O di, gratias vobis agimus, quod nos sinitis hunc cibum sic devorare quo modo C. Iulius Caesar dimidiam partem Europae devoravit. Finis.