How to Be a Carioca

Now that you have a few bills and coins in your pochete, it’s time to get out and enjoy this beautiful city.

By automobile

Have you ever dreamt you were behind the wheel of a Formula One race car, experiencing the thrill of overtaking another car by only a hair? Have you ever participated in a demolition derby? Great! You will feel right at home. Now is your chance to forget everything you ever knew about caution on the highways. Just keep in mind that driving in Rio is extremely fast, aggressive, and creative. Then put the pedal to the metal, and go for it!

The following are a few observations that might be useful to the novice — and not so novice — Rio motorist. Adopt them and you, too, will be driving like a true Carioca.

Speed Limits: Sure there are speed limits, but who’s checking? When in Rio drive as fast as you like, but always keep your eyes open since you are not the only one going over one hundred kilometers per hour! If all of a sudden the speeding car in front of you slows down to a snail’s pace, resist the temptation to fly on by. It’s a sure sign that a pardal [pahh ’dawl] (speed trap) is in site. Speed on through and you probably won’t get stopped, but you can rest assured a healthy ticket, courtesy of the local DMV, will be delivered to your door in no less than six month’s time.

Parking: Parking in Rio is «permitted» wherever there are no traffic policemen. (Downtown tends to be a little tricky!) It doesn’t matter if it’s on the sidewalk or in the middle of the street. Being a true Carioca you will simply deposit your car wherever it will fit.

Finding a convenient spot to deposit your car on the busy streets of Rio takes creativity. Therefore, in order to park like a true Carioca on wheels, it is imperative that you master the following acceptable Carioca parking methods:

1. The One-Wheel-on-the-Sidewalk Procedure

2. The Screw-the-Pedestrian Procedure

3. The Door-Dinging Procedure

Acceptable carioca parking methods

When your parked car blocks someone else’s, it is a common courtesy to leave the parking brakes off. That way the blocked driver can simply push your car forward or backward, or bounce it sideways, thus making his exit. Just remember, if you are triple parked you might find your car sitting by itself in the middle of the street when you return.

When parking your car anywhere in this city, you may be approached by some dubious looking individual who will offer to «tomar conta» (take care of) your car. This person is known as a guardador, or flanelinha, and can be easily identified by the flannel rag hell be waving frantically, as well as his aggressive behavior. It is advisable to give him at least the equivalent of a dollar in order to avoid any trouble. Giving him less than that or nothing may get him angry, and you’ll run the risk of finding your car liberated of its antenna or scratched upon your return.

At night, in front of major night clubs or theaters, parking in a flanelinha’s area might cost you the equivalent of ten bucks, although bargaining is acceptable. A true Carioca will go to great lengths to avoid paying a flanelinha.

Unless you are interested in subsidizing the car trade on the border, it is wise to always lock your car. The Carioca motorist will invest in several intricate locking systems and alarms in an effort to thwart even the most cunning and devious car thieves.

Traffic lights: One should always stop at red traffic lights, right? Yes, if it’s a major intersection and it’s daylight; wrong, if it’s a minor intersection. In this case just slow down, check for oncoming traffic and cops, and go on through. After ten o’clock at night disregard all traffic lights at all intersections; just slow down, check for oncoming traffic, and take off! As is the case in most major cities, this traffic tactic is recommended due to the possibility of being approached by characters with unworthy intentions while stopped and distracted at any intersection, especially at night. No need to be a sitting duck, folks!

So you may be asking, «If everyone is running the red lights, what do

I do at a green light?» Easy. At green lights apply the same tactic as you would at a red light, but just be sure to blink your high beams when approaching an intersection so other motorists will know you are coming through. The one who has the red light will usually give the green light the right of way.

Day or night, you will notice that there exist many red lights where Cariocas do not even hesitate — they fly right through. These lights are usually pedestrian crossings. The reasoning is simple: if there isn’t a pedestrian in sight, why stop! Don’t worry. In time you will learn when to stop, when to slow down, and when to breeze right on through a red light.

And the yellow light? That’s easy. Speed up and make it through before it turns red. For sure, the car behind yours will!

General rules for the road: Lanes don’t mean anything. Pass wherever there is a space and on either side. If you really want to drive like a true Carioca, never stay more than eight seconds in the same lane.

Squeezing someone is another way of saying, «Let me in.» Do not squeeze a bus. It will gladly squeeze you back. Remember! No one pays any attention to blinkers — theirs or anyone else’s.

By the number of cars on the road that have dings or dents, you might get the impression that Cariocas aren’t very concerned about crashing. Not true. Just like anybody else, they do get very angry if somebody smashes or bumps into their car. The only difference in Rio is that if you were to leave your car at the repair shop every time you got a dent or bump, you’d eventually forget you had a car. Besides, what’s a smashed fender or two?

Beware when the driver in the car in front of you signals that he is turning either left or right. Cariocas have a tendency to make wide turns in the opposite direction in which they are going, thus completely confusing those drivers who following them.

Whether driving a car or riding in a taxi, a Carioca will usually buckle up. Now don’t for a minute think that the Carioca hasn’t seriously weighed the pros and cons of this very sensitive issue. It’s just that sometimes the cons seem to tip the scale, and the following are a few reasons why:

So as not to get a multa [’mool tah] (fine), Cariocas will always wear seat belts when driving on a federal highway, even diehard taxi drivers.

Common courtesies in traffic: In Rio, it has been said that the shortest interval of time is between when the light turns green and the driver behind you honks. Since traffic lights are often hidden behind trees or strategically placed overhead at intersections, honking to let the driver in front of you know the light has changed is a common courtesy in traffic. Of course, it is always wise to double check before Stepping on the gas. That honking motorist behind you might be just trying to catch the attention of a passing gata or gatão.

If the driver in front of you puts his hand out the window and motions in an open-and-close fashion, you can be sure he is not suggesting that you are talking too much. He is simply letting you know that you forgot to turn off your headlights after passing through a tunnel.

It is wise to always keep an eye on your rearview mirror. In the blink of an eye you will find a car, one that had previously been nowhere in sight, just centimeters from your rear bumper flashing his brights. This is the Carioca way of letting you know that you are expected to move over and let him pass. If you don’t, he will just squeeze in next to you anyway and pass into the seemingly nonexistent space in front of you.

Although there are several acceptable Carioca procedures for parking your car in Rio, there is only one way a Carioca on wheels will pass a slower car when going through any of Rio’s numerous tunnels.

The Correct Procedure For Passing in a Tunnel

Step 1. Tailgate the slower car in front of you by maintaining a maximum distance of five inches.

Step 2. Continuously blink your high beams (at least five times). Step 3. Down shift one gear (fourth to third).

Step 4. Move aggressively to the right lane without using your blinker.

Step 5. Accelerate completely, pé na tábua (pedal to the metal)!

Step 6. As you are passing the slower car, signal your disgust to the other driver by tossing your hand in the air in his direction, shaking your head in disbelief, and uttering the appropriate language while shifting back into fourth.

Step 7. Once the pass is completed, move aggressively back to the left lane without using your blinker.

Step 8. Be sure not to leave more than three feet between your back bumper and the car you have just passed. If you leave more, another car will squeeze in behind your car and tailgate YOU.

When it seems like nobody is going to let you through when you’re attempting to enter a speed lane, move out of a parking spot, or make a turn, use the «thumbs-up technique.» Simply put your hand out of the car window in a thumb upward motion, smile, and go for it. The «thumbs-up technique» makes any maneuver acceptable.

A word of caution: Do not be tempted to use the traditional thumb and index finger OK sign when maneuvering through Rio’s traffic. Since the OK sign has a very different connotation in this country, w;hen using it you might find yourself in a not-OK situation.

By taxicab

If you are not sure about trying your hand at the wheel in Rio, try just going for the ride. By taxi you will live all the excitement of the traffic without having to drive. Best of all, if by any chance you do get in an accident, it won’t be your car, and it won’t be your fault either!

Cabs are painted yellow with a blue stripe. You will see small cabs and big cabs. They all cost the same, big or small, AC or no AC. So if you are not in a hurry, pick out a decent-looking, bigger cab, preferably one with four doors — just in case you need to make a speedy exit.

To stop a cab, wave frivolously, but don’t stand on the road. Due to the taxi driver’s enthusiasm, he might run you over! Then get in and tell the driver where you want to go.

Never criticize a taxi driver’s driving ability, even if he seems to be completely out of control. Carioca taxi drivers get very offended since they consider themselves the only good drivers on the road.

Talk to the driver about the weather or the traffic. Create a friendly atmosphere, and attempt not to look ignorant — or like a tourist. If you look like you don’t know what you’re doing, the numbers on the meter will be left aside, and he will feel justified to create a «gringo surcharge.» (In other words, rip you off!) Cariocas will only take taxicabs in emergencies. A real Carioca will either drive, take the bus or hail a van.

The bus

If his car has been stolen, is in the shop, or if he just doesn’t have one, the Carioca will look to the public transportation system as a convenient, dependable means of getting around. Consequently, when riding the bus in Rio, you’ll have the opportunity to encounter Cariocas from all walks of life: from the executive who commutes on the bus to avoid dealing with the bother of downtown parking, to the Dragão Chinês (Chinese Dragon Popsicle) salesman who gets on the bus in mid-summer with a Styrofoam container filled with Popsicles, sells them all to the passengers, and then, before jumping off, announces to his captive audience that he loves having been born a Carioca because he gets to make a living without having to really work.

Riding the bus gives you a different perspective on the traffic, plus plenty of room to admire the view. You’ll feel a lot safer riding the bus, but it is a fake sense of security since bus drivers race and squeeze each other just like everybody else does. Only by trying it can you experience and believe the speed and G-forces that can be achieved while riding on a public bus.

The carioca coletivo

Buses will only stop at their bus stops, which are clearly marked by small wooden signs with numbers on them, either attached to poles by the road or hanging from nearby trees. The easiest way to spot a bus stop is to look for a gathering of people by the right side of the street, and there should be one every other block or so. Note: A real Carioca can manage to stop a bus away from the bus stop.

When picking up a passenger, some bus drivers tend to avoid coming to a complete stop, thus causing passengers to grab on and hop in while the bus is in motion. Since this requires running, jumping, and pulling, being in good athletic condition is strongly recommended before attempting your first bus ride around Rio.

It comes with the territory that when riding a bus in Rio you might have the opportunity to experience one of the city’s most common inconveniences — you might be mugged. Unfortunately, that is a risk you take when riding a bus in any major city. And luckily, in Rio, it’s really not that bad since muggers are only out for the loot (the cameras and expensive looking jewelry that could so easily have been left back at the hotel or your apartment), and they are really not interested in you. But if being on the wrong end of a pickpocket or thief on a bus isn’t your idea of a good time, it can definitely be avoided by not having any of the following in your possession while riding a local bus:

Since you’ll obviously have to carry some cash, the Carioca thing to do is to keep it in two wads in your pocket: one for you and one you for the thieves. Remember! Assault time is NO time for heroics! However, in the event you do happen to suffer one of these inconveniences, just remember to keep your wits about you and remain cool. Besides, it’s a great topic for conversation later over a few chopps or caipirinhas back at your favorite boteco. (Refer to Lesson 9, «Eating Out in Rio.»)

By van

While looking for a taxi or waiting for a bus, there is a good chance that a narrow, top-heavy vehicle spewing exhaust fumes, with someone perilously hanging out the passenger window, will pull up. This is a van [vuhhn]. Although frowned upon by authorities, traveling by van is an excellent bargain for those days when sitting alone in traffic is not what you have in mind. And who knows? Due to its tight quarters, along with a guarda, you might find yourself squeezed next to that special gata or gatão. (Refer to Lesson 16, «Carioca Romance.»)

By motorcycle

Cariocas on wheels tend to come within a hair of altering their existence, especially when the wheels they are negotiating through Rio’s traffic belong to a motorcycle. Therefore, anyone with suicidal tendencies should try their hand at a motorcycle on the streets of this beautiful city. If you fit this description, it is recommended you look for a dirt bike, or any other similar kind of machine, due to the varying degrees of (or lack of) pavement you might encounter. Remember that you will be sharing the road with taxis, buses, and cars, so make sure you are familiar with this entire lesson in order to know what you’re getting into!

The helmet is very popular among Rio bikers, although its use on the head is not. The helmet is often seen attached to the rear seat of the bike — sometimes hanging to the left, sometimes to the right — or is carried on the arm of the rider. Contrary to bikers in other parts of the world who don protective leather gear, the Carioca biker will wear anything from sungas and tangas to business suits and party gowns.

The best thing about a motorcycle in Rio is its utility in rush hour traffic. By squeezing through the sea of motionless cars, or simply riding on the sidewalk, if you ride a motorcycle you are guaranteed to get you to your destination well before any automobile driver.

On foot

In order to appreciate Rio’s natural magnificence and splendor, it is best to leave the wheels aside. Put on those shorts and Havaianas, roll up a few wads of bills and put them in your pocket, and enjoy the city on foot. However, sidewalks are often cracked or broken due to motorists who insist on parking on them, holes are common varying in size and depth, and dog mines are not unusual So a moment of distraction may result in an injury or a curb stop. Just remember to watch your Step at all times (often making sightseeing a bit hard on the neck), and then languish in the glory of Rio.

• buses

• dog mines

• broken bottles

• automobile parts

• motorcycles

• construction sites

• wood with rusty nails

• uncovered pot holes

• sleeping beggars

• Macumbas

• bicycles

• camelôs

• parked cars

• UFOs (Unidentified Falling Objects)

Unless in search of a real adventure, a true Carioca will never walk the streets wearing or earning anything of value. It just isn’t common sense to do so anywhere in the world, unless, of course, your home town is Mountain Iron, Minnesota! But in the event some pivete (young street thief) should take a liking to your imitation diver’s watch, simply smile and pass it over. The camelô you just tripped over should have another one just like it.

Pedestrian X-ings: You may have figured out by now that only animals have less priority than pedestrians when crossing a street in Rio. Remember! The Carioca motorist will make it a personal challenge to see just how close he can get to a pedestrian. If you want to cross a street like a real local, ignore all pedestrian overpasses and crosswalks when reaching a busy street. Just run for your life! And unless you want to be history, it’s not advisable to attempt the «thumbs-up technique» when crossing a busy Rio street. You might end up facedown!

Asking directions

Unfortunately, Rio is not known for its exemplary street signs, and even the truest of Cariocas will admit to occasionally getting lost. If you should find yourself in such a situation, do not become alarmed. Just stop the person closest to you and ask for directions.

Whether it be from your car window, at a bus stop, or on the sidewalk, Cariocas will always stop whatever they are doing to assist you. And you can be sure they will do so in an extremely accommodating and friendly fashion. A hand to the chin, a turn of the head in both directions, and a short pause will precede a lengthy series of intricate instructions on how to reach your destination, often accompanied by several options.

In the rare event that a Carioca is not familiar with the place you are looking for, he will take it upon himself to direct your question to the person standing closest to him, who will consequently ask another person. Soon a small crowd will form, at which time it is best to walk or drive away to try your luck elsewhere to avoid the ensuing chaos.

Carioca department of motor vehicles examination

In order to find out if you would be safe behind the wheel in Rio, try taking the following multiple choice test.

Boa sorte! (Good luck!)

1. Before putting the key in the ignition, you should

• buckle up.

• check your gas gauge.

• turn on the radio.

• do none of the above.

2. If you reach a yellow light and the guy in front of you goes for it, you should

• prepare to stop.

• accelerate and go for it.

• note the car’s license number and make a citizen’s arrest.

3. How many car lengths should you maintain from the car in front of you for optimum safety?

• Five.

• Three.

• Half.

• None of the above.

4. When driving, you should never take your eyes off the road unless

• you see an incredible gata or gatão walking along the beach.

• you are looking for a parking space.

• you see the pivete that took your watch last week.

• None of the above.

• All of the above.

5. If a car has cut you off, you should

• ignore it and let him go.

• cuss him out.

• catch up to him and tailgate as you blink your high beams.

6. Besides the horn, what is the most important part of your car?

• The rearview mirror.

• The door knob.

• The back seat.

• None of the above.

7. Before obtaining a driver’s license, you should

• go to a driving school.

• take out life insurance.

• make out your will.

• do all of the above.

8. When stuck in heavy traffic, you should

• call your wife on your cellular phone to tell her you’ll be late.

• take a deep breath and put in that classical music CD.

• tune in to the news on your radio.

• do none of the above.

9. When you’re speeding or illegally parked in Rio, your chances of getting a ticket are

• one hundred percent.

• fifty percent.

• twenty-five percent.

• none of the above.

10. When someone approaches you while you are stopped at a red light, they are probably going to ask you for

• trocadinho.

• trocadinho.

• trocadinho.

• all of the above.

11. When approaching a red light, you should

• check your watch.

• stop.

• run the light.

• wash your windshield.

Correct Answers to the C.D.M.V. Examination

1. D The first thing you should do when you get in your car is turn off your alarm systems and antitheft devices.

2. В Stop at a yellow light and you will have company in the front seat with you (in other words, the car behind you)!

3. D The only safe distance between you and the car in front of you is the distance behind you once you have passed it.

4. E Of course, you instinctively will look when seeing item A!

5. С Obviously. Be sure to flip him the bird on your way by.

6. E The padlock that locks your steering wheel to your pedals.

7. D Although, due to the red tape in getting one, a real Carioca will just end up buying one!

8. D Drive on the sidewalk while blinking your lights and honking to warn the pedestrians that you are coming through. Then enter the first one-way street, heading in the wrong direction.

9. D Between one and ten percent.

10. D You can bet your tangerines, lemons, lottery tickets, candy bars, air biscuits, and loose change on that!

11. A If you stop and it’s after ten, you might be a sitting duck.

Check your score. Are you a real Carioca on wheels?

• All eleven correct and you are a natural Carioca on wheels. Vamu nessa! You’ll be a Formula One driver in no time.

• If you managed to get six or more right, you’re still a little wet behind the ears. Calma, Betche! (Relax, Betty!) Work on running a few more lights, and soon you’ll be tailgating, too.

• Got only between three and five correct? You’ll be stuck in that traffic jam until the cows come home. Take a few tips from a taxi driver before getting behind the wheel again.

• Anything less and you should take the bus, pal.