How to Be a Carioca

Those summer months in Rio, from September to May, are very popular because of all the available activities and the hot, humid weather. Summer also seems to bring out the inherent passion that lives inside all Cariocas, so the days when the thermometers reach 44 °C (that’s about in°F, folks) are not really that bad-as long as you know what to do and what not to do.

• Go to the beach

• Sit in an air-conditioned room

• Drink chopps at the boteco

• Wear a tanga or sunga all day

• Go to an air-conditioned motel

• Go to work

• Walk downtown

• Drive during rush hour

• Shop in Copacabana

• Wear much clothing

Going to the beach

If you think that going to the beach is simply a matter of putting on a bathing suit, grabbing a towel, and heading for the nearest stretch of white sand to bag a few rays, think again. To the Carioca, going to the beach is an art form.

Before venturing out, be sure to refer back to Lesson 6 to ensure you are dressed (or undressed) appropriately. Then check your newspaper to see if the health authorities have liberated your favorite beach for swimming. Being a Carioca, ignore the warnings; but once your are there, do look out for:

• pivetes and ratos de praia

• fishing lines

• bugs that you can see and that bite

• bugs that you can’t see and that bite

• UFOs (Unidentified Floating Objects)

• IFOs (Identified Floating Objects)

• dog mines

When in Rio, it is absolutely imperative that you go to the beach like a true Carioca. If you resort to your usual habits, you will definitely be labeled a tourist. Therefore, memorize the following thirteen easy Steps on how to conduct yourself once you have arrived AT the beach. Remember! Your status as a Carioca will depend on it.

Step 1. Parking: When arriving by car you will naturally be met by a flanelinha, with the exception that here he will be weaving not only a flag; he will be flapping a piece of cardboard at you while directing you to the nearest parking space. The cardboard is to cover your windshield so that you won’t burn your fingers on the steering wheel after it bakes in the hot sun. Clever, no? Insist that the cardboard isn’t necessary, and he will put one on your car anyway. Be sure to carry the appropriate change for him. But before leaving your vehicle in his care, be sure to say:

«Te pago na volta, mermão.» [tchee ’pah goh nah ’vohl tah merh ’mown]: «I’ll pay you later, buddy.»

Step 2. Collecting your paraphernalia: A true Carioca will always carry beach chairs, an umbrella, esteiras [eh ’shtay rrahs] (straw mats), and other beach paraphernalia in the trunk of his car. That way, no matter where he is, he will be prepared to stop what he is doing and hit the beach. (Of course, wearing beach attire from morning until the sun goes down always facilitates matters when the beach is calling.)

Step 3. Deciding where to sit: In the process of developing your new status as a Carioca, where you settle on the beach is of utmost importance. Sitting close to a beer vendor guarantees that your cervas and your água com gás [’ah gwah kown ’gaiysh] (water with gas) will be delivered ice cold, and you won’t have to move from your spot when it comes time to order the next round. Avoid sitting next to the sewers or too close to the water. It is very embarrassing when a wave washes away your belongings, and it could even trigger an early departure from the beach. Of course, sitting close to the sidewalk where the sand is the hottest you run the risk of burning your feet going to and from the water. When sitting near the sidewalk on São Conrado beach, there also exists the added excitement of hang gliders landing on top of you.

If in doubt, just check where the other Cariocas are, mark your spot, and join the crowd.

Step 4. Setting up your umbrella: To properly set up your guarda sol (beach umbrella), take the bottom half of the pole and stab it into the sand as hard as you can. Be sure to pay close attention to the direction of the sun to avoid repeating the entire process. Then rotate the pole in a counterclockwise motion, as if you were stirring a large pot of beans. Once it is securely buried — at least twenty centimeters in the sand — you are then ready to attach the top portion of your umbrella. (Reserve at least five minutes for this process. If you don’t bury the pole sufficiently, it will fly away with the first gust of wind.)

On those crowded summer days, the color of your umbrella will be the only means in which to find your way back to your spot. Keep this in mind when purchasing your new umbrella. Consequently, the least attractive one you can find is a sure bet. (Perhaps a lime green with orange polka dots?)

Step 5. Laying down your towel or straw mat (only for women): Once again, carefully check the sun’s direction before laying down your towel or esteira. Then prepare the sand in the following fashion: While standing, dig a hole in the sand with one foot, pushing the sand into a mound. The hole in the sand will cradle your bottom in a hammock fashion, and the mound will secure your head. Once you have built a substantial mound, smooth it over with your foot. Hand use must be avoided in this process. Place your towel on top. While lying in this position you are guaranteed a perfect view of all the sights.

Step 6. Getting settled: Once your umbrella is up, your chairs are unfolded, and your towel is down, you are then free to remove your «arriving-at-the-beach» attire.

For females: If you are not using a towel, unwrap your kanga very carefully and place it, with one snapping motion and a bend at the waist, on the previously prepared mounds. Next, remove your T-shirt, adjust the top portion of your tanga, and place your shirt, neatly folded, in your beach bag. Remove suntan oil from your bag, and slowly, while standing, spread it over your entire body. This should take no less than three minutes in order to achieve the maximum desired effect. Place your beach bag within easy reach, sit on your kanga, swivel at the waist, and stretch out. Presto! You are now ready to receive those penetrating rays. In order to prevent back strain when it is time to flip over, ask the closest gatao to oil those hard to reach areas. There should be an abundant supply of volunteers to help you avoid getting a nasty burn in those inconvenient spots.

For males: Quickly remove your T-shirt and outer shorts, and hang them inside the umbrella. The longer you remain with your shirt on the less you’ll look like a Carioca.

Step 7. Making friends with the beer vendor: Develop a friendly rapport with the closest barraqueiro [bah hah ’kay rroo] (beer vendor with his own stand). This may be achieved by first introducing yourself in the following fashion:

«Qualé mermão? Beleza?» [quah ’leh merh ’mown beh ’leh zah]: «What’s up, buddy? Everything cool?»

Shake his hand, pat him on the back, give him the thumbs-up, and it will be the beginning of a great relationship. Be sure to indicate where you are seated, and he will keep those cervas coming. Don’t worry about digging into the lining of your shorts or your beach bag every time you feel thirsty. Your running tab will be settled when you make that first move to leave the beach. A true Carioca’s tab will be settled on a weekly basis. If you should opt for the weekly, or even monthly, tab — remember that beer vendors are also economists — your tab will most likely be adjusted on a daily basis according to current interest rates.

Step 8. Going for a dip: Eventually, after a few beers and your skin begins to feel crispy, it will be time to go for a swim. How quickly you get wet will be directly influenced by the water temperature and the number of beers and bottles of mineral water you have consumed.

1. Walk slowly down to the shoreline, continuously adjusting the bottom of your tanga.

2. Test the temperature of the water by getting your feet wet.

3. Between waves, walk in up to your knees and squat down far enough to just barely wet your buttocks.

4. Read just your tanga.

5. When the next wave approaches, hold your nose and dive under it, making sure to get back to the shoreline as quickly as possible before the next wave hits.

6. Readjust your tanga.

7. Bend over at the waist and throw your hair backwards and forwards three times to remove excess moisture.

8. Readjust your tanga while slowly returning to your spot.

1. Run to the shoreline and dive (or flip) into the ocean without stopping to consider the water temperature or the waves.

2. Body surf or swim for at least twenty minutes.

3. Stop at the shoreline to adjust your equipment. Then shake your hair back and forth to remove excess moisture. (This is also helpful in avoiding that «wet seal» look.)

4. Run back to your spot.

5. Although you are wet, don’t be tempted to sit in your chair. A male Carioca will always sit on the sand.

Step 9. Getting active: Now that you are fully energized after your swim, it is time to get active.

On a typical summer day, tens of thousands of Cariocas battle for their rightful place in the sun, on the sand, and in the water. This crowded scenario offers optimum conditions in which to indulge in the many beach activities available to the Carioca. You, too, can participate as long as you play by the rules.

The following are just a few of the beach activities available on a typical summer day in Rio:

• Surfando: Very popular around the world, this sport, also known as pegando onda (catching waves), takes on new meaning on the beaches of Rio. Riding down a wave while standing on a surfboard, the Carioca surfista will attempt to run over as many objects in his path as possible. Priority should be given to bodiboders and body surfers.

• Bodibodin: Also a very popular water sport, bodibodin differs from surfing in that the wave is caught while lying down on a bodysized, compressed rubber board. A bodiboder’s favorite targets are body surfers and other bathers. It is important to note that running over a surfer while bodibodin is the equivalent of signing your own death sentence, the only exception being if the bodiboder is a she.

• Pelada: A form of soccer, pelada (meaning «naked») is played with at least two people. Carioca men are very serious about playing pelada and will always find a way to participate, even if it means hobbling around on a broken or bandaged foot. The object of this game is to kick a soccer ball back and forth through the beach crowd. As more players are attracted to the game, teams can be formed and goals made by positioning chinelos (rubber sandals) approximately two feet apart. On crowded days the chances of throwing sand on bathers and hitting them with the ball is greatest, and so is the fun.

• Frescobol: Reserved for those most crowded summer days, this racquet game is played on the shoreline where the sand is the firmest, and there is sure to be a constant flux of people walking by. Two players, each with a wooden racquet, stand approximately six feet apart and proceed to hit a small rubber ball as hard as they can back and forth, bouncing off as many people as possible without touching the sand.

• Volei: The only beach sport in which the participants actually pick an area furthest from the crowds, a skilled Carioca volei (volleyball) player will manage to include those bathers who are arriving or leaving the beach as his unsuspecting targets.

• Olha a asa! (Watch out for the hang glider!): Primarily played in Sao Conrado at Pepino (Cucumber) Beach, this «bather participation» activity is also available on Ipanema, Leblon, and Barra beaches, although on a smaller scale. Excellent for those days when you go solo to the beach, all you need to do is get comfortable, close your eyes, and listen for the password. When you hear «Olha a asa!», jump up, cover your head, then run towards the ocean.

• Body watching: The all-time favorite pastime for Cariocas anywhere, it takes on a whole new meaning at the beach (for obvious reasons)! All you need in order to play is a pair of dark glasses (optional for more discretion). The bodies are courtesy of the One Up Above, who, if you didn’t know by now, is also a Carioca. Obs.: There is a definite danger of whiplash while indulging in this game.

• Rangando (Eating): After so much activity you need never go hungry while at the beach, and the enormous number of beach vendors trampling around you will make sure you don’t forget it. Some beach delicacies that are available to choose from are:

The all-time favorite, though, amongst the truest of Cariocas is the biscoito de polvilho [bee ’skoy too gee poh ’vee lyoh] (air biscuit). These air biscuits are sold in packages of ten and come in two flavors — sweet and salty. What contributes to the success of this air biscuit is the mystery as to what it really is. Taking a bite of an air biscuit is like taking a bite of nothing, and the difference between the sweet and the salty is yet to be discerned. It is a good idea to eat these air biscuits accompanied by an ice cold cerva. Avoid eating them, though, when you are deep in conversation.

Step 10. Etiquette: If you think bumming a smoke, asking for a light, reading someone else’s newspaper, asking others to watch your belongings while you take a dip, borrowing suntan lotion and asking the person to rub it on your back are not examples of acceptable behavior at the beach, wake up and smell the coffee! How else would you ever approach that gorgeous gata or gatão?

Step 11. Meeting friends: When bumping into someone you frequently see at the beach, you should always achieve body contact (refer to Lesson 5, «Carioca Body Language») before saying:

«E aí, (insert person?s name), beleza?»: «So how’s it going, great?» or «Opa, e aí?»: «Hey, so what’s up?»

Your response should always be affirmative, even if your dog has just died. Acceptable conversation topics may range from the weather to the most recent episode on the novela das oito.

Step 12. A galera da praia [ah gah leh rah dah ’prrah vah]: After spending a few days at the beach abids you farewell bynd borrowing as many objects as possible, you will have acquired a group of acquaintances. These newly found friends are your galera da praia (beach crowd). A true Carioca will maintain a close relationship with the galera da praia as long as there is sand under foot. Remember: if anyone from your galera da praia bids you farewell by saying, «Aparece lá em casa,» resist the temptation to follow up on the offer without confirming by telephone first, even if they set a specific date. (If you do, you’ll probably be met with a stunned look, and you will end up blowing your cover as a local! Refer to Lesson 5, «Carioca Body Language.») Before leaving the beach, be sure to embrace or kiss everyone on the cheek, saying:

«A gente se vê.» [ah ’gen tche see ’veh]? See ya around?

Step 13. When it's time to leave: When the sun sets either behind the mountains or over the horizon is the only truly acceptable time for a Carioca to leave the beach. Shake out your towels; close up your beach chairs; shut and disassemble your umbrella; put on those T-shirts, shorts and kangas; place all assorted items in the beach bag; kiss the galera and tell each of them you’ll be calling; and pay off the tab with your new buddy — the beer vendor. (Don’t forget to give him a firm pat on the back and a thumbs-up!) Then head slowly for the sidewalk. When you are within five feet of your car, quicken your pace, throw everything in the trunk, remove the cardboard from your windshield, and drive off as quickly as possible. Don’t worry. The flanelinha will only chase you for a few meters, or until he sees another freguês [freh ’gaysh] (customer) pulling out. Then head to your favorite boteco for another round with your galera doboteco (bar crowd).

Other summer activities

Submarine driving: Due to the intense humidity in the summer months, Rio is subject to sudden heavy rains. These deluges seldom last over thirty minutes, and unless you live on a hill or in a valley, they are merely an inconvenience. Naturally, there are a few recommendations to be heeded if you should unfortunately find yourself outside your residence when it rains in Rio:

1. If you have any experience piloting submarines, you shouldn’t have any problem driving your car in Rio when it rains. A Carioca will drive through a flooded road as long as the water level does not go past his windshield. In order to avoid problems in this situation, just keep the clutch depressed with one foot, accelerate continuously with the other, while keeping the other foot (?!) on the brake. That way you won’?t float into the car in front of you, water will not enter your exhaust pipe, and you will save yourself the tremendous headache of dry cleaning expenses.

2. Be sure to keep your windows closed. If you don’t, you might get caught by surprise by a tidal wave produced by a bus. And if you’re not careful and the flood water level should reach the window, your car will sink, consequently ruining your CD collection.

3. If the currents begin to take your car, don’t panic. Just climb on top of your car and reach for the nearest passing tree branch. Then wait for the first person to come around with a boat or a surfboard.

4. Look out for snakes, leeches, rats, and «who knows whats» that often appear on flooded streets.

5. Be on the lookout for «flood pirates,» and do not accept any offers for assistance. If anyone should offer to help, it will probably be a set-up, and you could find yourself minus your possessions and your floating device.

6. If you should be on a bus, great. It is the safest and driest place to be, and it is where you will remain for the next few hours, crammed together with one hundred and ten other people.

7. If you find yourself struck in traffic when the rains hit, stop at the highest point on the road, lock your car, and have a few chopps, perhaps accompanied by a portion of batata frita, at the nearest boteco. Remember to have a cafezinho before returning to your car.

8. If you should be walking in the street when the rains hit, find the nearest dry boteco and have a few chopps? why not make that a few caipirinhas! You won?t be going anywhere anyway.

Leaving town: The true Carioca loves to travel and will even concede his spot on the beach in order to do so. Any of the beautiful beaches along Rio’s coastline — or Brazil’s, for that matter — are favorite Carioca destinations. As far as the Carioca is concerned, though, Paulistas don’t know «diddlee squat» about the art of going to the beach. And for that reason, as a matter of principle, a true Carioca will bypass any of the spectacular Sao Paulo beaches on his vacation if the Paulistas, those locals from his neighboring rival state, are already there.