How to Be a Carioca

Lesson 13 Health Problems Carioca Style

The true Carioca believes he is never alone and that all aspects of his life are governed by spirits, both good and evil. Although predominantly a Catholic country, the Carioca will not hesitate to call upon any number of these spirits for comfort or healing.

If you should find yourself ill, or in need, while visiting Rio, do as the Carioca does. Before calling the nearest doctor, go to your local newsstand and pick up a guide to simpatia [seen pah ’tchee yah], a healing ritual always preceded by a prayer to a favorite spiritual guide (a guardian angel, patron saint, or guru).

In order to receive full benefits through simpatia, it is important to note the following guidelines before commencing down the road to well-being:

The objective of your simpatia should be honest and not prejudice anyone or anything.

Love conquered through occult healing forces will not last forever — between three to seven years.

Never attempt a simpatia within twenty-four hours of serious hanky-panky.

Abstain from alcohol and sex for seven days after exercising any form of simpatia.

No simpatia should be practiced during the waning moon.

Never permit the presence of children or pregnant women when performing a simpatia.

Adhering to these few simple rules, the next Step is to simply look up your particular malady in your simpatia guidebook and carefully follow the instructions. After all, it can’t hurt, it’s free, and it will probably take your mind off whatever it is that is bothering you. The following are a few examples of common physical, emotional, or mental ailments you, too, might possibly cure by turning to simpatia.

To remove warts: At night, take a piece of slab bacon to an ant hill. Rub the bacon over your wart three times while saving, «Disaparece, veruga» [dee zah pah ’rreh see veh ’hoo gah] («Disappear, wart»). Put the bacon inside the ant hill and leave without looking back. Soon your wart will disappear.

To cure baldness: Clip hair from your armpits, placing the hair in a glass. Add one spoon of honey and two of Coca-Cola (Pepsi will do) and mix it together into a paste. Light two candles by the glass and let it sit overnight. Note: If one of the candles goes out during the night, this simpatia will not work. The next night, rub the mixture in the glass on your head, leaving it on for two hours. Your hair should begin to grow on the full moon of the third month after your application.

To cure a pimple inside the nose: If a pimple should develop inside your nose, gently run your fingers on the outside of the area where the pimple is developing. Heat a small white rag by holding it against a pot of boiling beans. Wring out the rag and twist it in such a way as to insert it in the nostril. Leave it on the pimple for a minute and remove. Heat the rag and repeat the process three times.

To cure allergies: Make cotton balls equalling the number of birthdays you have celebrated. Put the cotton balls in a metal container, wet them with alcohol, and light them. When the flames have extinguished, inhale the smoke, immediately collect the ashes which have remained in the container, throw them into running water, and carefully wash your hands and the container. (Be sure to place the lid on the alcohol and remove it from the area before lighting the fire.)

Simpatia is a handy cure for most anything that might ail you. To protect a home from jealousy or to find a lover for a widow are just a couple of the reasons why a Carioca will turn to simpatia. The following are examples of problems you, too, might have, but never knew how to solve:

To find a rich spouse: Gather three shells from the sea, three strands of your hair, three pieces of red ribbon, and three cloves of garlic. Wrap them together in a piece of white cloth. Go to the sea and throw it in the waves while focusing your thoughts on that rich man or woman you’ve had your eye on (but who doesn’t know you exist).

To receive long-awaited money: Locate a frog’s home and check to see if the animal is in there. If it is, cover the hole and say, «I will only open your home when I receive the money that I am waiting for.» When the money is received, free the frog. It is important you remember to do this since, if you don’t, it is certain that you will have seven years of bad luck.

To quit drinking: Place seventy-two grains of corn inside a bottle of red wine. Leave it in the cupboard for seven nights. Whenever you feel the desire to drink, open the bottle and smell the liquid for thirty seconds. Afterwards, take a deep breath, fill a wine glass with the wine, and throw it out the kitchen door.

So if you should find yourself in one of these unfortunate circumstances while visiting Rio, just tell your friends you are resorting to simpatia, and your status as a Carioca will be intact. Of course, if your problem requires more immediate care, Rio has several excellent municipal hospitals completely staffed for any emergency. (See Lesson 19, «Famous Carioca Lines.»)