How to Be a Carioca

If the thought of going back to your six-digit corporate position and those payments on your house in the burbs is making you a «bit» tense, your next Step is obvious. Go ahead. Put your finger on that dial and tell your boss that you are staying in paradise, saying «Tchau» to your high- pressured job, and are kissing that tenth floor office (with a window) good-bye. It’s time you lived like a true Carioca. The following initial Steps should help you get settled in the Cidade Maravilhosa:

Step 1. Rent an apartment

Your first Step towards living like a Carioca will be to rent a two-bedroom apartment. (You don’t want all those friends and family members who will be coming for extended visits to sleep on the floor, do you?) Be sure it has an ocean view and a veranda — so that you can appreciate the sites — and is situated no less than four blocks from the beach in the Zona Sul.

Living in a Carioca apartment you will be sharing your elevator with the other twelve apartments on your floor. Considered a bonus, sharing an elevator will offer you those optimum opportunities to meet your neighbors. Who knows? You could get in the elevator and find that special someone who, by chance, is taking his or her pet out for a walk. (Refer back to Lesson 16, «Carioca Romance.») Which reminds me, it is always wise to measure the elevator before signing that contract. You don’t want to have the unpleasant surprise of finding that, when it comes time to walk your pet, you have to use the stairs. Of course, unless you want to scrimp on aerobics classes and prefer running up several flights of stairs when the electricity is cut off, it is always a good idea to consider a lower floor when choosing your apartment.

A touch of Bauhaus: No need for those nasty interior decorating bills either. Designed for efficiency, the Carioca apartment will require very little furniture — a few pillows on the floor and a fan should do fine for the living room, while a bed and chair (to stack your clothes on) in the bedrooms should do the trick. The curtain rod in the shower works beautifully for those items still lingering on in your wardrobe that might need hanging.

If by chance you are an entomologist, you will be delighted with the variety of species your apartment will be furnished with. Then again, if you’re not, don’t panic. It’s nothing an old shoe can’t take care of.

Step 2. Meet your doorman

The first Step you should take after renting an apartment is to develop a relationship with the porteiro [poh ‘tay rroo] (doorman), without a doubt the most important person in the building. Porteiros are not Cariocas; they come from the Northeast of Brazil. If not in the garage washing cars, in one of the apartments having a cafezinho with a maid, or at the entrance reading someone else’s newspaper, a porteiro can usually be found in his living quarters with his wife and three children watching television. Greet him by saying the following:

«Е aí, mermão? Beleza?»:

«So hey, buddy? Everything cool?»

That way you will be guaranteed having your newspaper delivered by noon, your car «washed» daily, and your mail deposited on your doorstep at least twice a week. Also, because he is the only person who knows everyone in the building, your porteiro will be indispensable for:

• telling you if that gata upstairs has a boyfriend

• telling you if that gatão downstairs has a girlfriend

• letting you know that your galera came by while you were out

• doing very minor fix-ups in your apartment

• bringing the groceries up (especially if the electricity is off or the elevator is being serviced)

• letting the people on the floor above you know that you don’t appreciate their son’s drum playing at two a.m.

• finding empregadas [eyn prreh ‘gah dush] (maids) and faxineiras [fah shee ‘nay rrush] (cleaning women)

• keeping your car clean, and

• supplying you with the best tips for the Jogo do Bicho.

Note: Since the salary your porteiro receives doesn’t include the above duties, when pursuing him for any services besides sitting by the entrance to your building, a tip will be required. Simply wad up a few small bills, put them in his hand while patting him on the back and say:

«Aí. Valeu! Tomaí pra cervejinha.»:

«Hey. Thanks! Here’s a little something for a beer.»

Step 3. Hire a maid

In order to free yourself for those more important items on your agenda, such as going to the beach, it is imperative that you hire an empregada. For a small tip, the porteiro is sure to come up with a relative who will be available to begin work on Monday morning at seven o’clock sharp.

How to deal with your maid: When she arrives at eleven o’clock, your first Step will be to sit her down and firmly let her know exactly what you expect her to do.

It is important to keep in mind that maids will usually only do what you tell them. For example, if you request a turkey for Christmas dinner, don’t be surprised if that is all you find when you and your guests sit down at the dinner table. Also, since maids often come from small towns in the interior of Brazil or the Northeast, conveniences you might take for granted are completely foreign to them. To make my point, there is the case of one patroa [pah ‘trrow ah] (female boss) who, upon noticing there was no toilet tissue in the bathroom, asked her maid to please change it. When she went to use the facilities awhile later, the patroa found her maid carefully rolling tissue from the new roll to the empty one, sheet by sheet. The maid, of course, was not aware that the tissue holder was detachable from the wall!

Therefore, when dealing with your new maid, the following guidelines will help you get off on the right foot:

Demand a color television set for the kitchen.

Refuse to serve dinner after 8:30 p.m. since it would interfere with the novela das oito.

Break your favorite cafezinho cup and not tell you about it.

Ask for two nights a week off to dance at the forro (hick disco).

Use two kilos of sugar and one kilo of salt a week.

Leave all the lamps unplugged after cleaning behind the furniture.

Wax your antique dining room table with the floor waxer.

Go to the doctor once a week and only get back in time for dinner. Wear your clothes and drink your booze while you are away.

Get more telephone calls than you do.

Wash windows or wax floors; you will have to hire a faxineira for that.

Arrive in time for breakfast on Monday morning.

Serve dinner on Fridays.

Work during Carnival.

Remember to give you your telephone messages.

Cook anything except for rice and beans until you teach her.

Answer the phone or the front door during her novela.

Speak on the phone for less than fifteen minutes at a time.

Calculating your maid’s salary: Depending on her experience, you can pay anything from one minimum wage on up. It’s a good idea to check with the porteiro first to see how much others in your building are paving so as not to inflate the market. If you pay too much, the other maids in the building will demand raises — resulting in your getting dirty looks from your neighbors in the elevator. If you pay too little, your neighbors won’t hesitate to steal her away.

Once you are in agreement concerning her salary, you can simply calculate the amount to pay her each month by checking the newspaper for the current minimum wage. Then remember to watch the evening news on a daily basis just in case the government concedes some sort of bonus.

Aside from the monthly salary, social security payments, and her bus fare, you will also be expected to fork out for:

• doctor and dental expenses when the municipal hospital lines are too long, or the doctors are on strike,

• presents for her children at Christmas time,

• extra for a down payment on her mother’s television, and

• an advance for her to buy her Carnival parade costume.

By the time she has been with you for a year, remember to give her a month’s vacation, which means you will pay her one month’s salary plus a bonus of one-third so she can have some extra cash to visit her six children in the Northeast. And don’t forget to pay her a thirteenth month salary by the time the end of the year rolls by.

Firing your maid: If your maid has burned too many beans, sky-rocketed your phone bill, and fought with one too many faxineiras, it is probably time to send her packing. In this event, you will need to calculate how much to pay her to send her happily on her way.

It’s simple. If she has worked for you for a year and a month, all you have to do is calculate one and one-twelfth month’s salary plus one third bonus minus her share of social security for her vacation pay, then add another one and one-twelfth month’s salary to cover her thirteenth-month salary, then calculate and add the stipulated percentage of her social security and mandatory retirement fund you have been depositing in the bank for her every month (plus fines in case you plum forgot or the line at the bank was too long), plus a full month’s salary for severance pay to top it off. Got it? The grand total will probably be enough for her to put a healthy down payment on that house in the suburbs she’s always wanted.

Step 4. Buy a car

If you are a real Carioca, your best bet when purchasing a car is something used — at least five years old — preferably with a few dents and rust spots. That way you will avoid any nervousness on the highway or when parking, and the chances of it ending up for sale in Paraguay are «slightly» reduced.

Once you get the keys, the following recommendations may help you maximize the life expectancy of your car:

Always lock your steering wheel with a large padlock and turn on your alarm systems whenever you park;

Make sure that the most important item in your car, your horn, is in perfect working condition;

Place eight stickers on the windows and two beach chairs and a beach umbrella in the trunk;

Replace your antenna with a wire coat hanger and install your tunes in the glove compartment. (Or use your iPod!)

Step 5. Pay your bills

Being a Carioca, paying your bills is a breeze. (Refer to Lesson 7, «Dealing with Money.») If you’re not into on-line banking, or you simply don’t have a PC, no sweat. Just grab your utility bills, along with that grocery list and some change for your weekly fézinha (refer to Lesson 18, «Gambling — Legal and Not So Legal»), and head for the nearest supermarket or casa lotérica, most of which will be happy to handle your bills at the checkout counter.

And remember, since all other payments and overdue bills must be paid at the bank (refer to Lesson 19, «Famous Carioca Lines»), be sure to take along some trocadinho for the flanelinhas, tennis ball jugglers, windshield cleaners, biscoito de polvilho and tangerine vendors, etc., who will be waiting for you at every corner.

Step 6. Go to the beach

Your maid quit, the phones don’t work, the electricity is off, your tennis shoes were stolen, and your car won’t start? No problem. Fique numa boa (Stay cool), and do as the Carioca does. Put on a smile, slip into those Havaianas, and head for the sand. After all, there is nothing that a few hours at the beach won’t cure. Take it from a real Carioca.

Falou! (All right!)