How to Be a Carioca

Lesson 16 Carioca Romance

If you are taking a vacation for romance, you have come to the right place. Cariocas are very high on the World’s Most Romantic People list, and the promise of romance is in their music, in the way they talk, and the rhythm of their walk. Go ahead. Loosen up that stride and practice your body language. You never know. You could meet that special someone right here in Rio.

How to get a date in Rio: Single, married, young, or old, it is second nature for the Carioca to always be on the lookout. Making contact with a new person specifically for romantic purposes is a personal challenge the Carioca meets with great enthusiasm, creativity, and guts. When the opportunity presents itself it takes precedence over all. Consider the following scenario, for example:

You are late for an important business meeting and are stuck sitting in your car while stopped at a traffic light. The cross traffic is intense, making it impossible to run the light. You can either stare straight ahead and stew about the time you are wasting, or you can do as the Carioca does: In first gear, keep one foot on the clutch while the other accelerates. Check out all the cars around you for an interesting gata. If you see one, honk your horn a few times in an attempt to make eye contact, and when the light changes, squeeze in behind her and flick your high beams (at least five times). If you are lucky, you will be exchanging phone numbers at the next stop light!

Of course, you could take a lesson from one particular Carioca gentleman who met two of his wives by provoking «fender-benders.» He insists that the satisfaction of meeting these women far outweighed the damages to his car.

No need for women to be left out in the cold either. One certain well-known woman who, noticing a gatão walking his dog on the sidewalk in front of her building every day, ran out and bought a similar dog. The next day she simply stopped the gatão on the sidewalk, suggested their dogs meet, and it was the beginning of a beautiful relationship. So get out there, be seductive, and take a look. Opportunity is probably knocking right under your nose.

Setting up the Carioca date: Rio offers many sophisticated restaurants and night clubs where you can drop a wad of bills and impress that special someone. On the other hand, by romancing Carioca style, your wallet will suffer less, and your new status as a

Carioca will remain intact. The following is a suggestion for that special night out on the town:

Arrange to pick up your date at 8:30 p.m.

Call her at 8:45 p.m. to verify that the date is still on.

Arrive at her building at 9:30 p.m. and take the elevator up to her apartment. Upon entering her front door, be sure to kiss her mother, her aunts, her sisters, and her grandmothers on both cheeks and to shake hands and pat backs with her father, her brothers, her uncles, and her grandfathers. Don’t forget to make contact with the maid, as she will ultimately have the final word on whether you are simpático (nice) or not.

Accept a cafezinho, then spend at least thirty minutes fazendo sala (making small talk) with her family. Acceptable topics for conversation are the weather (too hot), crime (the pivete who took off with your watch), interest rates (blame it on the dollar), and the latest episode of the novela das oito.

When the conversation gets slow, or the ten o’clock program begins on television, take your leave by kissing all the women on both cheeks, shaking the men’s hands and patting their backs, and stopping by the kitchen to compliment the maid on her excellent cafezinho before heading for the elevator.

Drive around baixo (lower) Leblon and Gavea, the areas with the greatest concentration of barzinhos, passing at least three times by each place to check out the crowd.

Settle at your favorite barzinho and order a portion of batata frita and a couple of chopps or caipirinhas. Be sure to sit next to each other and not across from each other. In this position you will both be able to appreciate the action and comment on everyone else, thus ensuring a constant flow of conversation (and avoiding those uncomfortable silences).

If by now all is going well and you want to spend some private time together, the true Carioca will take his date to:

• the back seat of his car by the parking lot at Joatinga beach,

• the back seat of his car by a kiosk on Barra beach, or

• a special suite at a motel.

Motels: If you think that motels are for families on the road or the drowsy traveler, guess again. Motels are for SEX. Due to the Cariocas’ crowded living conditions, the only place where you can really be alone and comfortable is a motel, and Rio has hundreds to choose from.

Get a special suite so you can have the option of enjoying the indoor and outdoor pools, the sauna, the hot tub, and a full course meal if the going gets slow. Even Cariocas aren’t made of steel!

Don’t worry about stopping at a pharmacy before heading for the motel. Brazil’s Lei da Camisinha (Little Shirt Law) makes it mandatory for all motels to distribute the necessary protection at the motel’s reception gate.

Privacy isn’t a problem either. Closed garages hide your license plate and hidden side entrances guarantee uninterrupted service. No need to rush off to Barra (where you’ll find the largest concentration of motels in the Zona Sul) if you should get the urge while at the office during lunchtime. Centro (downtown) offers a vertical motel where, in lieu of garages, your privacy is assured by the masks which are issued when registering in order to avoid those embarrassing and untimely encounters.

Saving good night: When it comes time to say good night, remember that Cariocas love to be romantic. It isn’t by chance that Vinicius de Moraes and Tom Jobim are Cariocas. So if while on your date you hear bells and your heart skips a beat, don’t be shy. Call her gatinha, tell her that she is the most gorgeous creature this side of heaven, and then set up that all important next date before kissing her good night. If your date turns out to be a baranga, tell her that she is the most gorgeous creature this side of heaven, and then kiss her good night saying:

«Te ligo. A gente se vê.» [tchee ’lee goo ah ’gen tche see ’veh]: «I’ll call you. See you around.»

A real Carioca NEVER passes up a challenge to seduce.

Staying in: If it’s the end of the month and the Carioca is feeling the pinch on his wallet, staying in and watching the tube with his date is always an option. But if you plan to stay in like a Carioca, it is essential you get informed by tuning into the eight o’clock news before putting that movie into the DVD player. The daily news topics will include:

• the CPI [ceh peh ’ее] (government corruption scandal) of the day

• the price increases of the day

• the new coach for the national soccer team

• the current Formula One news

• the leader of the current soccer championship, and

• the weather, which will be sunny and clear to partially cloudy; subject to rain (but maybe not).

Don’t put in that DVD yet! Following the news comes the backbone of national television, the novela das oito. The stars of these prime time soap operas are national idols, and a true Carioca will go to great lengths not to miss a single episode. Imagine a soap opera starring Brad Pitt and Madonna, and you might get the picture.

Consequently, every night of the week between 8:30 and 9:30 p.m., with the exception of Sundays, a real Carioca will never:

• schedule a date

• make a phone call

• eat dinner

• entertain

• go to the local store for milk

• stop off at the gas station

• drop in on someone

• feed the family pet

Note: The only exception to this rule is when the hour-long show, affectionately referred to as Quem Rouba Mais (Who Steals More), is aired simultaneously on every television station directly following the eight o’clock news. For months prior to elections, this enlightening program is generously sponsored by the various national political parties: namely the PCB, PC do B, PDT, PFL, PHS, PL, PMDB, PRTB, PSB, PSC, PSDB, PSDC, PSL, PT, PT do B, PTB, PTN, PV, etc.

NOW is the time for that DVD. And remember, before saying good night to your date, be sure to make the appropriate body contact with ALL of her relatives who have been sitting in front the tube with you.