How to Be a Carioca

Foreword by the Author

So, you’re flying down to Rio de Janeiro, right? Great! Being the sophisticated, self-confident traveler you are, you’ll have the time of your life in the capital of fun in the sun. But whether you’re flying in from New York, London, or anywhere else in the world, you won’t want to act like a fool or a bumbling yokel from some unsophisticated foreign land where you get here, or people will stare at you and call you «gringo.» Even worse, they might point and call you a tourist. Being the adventurous traveler you are, when in Rio, you’ll want to blend in with the locals. You’ll want to be a Carioca!

Whether you’re a tourist or a local, it’s no secret that all major cities have their problems. Recently, for example, while trying to hail a cab on a street corner in an obscure section of New York, a very friendly sort of fellow approached me and said, «Hey, d’ya wanna buy a watch?» Seeing as they were real nice looking timepieces, I said, «Sure!»

The next thing I knew, he and my wallet were hightailing it down some dark alley. Talk about feeling like a fool.

For some reason, though, in spite of all its glory and splendor, Rio seems to be getting the short end of the stick. To make my point, consider this story I heard awhile back.

Three men were in an airplane: a New Yorker, a Parisienne, and a Carioca. The New Yorker put his hand out the window of the plane and said, «Ah, we are flying over New York.»

The others asked, «How do you know?»

«I just touched the Statue of Liberty!»

A little while later the Parisienne put his hand out the window and sighed, «Ah, we are flying over Paris.»

The others asked, «How do you know?»

«I just touched zee Eiffel Tower!»

A little while later the Carioca put his hand out the window and said, «Ah, we are flying over Rio.»

The others asked, «How do you know?»

«Someone just stole my watch!»

Now a Carioca will be the first to laugh at himself, but this story is bad press in my book. Besides, I heard it from a Paulista — that’s a local from São Paulo, the sprawling megalopolis an hour away as the crow flies, where loosening up and having a good time means sitting in traffic wearing a suit while passing out business cards to the other motorists stuck in their cars.

Anyway, you are about to visit, or are visiting, the most beautiful city in the world — theCidade Maravilhosa (Marvelous City) — with its gorgeous beaches, breathtaking scenery, and above all, Cariocas, those stunning women and virile men who are lucky enough to reside in paradise. Which reminds me of a conversation between a Gaúcho — a local from Rio Grande do Sul — and a Carioca I overheard recently while having a few beers at a boteco, one of those charming little bars you find on most street corners in Rio. It went something like this.

«In the South,» began the Gaúcho, «they say that if there were a fight involving a Gaúcho, a Paulista, a Mineiro (a local from Minas Gerais), and a Carioca, the Gaúcho would fight, the Paulista would get beaten up, and the Mineiro would try to separate the two.»

«What about the Carioca?»

«He would have run away long before!»

I know it was in poor taste, but like I said, this one came from a Gaúcho, one of those Brazilian men from the South whose favorite pastime is sitting around sipping tea from a gourd while boasting about his machismo. No Carioca macho I know would sit around sipping tea, that’s for sure.

Well, you might be asking yourself by now, «Why do these otherwise worthy Brazilians feel the need to make stabbing jokes about the Carioca?» Well, that’s obvious. They are all jealous — and I mean really jealous. Who could blame them? Cariocas have it all. They are witty, well-informed, playful, great looking, friendly, and sincere. Why, meet any Carioca and he’ll say, «Aparece lá em casa» («Come around to my place»), even if he hardly knows you. To top it all, aside from having the wildest Carnaval, Rio is home to the best soccer teams in the world. Ask any Carioca, and he’ll agree with me on that.

So if you are visiting Rio, but don’t want to stick out like a pair of wing-tipped, lace-up shoes in a room full of rubber sandals, read How to Be a Carioca. Just a week or two of study and people will think you’ve lived in Rio all your life — and so will you. Soon you, too, will be feeling the joys of being a true Carioca. And remember, if you have any questions, don’t hesitate — «Aparece lá em casa.»