How to Be a Carioca

Every Carioca has a favorite futebol [foo tchee ’bol] (soccer) team. If you are a real Carioca, your team will be either Flamengo, Vasco, Botafogo, or Fluminense, and depending which one you choose, you will eternally be referred to as a Flamenguista, Vascaino, Botafoguense, or Tricolor [trree coh ’loh]. You will cherish your team second only to your mother and be more faithful to your team than to your own spouse. Consequently, once you have chosen your team you will despise the other three for as long as you live. If a team other than yours is playing a team from São Paulo, for example, in the finals of a national championship, you will simply ignore the entire event. Under all circumstances, a Carioca will only acknowledge the existence of his own team.

A real Carioca, come flood or famine, will never miss seeing his team play at Maracanã. Although it was a team from São Paulo who, by some fluke, won the inaugural game in 1950, the first goal was scored by a Carioca, thus confirming Cariocan supremacy on the field.

Going to Maracanã

Before leaving for the stadium, meet your galera de futebol (your soccer fan buddies) at a boteco for a few choppiuhos. Be sure that everyone is wearing a team shirt, and don’t forget your radinho [ha ’gee nyoo] (the cheapest radio available) and some sort of drum substitute, if not the real thing.

Whether taking the bus or driving (take the car least likely to be stolen), be sure to intimidate any rival fans along the way by waving flags, shirts, or banners out the window while chanting your team’s name. If you are a Flamenguista, for example, chant:

«Meeeeeeen-gooooooo, Meeeeeeen-gooooooo» [Maaaaaayn-goooooow, Maaaaaaavn-goooooow]

Make your way through the traffic and the crowds to the stadium. If you boast of a stomach lined with lead, stop at one of the «foot-long hot dog» stands before entering the stadium gate. And don’t forget the onion and tomato sauce!

Once inside the stadium, a real Carioca futebol fan will only sit in the arquibancada (bleachers) where chaos is at its maximum. Having located a place to sit and are settled, be sure to behave in the following fashion (a real Carioca futebol fan would):

Start a batucada by banging on your drums or on the seats surrounding your seat;

Drink chopps from the mobile vendors;

Demoralize the referee’s mother and the rest of his family;

Bounce your smashed chopp paper cup, as hard as you can, off the head of the person seated in front of you, then pretend it came from the seats behind yours;

Continuously chant your team’s name.

Obs.: Beware of cups filled with bodily fluids projected from the seats directly above yours.

Acceptable conduct during the game: If your team should score a goal, work yourself into a frenzy by jumping and screaming, and then hug the stranger jumping up and down next to you. Maintain this euphoria for a minimum of five minutes. Then continue to give your team incentive throughout the game by conducting yourself in the rowdiest manner possible.

In the unfortunate event the opposing team should score a goal against your team, your entire section of the arquibancada will fall into five minutes of stunned silence. At this point, resist the temptation to abandon the game. Simply lean over to the person seated closest to you and place the blame for your team’s poor performance on the following:

• the current political crisis,

• the trading of Brazil’s best players to European teams,

• the bicheiros, and, of course

• the coach. And be sure to let the coach know what you think of him by chanting:

«viado viado viado» [vee ’yah doo vee ’yah doo vee ’yah doo]

It goes without being said that he should be fired on the spot, and then be sent to São Paulo as a trainer for one of the Paulista teams.

2x0 [doysh ah ’zeh rroo]: In the event your team is clearly headed for disaster, take off your shirt, slip out the side door quietly in order to avoid the traffic, and take an alternative route to the nearest boteco for a few chopps. There is nothing more humiliating for a defeated Carioca futebol fan than to be jeered and mocked in Maracanã traffic by the triumphant fans of the winning team.

If your team is victorious, wrap yourself up in your flag, take advantage of every opportunity to jeer and mock the defeated fans, and head straight to the nearest boteco for a few chopps.