Mockingbird

CHAPTER 12 CLOSURE

I WAIT ALL MORNING FOR MY MRS. Brook time. I run-walk to her room because of No Running In The Halls. I push the door open without even knocking and ask, How do I get to the state of experiencing an emotional conclusion to a difficult life event?

She stands up from the round table. What do you mean?

Closure, I say. I’m talking about Closure. How do I find it?

Sit down Caitlin. Is this… are you talking about the news? The boy from the shooting?

I nod about a hundred times because she is a little slow Getting It today.

This is very stressful for our entire community. We’re all looking for Closure.

I Look At The Person. But she’s not answering my question.

Come sit down.

I’m still standing.

Okay, says Mrs. Brook, I’ll sit. She puts her hands in front of her on the table and clasps them together. She takes a deep breath and lets it out. Slowly. She closes her eyes.

Is she praying? This isn’t church, I remind her.

I know. I’m thinking. She scratches the part in her hair then puts her hands together again. Sometimes the process of a funeral and burial and doing things like putting wreaths on grave sites help give Closure.

Devon was cremated so that will not work for me.

Some people go to church.

It’s not Sunday, I point out.

I mean on Sundays do you and your father go to church?

I shrug. We used to go to one with the Boy Scouts but not anymore. Now we just drive past it.

Church might be helpful. Or seeing a counselor.

I Look At The Person. You’re a counselor. I see you.

I know but your dad might like to go see a counselor too.

Can he come see you about Closure?

Sometimes we can do that but I’m really here to help the students. But talking can help both of you a lot, she says. Talking about your feelings.

That will not work for me. I don’t like Let’s Talk About It.

Now Caitlin —

Is there anything else?

Well if nothing else, Mrs. Brook says, time helps.

But I didn’t ask if there was nothing else. I asked if there was anything else. I start shaking my hands because the world is spinning and if I shake my hands faster than the rest of the world then the world’s spinning doesn’t seem so fast. Devon says it makes no sense but it makes sense to me.

It’s something you have to find for yourself because everyone is different. We all have to find our own special way.

I thought I was the one who was special and everyone else was normal. I almost ask her what normal people do but I suppose that would not work for me anyway. That doesn’t help.

She touches my shaking hand and I pull it away. Something will come to you Caitlin, she says. There’s a solution out there with your name written on it.

I look around her room for my name.

I’m sorry, she says, I don’t mean that your name will actually be written on anything. But you’ll think of something.

I give a big sigh and say, Fine. I will figure it out myself.

But I have no clue how.

We walk together on the playground and Mrs. Brook talks but I can’t hear her. I’m thinking too hard about Closure. When the bell rings I stand there sucking my sleeve until I remember I have a maybe friend and I go find Michael. He’s on the jungle gym but comes over to me when I do our wave.

Hi Caitlin.

Do you know how to get to the state of experiencing an emotional conclusion to a difficult life event?

What?

Closure. Do you know how to get there?

No. But I’ll ask my dad. He’s good at finding stuff.

Really? My dad isn’t. Is your dad extra smart or something?

He shrugs. I don’t know. He seems extra happy.

You’re lucky. My dad’s sad all the time.

Michael shakes his head. I don’t feel lucky. I feel bad because I’m not happy all the time like he is. Like I’m supposed to be. He always wants to do something like throw a football or play Frisbee or go bowling and sometimes I just don’t want to do that stuff because I’m sad.

Maybe my dad and your dad should get together and become normal.

Maybe.

So will you ask him?

Ask him what?

About Closure?

That’s a hard word.

It’s like closing. Only it’s Closure.

Okay. I’ll ask him.

Thank you. I smile. That’s MY manners. And that reminds me. Here are YOUR stickers. They’re of the planets. Some of them glow in the dark.

He looks at the stickers. Whoa. I LOVE these! Thank you Caitlin!

You’re welcome.

When Dad drives me home from school I look at the sign in front of the church we used to go to. It says, OUR HEARTS are still with the families of Julianne, Devon and Roberta. Except OUR HEARTS couldn’t do anything to save Devon’s Heart. Maybe that’s why Dad drives past.

I need to figure out Closure.