Mockingbird

CHAPTER 7 GROUPS

MRS. JOHNSON FINISHES EX-MRS. JOHNSON FINISHES EX — plaining our group project which can be about any animal we choose. She asks us to give her some choices and writes them on the board.

I choose the Heart.

Her marker squeaks to a halt on the whiteboard. I see, she says, turning slowly to Look At The Person. Of what animal?

I don’t care. As long as it’s human. I’m really good at drawing the human Heart now.

The class laughs.

She sighs. I want you to write about an animal. How about a panda?

I shake my head. Can’t she see I’m already drawing a Heart in my notebook?

Another animal?

I shake my head again.

Well. Think about it. Maybe you’ll come up with some animals that’ll interest you.

After she writes a bunch more animals on the board she says to break into groups. Everyone moves except me. Mrs. Johnson stands in front of my desk. Would you like help finding a group?

I have a group.

Who’s in your group?

Me.

Who else?

Nobody. I’m my own group.

Someone laughs.

I’d like you to be in a real group. How about joining Emma and Brianna?

No.

More kids laugh.

Mrs. Johnson narrows her eyes and mouth at them but turns back to me. Excuse me?

No Thank You. That’s another sticker for my YOUR MANNERS chart.

Everyone laughs now.

Mrs. Johnson takes a big breath and lets it out. I want you to be part of a group.

I stare at her hands.

Do you understand?

Yes. I understand what she wants but I also know what I want.

So will you come over and join them now?

She doesn’t understand. I shake my head. No.

Why not?

I sigh and try to explain it so she’ll Get It. I know that’s what you want but it’s not what I want.

Hi, says Mrs. Brook, you’re early.

I know. I told Mrs. Johnson that but she said it was time to see you NOW. She’s having trouble Getting It today.

Oh. Let’s Talk About It.

I explain about the group project.

Caitlin. When a teacher says she wants you to do something that means you should do it. It’s the same as saying you have to do it.

Well why didn’t she say that?

It’s a nice way of saying it.

No it’s not. It’s a confusing way of saying it. And she should say PLEASE if she’s trying to be nice.

Would that have helped? If she’d said please?

Maybe. Should I share that with her?

Why don’t you let me talk with her instead. And why don’t you want to do a group project with some of the girls?

I can do a better group project by my own self.

I’m sure you can do a wonderful project but there’s value in working with a group.

What’s the value?

Making friends.

I already have friends.

Tell me about your friends.

My Dictionary. TV. Computer.

Mrs. Brook shakes her head. I’m talking about people and learning how to get along with others.

I know how. I leave them alone.

Not that way.

But that’s what they always tell me — Leave me alone. Caitlin go away — so I’m listening. And I’m doing what they asked so I’m being nice.

Mrs. Brook’s head drops down and she squeezes her hands into fists. It can be difficult but I’m going to help you. She Looks At The Person. Let’s think about the children in your class.

I stare at the Facial Expressions Chart. I start stuffed-animaling it.

Are you thinking?

I already did.

Who did you think of?

I’m thinking of people who smile a lot. That’s supposed to mean happy and nice and friendly. And which people have mad faces or cry a lot because that means they’re sad. Or mad. Or scared.

Or sometimes even happy and just feeling emotional, Mrs. Brook says.

See! That’s why emotions are evil and I hate them! Especially crying. I don’t Get It.

Laughing is easier to figure out, she says. It usually shows that you’re happy.

Not always. Sometimes it shows that you’re being mean.

That’s true — if someone is teasing or making fun of someone.

WHEN, I tell her, not if.

She sighs. I suppose it’s just as hard to figure out emotions from laughing too.

Now I’m thinking about Josh.

Mrs. Brook does her turtle head jerk. Oh? Do you… like him?

No.

Let’s try to pick someone you like and we’ll work on a friendship with that person. That’s the first thing to think about.

Oh. You didn’t say that.

Who do you like?

I don’t know.

Think hard.

Miss Harper.

Miss Harper?

Yes. She’s the princiPAL. Get It? She’s everyone’s pal.

Yes okay but I’m thinking of someone your age.

Who are you thinking of?

No one in particular. I’d like you to think of someone.

I don’t like this game. I give up so why don’t you just tell me?

Well — how about Emma?

Emma?

Yes. She’s very outgoing.

I don’t like very outgoing. Or efFUSive. Or EXtroverted. Or greGARious. Or any of those words that mean their loudness fills up my ears and hurts and their face and waving arms invade my Personal Space and their constant talking sucks all the air out of the room until I think I’m going to choke.

It’s easier to talk with people who are outgoing. Just think about it.

This is what I’m thinking: Mrs. Brook does not Get It.

You’re a very special person Caitlin. I think you’ll be a wonderful friend.

Okay maybe she does Get It. I’m the one who doesn’t. She lets me look up friend in her Dictionary. It says: somebody emotionally close.

There’s that evil word again. Emotionally. That is not one of my strengths.

But you can develop that strength.

I look away and suck on my sleeve. I’m not ready to develop that strength just yet.

Mrs. Brook seems to Get It. She sighs and says she’ll talk with Mrs. Johnson and maybe this time I can be my own group because there’s a lot going on in my life right now but soon I’ll have to join the group.

I don’t like the word soon because you don’t know when it’s going to sneak up on you and turn into NOW. Or maybe it’ll be the kind of soon that never happens. Like when I asked Dad and Devon when the chest would be finished. They said soon.