Mockingbird

CHAPTER 35 MONKEY BARS

ON MONDAY WE HAVE A FIRE drill which means first recess is late so they get to stay out for part of second recess. I don’t like that many kids at once. That many kids can only lead to problems which is exactly what happens. Mrs. Brook has to take three boys inside who get in a big fight.

I look around for Michael. I still feel warm and fuzzy because I’m his big sister. I’ll take care of him just like Devon always took care of me. Scout’s honor.

And then I see Michael and my hands start shaking.

He is on the monkey bars.

He is screaming.

And Josh is pulling on his legs.

NOOOOOOOO! I run all the way to the monkey bars and I HIT Josh hard and yell, LET GO OF HIM! LEAVE HIM ALONE! DON’T TOUCH HIM! YOU’RE EVIL!

Stop hitting me you freak! Josh yells.

But I have to keep hitting him because he won’t let go of Michael.

Stop! Stop! Michael says. And don’t call my friend a freak!

I’m helping him stay up, Josh says as I try to pry his hands off of Michael.

No you’re not! I say. You’re evil Evil EVIL!

Stop it or I’ll fall! Michael screams.

Josh lets go. You idiot! he says to me.

Don’t say that! Michael shouts.

Josh’s face is red. Can’t you see I’m trying to help?

You’re evil! I say.

Help! I’m going to fall! Michael screams. Somebody catch me!

Josh steps under Michael before I can stop him and I watch as Michael falls into his arms diagonally and Josh puts him upright and sets him carefully on the ground.

Josh looks at Michael then at me. His face is swollen and his voice cracks even though he only has one word to say. See?

Josh was helping me, Michael says.

Oh, I say.

No kidding? somebody asks.

I look around and there are a bunch of kids around the monkey bars now staring at Josh. I think Josh has just noticed them too. He steps back from the crowd.

Why does everyone think I’m bad? Josh’s voice is a whisper.

I don’t, Michael says, but his voice is covered up by the crowd talking.

Because you are, a boy says LOUD. Duh!

You’re mean, someone else says.

Yeah Josh, a voice shouts. It runs in your family.

Ooooh, a lot of people say.

I’m not like my cousin! Josh shouts. It’s not fair! Everyone blames me! He looks at the crowd.

They do? I say.

Yes! Everyone hates me because he killed those people. YOU hate me because of that!

I shake my head. No. I hate you because you’re mean to people. Except I guess you’re nice to Michael. I wish you’d make up your mind and be mean or be nice. Then I’d know how to feel.

I’m mean to people because they’re mean to me!

Oh. Well maybe if you’re nice to people they’ll be nice to you, I tell him.

Michael pulls Josh’s sleeve. I like you Josh. You read to me and you give me high fives and you stopped Avery when he was pushing me and you helped me up on the monkey bars and you promised you wouldn’t let me fall and you didn’t. You caught me Josh.

I don’t know why this is a reason to cry but Josh drops on his knees and covers his face. I can hear him crying behind his hands though.

The crowd is quiet now. Nobody says anything.

Michael kneels down next to Josh and pats his back. Caitlin thought you were trying to hurt me because sometimes you pull people off the monkey bars.

Josh is still sobbing. He stretches his hands so his palms cover his eyes and his fingers are covering the top of his head. It looks like he’s trying to cover his whole head but it’s not working. I watch him and I wonder if he wants a fleece or a sofa cushion to cover him up. That’s what I want when I feel bad.

Michael looks up at me with his Bambi eyes. In them I see sadness and I think it’s fear or maybe it’s confusion. I also see friendship. And I think there’s a look that means I need to do something to help. To answer the question. I think it’s the look I gave Devon. A lot.

So I kneel down on the other side of Josh and pat his back too and tell him it’s okay the same way Devon used to tell me and Dad still tells me. The way that I can really believe it. And if this is empathy I hope Josh can feel some of the empathy that’s starting to come out of me.