Mockingbird

CHAPTER 38 I GET IT

CLOSURE WASN’T SUPPOSED TO feel sad like this.

That night after Dad goes to bed I stay up and stare at the finished chest. Even though it’s finished there’s still something missing and I have to Work At It to figure out what it is. I think Dad is mostly happy that it’s completed and beautiful. I’m mostly happy too. But the chest isn’t helping Michael or the people of the middle school that’s getting a new name this summer or the rest of the whole entire community. I have to figure that out because that’s part of empathy. Even though I didn’t think I’d like empathy it kind of creeps up on you and makes you feel all warm and glowy inside. I don’t think I want to go back to life without empathy.

I put my head under the sofa cushion and stare at the chest so I can think of an answer but instead I think of Devon and I wish he were here so he could tell me the answer and I think about how he can never tell me anything or do anything again — not ride his bike or play baseball or watch To Kill a Mockingbird or be an Eagle Scout.

I hear the crying and then I see Dad’s hand reaching under the sofa cushion and pushing the wet hair out of my eyes. But I can’t stop crying. For Devon. Because of what happened to Devon. Because his life got taken away and he can’t do anything and he can’t be happy or proud or live or love — and all of a sudden my gulp-crying turns into gulp-laughing because I realize something.

Dad-oh! Dad! Oh Dad! I cry.

What is it Caitlin?

Devon, I cry, Devon.

I know. It hurts. You miss him. I miss him.

No, I say, Devon!

I know, he says.

But I’m not crying for ME! I pull my head out from under the sofa cushion and Look At The Person. I’m crying for Devon! I’m crying because I feel bad for HIM! Isn’t that empathy? I’m feeling for HIM instead of me!

Dad smiles even though he has crying eyes. Yes, he says, yes. Now you know what it’s like to feel for other people.

He hugs me and we sit together for a long time on the sofa. Empathy isn’t as hard as it sounds because people have a lot of the same feelings. And it helps to understand other people because then you can actually care about them sometimes. And help them. And have a friend. Like Michael. And do something for them and make them feel as good as you’re feeling.

I look over at Devon’s chest and it makes me feel good. We did a great job on it, I say, didn’t we Dad?

Yes we did.

We made something good and strong and beautiful.

He nods. We sure did. Devon would be very proud.

I nod too. I think about Devon and how he would show it to all the Scouts and tell everyone how we made it and how we used it to find Closure. And when I’m staring at the Mockingbird and seeing her mouth looking up like she’s telling the whole world something THAT’S when I feel my mouth turn into a grin and my hands start shaking so hard I have to leap off the sofa and jump around the room because just shaking my hands isn’t enough for all the excitement because I finally Get It! I Get It! I GET IT!