Mockingbird

CHAPTER 30 FRIENDS

OKAY, I TELL MRS. BROOK, NOW it’s soon. I’m ready.

For what?

She doesn’t Get It. The whole friendship thing. It’s time now.

Oh Caitlin! Mrs. Brook claps. I’m delighted! What changed your mind?

Dad is working on the chest. It’s hard for him. He really has to Work At It. If he can do it then I guess I can too. And also… maybe it really will help me get to Closure. The chest alone does not seem to be working.

I’m so proud of you!

I know.

I think you’re really going to like this.

I shake my head. I don’t think I’m going to like it at all. I think it’s going to hurt. But after the hurt I think maybe something good and strong and beautiful will come out of it. Just like Dad said about the chest.

Mrs. Brook smiles so wide she has two rows of dimples. Her cheeks puff up and her eyes squish and water comes out of them and her face looks a little bit like a sponge.

At reading buddies time I manage not to scare my buddy. I keep my voice down. And I smile. Sometimes. I think it’s a good start.

I do the special wave to Michael across the room. I think he grins even more than when Josh high-fives him which makes me feel very happy about how good I am at friendship.

In the cafeteria I sit down next to Laura who is very pretty and very popular. I think she should be my friend.

What are you doing? Laura asks.

Sitting next to you.

Why?

Because I want you to be my friend.

Laura looks at the people around her. They are all giggling and holding their trays but not sitting down. These are the girls who usually sit at Laura’s table.

You can sit down, I tell them.

They look at each other and laugh or roll their eyes.

You’re sitting where Anna sits, Laura says.

Oh, I say. It’s nice of her to tell me because I honestly don’t remember where every one of them sits. I take a bite of my cheese sandwich.

So move, Laura says. Her eyes are getting squishy and narrow.

I Look At The Person. Where do you want me to sit?

At a different table.

I take my tray and go to the table where I normally sit. Okay. That did not work. I can try someone else. But first I eat my sandwich because I’m hungry.

When I finish both halves I notice Mia at the next table. She is not as pretty and not as popular as Laura but she could still be a good friend.

I go over to her and say, Hi.

Then I go back to my table and drink my juice box.

When I’m done I go say, How are you? to Mia because that’s being polite.

O-kaaay, she says slowly.

I go back and sit down. Then I realize maybe she’s not okay because her okay sounded kind of weird.

I go back to her. Hi.

She stares at me. So do Emma and some other girls who are with her. What do you want? Mia asks.

I want you to be my friend.

Like for today?

No. Forever.

I–I don’t really know you.

That’s okay. I can tell you what you need to know.

Um… I really just want to be alone. Mia starts giggling.

Emma frowns at her. Mi-a! she says in Dad’s warning voice.

I can still Work At being a friend though because all through lunch people keep coming up to Mia and bothering her. Every single time I go and tell those people, Leave Mia alone. She wants to be alone today.

Mia gets mad every time I have to say it. It doesn’t make me mad though. I don’t mind. I’m a good helper. And a good friend.

Finally Mia yells at me except I’m so surprised she’s yelling at me that I don’t even know what she says.

Emma comes into my Personal Space. Caitlin. Um. Listen. You’re really annoying Mia. You have to stop telling people to leave her alone.

But she wants to be alone. She said so. I’m HELPING her.

Emma sighs. You don’t Get It. Mia doesn’t really want everyone to leave her alone.

Then why did she say that?

I guess she didn’t want to hurt your feelings.

Why would that hurt my feelings?

Emma sighs again. She wants YOU to leave her alone. Only you.

Why?

Emma looks at the floor. Well… because… she thinks you’re… different.

I think Emma is the one who doesn’t Get It.

When we’re in music Rachel throws up so Emma takes her to the school nurse. The teacher is busy trying to get someone to clean up the puke and everyone is saying, Ew! P-U! so I go over to Mia and ask her, Why do you want me to leave you alone?

Mia and the girls around her giggle. Okay. Um. Because you’re… special.

Thank you, I say.

More giggles.

I mean, Mia says, you’re the kind of special that’s a little weird.

Weird?

Mia crosses her arms and breathes out LOUD. Your behavior? You know?

What do you mean? I ask.

She rolls her eyes. Your behavior is… well… disturbing.

Disturbing? My behavior is disturbing? The school shooter’s behavior was disturbing. I start shaking my hands because that word is too scary and I can barely breathe.

She looks at my hands that are shaking faster and faster. Yes. Disturbing.

I am NOT disturbing!

You’re disturbing us right now, one of the girls says. The rest of them start laughing.

Guys, guys! another girl says. Stop it! Stop laughing! She’s autistic. Like William H.

My hands are shaking really fast now. I am NOT autistic!

Some of the girls laugh.

William doesn’t talk. Can you HEAR ME TALKING?

Okay but —

William eats DIRT and SCREAMS when he gets mad! I AM NOT AUTISTIC! I am breathing hard and I want to jump out of my skin but I grit my teeth and shake my hands harder and turn and run away and I hear screaming and I don’t know if it’s music class or Mia or me.

I am sitting in Mrs. Brook’s room staring at the table. I thought special was good, I mutter.

We’re all special in different ways, she says. Special IS good.

Not if it’s disturbing. How come she called me disturbing? And guess what? She disturbs me!

I can feel Mrs. Brook nodding even though I don’t Look At The Person.

Besides, I tell her, I’m NOT autistic. William H. is autistic.

Caitlin, she says. Did you know that William is very good at soccer? And that he can play the piano? And that he’s my friend?

No. I knew that he had Mrs. Brook time but I didn’t know they were friends.

I like William, Mrs. Brook says. And I can’t play the piano at all or play soccer. We all have different talents —

I know, I say.

But Mrs. Brook talks right on top of my words — and just because we’re better at some things than William doesn’t mean we’re any better than he is.

I didn’t say that.

But it sounds like that’s what you meant.

I nod and sigh. It is what I meant.

Do you see how it’s not fair for you to —

Yes, I say. It’s my turn to talk on top of her words now. I Get It. William H. even remembers to smile a lot more than I do so there are several things he’s better at than me. I sigh again. But I’m still not like him. Not exactly. I Look At The Person. Am I?

We all fall on the spectrum of behavior somewhere. She puts one hand on one side of the table and her other grips the far side. Here’s the spectrum, she says. It’s a line and we’re all on it. Some of us are farther along the line than others.

I know from art class that a spectrum is all the colors of the rainbow. It’s more like a prism than a line. Or maybe a fat line with lots of colors. I don’t like the way colors blur together in art. How do you know where one ends and the other begins? I have to know exactly where I am in space. That’s why I draw in black and white.

Mrs. Brook picks up one hand and runs a finger almost all the way to the end of the table. You’re around here. Very high functioning. Very smart. Very capable.

William H. is on the other side, I say.

William is farther along the line. Yes.

I grip the edges of the table like Mrs. Brook and squinch my eyes at the tabletop and wonder which spot EXACTLY is me. I don’t want to run into anyone else. You just don’t know what might happen.

Are you feeling better now Caitlin?

I think I’ll skip the friend thing.

You should be very proud of yourself for trying so hard today. Remember that everyone can find a friend. She is still gripping the edges of the table. So hard that her knuckles are pale. And obviously we need to work on friendship skills in the fifth grade as a whole. These girls need some educating.

They need to learn some finesse too, I say.

Mrs. Brook nods. Yes. And some better friendship skills.

I know it. They will never make friends that way.