Mockingbird

CHAPTER 18 A PLAN FOR HEALING

MICHAEL IS RIGHT. WE ARE DOING reading buddies. When my class walks into the library Michael’s class is already sitting in a circle on the floor crisscross-applesauce. We open and close our hands three times to each other. It’s our special wave. He’s grinning so much it reminds me to smile.

Mrs. Brook is there too and she’s also smiling. Hi Caitlin.

I start shaking my hands. It’s not Mrs. Brook time yet. I have to read to Michael.

Her smile goes away too. Actually we’re pairing Michael and Josh up.

I Look At The Person. Why? He’s evil!

Josh stands up and stares at me. He blinks fast and sits down again.

Shhh! Caitlin! Mrs. Brook whispers. That’s not nice.

I wasn’t talking about Michael, I tell her.

I realize that. She is still whispering.

You are making a mistake.

We’re… She smiles. We’re working on Closure here.

I look around the room. Where is it? Because that’s what I’m working on and I’d like to see it.

She takes me out into the hall and explains that Josh is going through a lot right now too just like Michael and me. And that Josh needs to see that not everyone’s mad at him and Michael needs to see that Josh can be a very nice boy. I call it a Plan for Healing, she says.

I Look At The Person. A Plan for Healing is a stupid plan because Josh cannot be a very nice boy. Haven’t you seen him push people off the monkey bars? Do you know what he says to people?

I do. And none of that is okay. But he has been getting counseling too and we’re working through his hurt so he can get to Closure.

What about ME? I’M the one who wants Closure!

Part of your Plan for Healing is to make friends. Right?

I AM making friends and now you’re giving him to Josh!

You can both be friends with the same person.

She doesn’t Get It. Michael is MY friend. I want to be the one who reads to him!

You can read to him during recess or other times but for our once-a-week reading buddies it’s going to be Josh and Michael.

The rest of the stupid reading buddies time is a blur. I know I read really LOUD so Michael can hear me reading to HIM even though I am at the other end of the library. I know that the stupid little girl I’m reading to starts crying because she says I’m yelling at her which I’m not. If the book says STOP! then that’s how you should read it. Especially if Michael is sitting next to Josh and especially if Josh is giving Michael a high five and ESPECIALLY if Michael and Josh are giggling together. And I know Mrs. Brook takes me out of the library early but not before I see Michael looking at me with his big Bambi eyes and giving me our special wave.

At home I go to my hidey-hole in Devon’s room. I take his piece of notebook paper with me. The one that says EAGLE SCOUT PROJECT. The one with the list of supplies for his chest. The one that says he’s going to teach me. I stare at the list trying to find Closure. I keep hoping that somehow the Devon-ness of the list will give me the answer but it doesn’t.

I look up at Devon’s carving of SCOUT and wonder if I can still be Scout if the person who called me Scout is now gone. I still want to be Scout for him. Devon said, If you want to be a Scout you have to Work At It. I know he was talking about Boy Scouts and Eagle Scouts but he also said that about anything I had to do. You have to Work At It Scout. I KNOW, I told him because he said it a lot lot lot and sometimes I don’t want to hear the same thing over and over and over. Especially if it’s hard. And Work At It is VERY hard. I Work At It ALL the time. My whole day is Work At It. Sometimes I don’t want to Work At It anymore. Like when I FINALLY get my own friend and then Mrs. Brook TAKES HIM AWAY FROM ME! It’s just — too — HARD! It’s — NOT — FAIR!

I hear Dad calling my name but I don’t want to come out of my hidey-hole. I’m busy stuffed-animaling the carving of SCOUT. It’s warm and soft and quiet and safe in here. And I don’t have to Work At It. I’m thinking about staying here. Living here. Forever.

Finally when Dad says, Answer me please Caitlin! I answer because he asked nicely.

The door opens. Caitlin? His voice sounds funny. Are you in here?

I’m under the dresser.

What are you doing in here?

Thinking.

Thinking about what?

Thinking I’m going to stay here and make this my room now.

Oh? Why?

It was always supposed to be mine. I asked Devon if I could have it.

He’s quiet for a minute. Then he takes a deep breath. When Devon was gone to college.

He IS gone.

I hear the squishy breathy sound of Devon’s mattress squishing. But… he’s not just gone to college. He’s gone… forever.

I don’t tell Dad that I didn’t ask Devon if I could have his room when he was gone. I asked him a different way.

And Devon said it was a weird way and I shouldn’t say it like that and I asked why.

He said people would get upset.

I don’t want Dad to get upset.

So I don’t say what I really said: Can I have your room when you’re dead?

I think maybe I understand what Devon meant. Because now I have a recess feeling in my stomach.

I slide out from my hidey-hole and crawl past Dad’s shoes to my room. I get a clean piece of paper and make a sign. It says, Devon’s Room, and I draw Devon’s eyes in the top left corner. In the top right corner I draw his mouth with his lips curled up to show he’s happy. I draw his crooked nose in the bottom left corner. His chest is in the bottom right corner. It’s still not finished. And I guess it never will be.