Can't Wait to Get to Heaven

Norma’s Lady Minister

After Irene Goodnight had a good cry over Elner, she pulled herself together and called Neva and ordered her flowers and then wondered what she could do to help Norma. She would be so upset, she was going to need all the help and support she could get. Irene would start fixing some food, to take over to their house. Maybe some baked chicken, a green bean casserole, macaroni and cheese, and a Bundt cake. No onions or bell peppers. Nothing too spicy. When you are upset, you need bland and simple cream-based food. Before she went to the kitchen to start preparing, she decided to call Reverend Susie Hill, Norma’s lady minister over at the Unity Church, and alert her.

She dialed her home number.

“Hello?”

“Susie, it’s Irene Goodnight.”

“Well, hello, how are you?”

“Just fine, but I’m afraid I’m calling with some bad news. Elner Shimfissle just died, so I wanted to let you know.”

“Oh no!” said a surprised Susie. “What happened?”

“Wasps got her, knocked her clean out of her tree. Norma and Macky are up in Kansas City at the Caraway Hospital right now, so you might want to call or something.”

“Oh, of course…yes…thank you for letting me know.”

Susie put the phone down, and felt terrible. Not only was Norma a member of her congregation, she was also a good friend. When she had first moved to town, she had met Norma at Weight Watchers and had liked her immediately. Norma was such a lovely woman, a classy woman, really, always so beautifully and tastefully dressed. Susie had been so pleased when Norma had started coming to her church; even though she was Norma’s minister, it was Norma she confided in, and asked for her help and advice about many things. Norma had helped her decorate her small town home, and had sent her husband, Macky, over to fix her pipes in the bathroom. But right now she knew poor Norma must be devastated. Norma had worried so much about Elner and had even brought her to church with her several times, and she had been a delight, so full of life, so full of fun, even at her age. That first day at church Mrs. Shimfissle had hugged her and said, “I’m just tickled to death, I lived to see a real lady minister in the flesh, and you’re so cute too.” Susie was newly ordained and had not had much experience with death as of yet, but it was now her duty as Norma’s minister and friend to try to comfort Norma in her time of loss.

Susie had worked long and hard to get to where she was finally able to help other people; she had struggled through a long agonizing period of ten and a half years, losing around a hundred and ten pounds, going from a size eighteen down to a size eight. And it had not been easy. She had tried every diet, from Pritikin to Atkins, from low fat to high fat and back again, but she had never been able to keep it off for more than a few months. Her last stop had been Overeaters Anonymous, and along with Weight Watchers, and praying every day, it had worked so far. Her sponsor in Overeaters Anonymous had told her to stay away from trans fats, walk every day, and pray like a son of a bitch, which she did, but it had still been a daily battle.

She had become a Christian Scientist for a while, had studied Buddhism, Hinduism, the Kabala, Catholicism, Scientology, read the Book of Miracles; studied and searched and prayed to just about anybody and everybody at one time or another, but somewhere along the line, something had happened. In September of 1998 while attending a “Silent Retreat” week at Unity Village outside of Kansas City, she had received a calling to become a Unity minister, and the little Unity Church in Elmwood Springs was her first congregation. So far they had over fifty members. Few people who saw the five-foot-four minister would have believed by looking at her that there was a huge, fat woman sitting inside her, who at the slightest sign of stress was ready to run to the nearest International House of Pancakes. She had to be careful. Death was a stress-producing situation, and the thought of having to deal with seeing Norma’s poor old Aunt Elner dead in her coffin made her want to eat an entire coconut cake. But she would have a glass of water and a protein bar instead, then she would get dressed, suit up, and show up for Norma.