Can't Wait to Get to Heaven

Chatting with Raymond

As soon as Dorothy left the room to take the cake out of the oven, Raymond waited for a second, then asked, “Do you mind if I smoke?”

“No, not at all,” said Elner, “go right ahead.”

He grinned as he pulled out his pipe and a can of Prince Albert tobacco from the back of the drawer, and said, “This is one of those ‘What Dorothy doesn’t know won’t hurt her’ things. OK?”

“OK,” she said. “My lips are sealed.”

After he lit his pipe, he sat back and said, “Elner, I know you’re supposed to be asking the questions, but would you mind if I asked you a few things?”

“Sure, as long as they are not too hard.”

“You know,” he said, blowing out a long puff of smoke, “we really admired the way you handled your life, even during the Depression, never a complaint. I’m curious, what would you say was your philosophy of life?”

Elner laughed. “Philosophy? Oh, Raymond, I’m not smart enough to have a philosophy, I guess I just tried to do my best and get along with other people, that’s all.”

He nodded at her and said, “Well, that’s enough, I can’t ask for more than that.” He then leaned in and said, “Confidentially, Elner, just between you and me, and feel free to be perfectly candid, what do you think about people?”

“Me?”

“Yes,” he said, looking at her intently. “I’d really like your opinion.”

“Well, Raymond, personally, I always liked them. They just tickled me to death with all their funny little ways.”

“Like what?”

“Oh, I don’t know, I guess the way they all have their little routines, get themselves dressed up in some of those crazy rigs they put on, get their hair all fixed and get so puffed up, I don’t know why, but I always thought they were kind of funny. I’ve been sitting on my porch for years, watching them go by, running here, running there, and watching people has been better than a picture show, and I’m not saying this just because you made them, but really, with only a few exceptions, I never met one I didn’t like, but now, Raymond,” Elner said, looking over at him, “what do you think about people? It’s your opinion that really counts, not mine.”

He was a little taken aback. “Me? Oh, well,” he said. “Hmmm…let’s see…” He sat there for a while seriously contemplating the question, took a few drags off his pipe, and then said, “The God’s honest truth, Elner? And being as objective as I can be…under the circumstances.”

“Of course.”

He smiled. “I’m just crazy about them, each and every one.”

“Ahhh…and what is it about them you like?” she asked.

“Oh, everything,” he said with a faraway look in his eye. “How hard they try, how they just keep going no matter what…and brave? Why, those crazy fools will run into burning buildings or jump into rivers, just to save a complete stranger! Did you know that?”

“Oh, yes, I’ve read about it.”

He continued, “And smart? Imagine, they figured out how to get all the way to the moon! And I’m constantly amazed at all the hundreds of little things they do for one another, even when they think no one is watching…. Of course, they still have along way to go, but oh boy, when they all finally evolve into who they are supposed to be, it’s going to be just great!”

Elner asked, “How much longer do you figure we have to go? You don’t think we are going to blow ourselves up before we get there, do you?”

“No. I don’t.”

“Well, I hope you’re right.”

“Oh, I am, no doubt about it.”

“That’s good news. So let me ask you this, then. Of all the humans that ever lived, who was your favorite so far?”

“Let’s see, not counting the ones coming in the future.” He said as he nodded over to the wall with the pictures of little babies on it, “Hard to say, they are all special…teachers…visiting nurses…firemen—excuse me, firepersons now—but I was particularly fond of the U.S. women’s soccer team, weren’t they something? But really, Elner, I have no favorites, they are all different and unique in some—”

Suddenly Raymond’s cell phone rang and played Elner’s favorite hymn, “Can’t Wait to Get to Heaven.” He put on his glasses and looked at the readout, and said, “Pardon me just a second, I need to get this,” and picked up.

“Hello,” he said, and then Raymond looked over at Elner and smiled and winked at her. “Yes, she sure is. She’s sitting right here with me as we speak…. Well, come on, then.” He hung up and smiled at her. “That was an admirer of yours who wants to stop by in a minute and meet you…. Now, where were we? Do you have another question?”

“Oh, well, it’s not that I’m not having a good time visiting with you, but I was wondering when we were going to get to the judgment part? I’m kind of anxious to get that over with.”

“The what part?” asked Raymond.

“Judgment? Don’t I have to account for my sins or something before I move on?”

He laughed. “Oh good Lord, no, you’re not here to be judged.”

“I’m not?”

“No. You’re human, for heaven’s sake; everybody makes mistakes, even me, and besides, mistakes happen for a reason. Hopefully you can learn from them.”

Elner asked tentatively, “Then, you’re not mad at me over the Ex-Lax candy thing?”

Raymond laughed again. “Nooo, I thought it was pretty funny myself, but that’s a perfect example. If you hadn’t done it, then felt bad about it later, you never would have gotten to know Luther Griggs.”

“I did feel bad about it. Imagine me, trying to get revenge on an eight-year-old boy for throwing rocks at my cat.”

“Yes, but if you hadn’t been sorry, and then made a decision to be nice to that boy when you did, he would have led a much different life. You don’t know what you saved him from. I do!”

“But how do you know if you’re making the right decision?”

“Easy!” he said. “Just like two and two always add up to four, kindness and forgiveness is always right, hate and revenge is always wrong. It’s a fail-proof system; if you just stick to that one simple rule, why, you couldn’t make a mistake if you tried.” He sat back and crossed his arms. “Pretty neat, huh?”

“Wow!” she said. “I like it. It sure takes all the guesswork out of living, doesn’t it?”

“Doesn’t it?”

There was a light rap on the door and Raymond looked at her. “Uh-oh, get ready, here comes your admirer,” and called out, “Come on in, the door’s open.”

Elner could not imagine who it could be, but when she turned around and saw the man with the white hair walk in, she recognized him instantly.

“Elner Shimfissle,” said a smiling Raymond, “say hello to Thomas Alva Edison.” Elner could hardly believe it; there stood the Wizard of Menlo Park himself, looking exactly like his picture, hanging on her living room wall.

“Sorry to interrupt, Raymond,” Thomas said, “but I just had to stop by and shake this lady’s hand.”

Elner started to get up, but he stopped her. “Oh, don’t get up, Mrs. Shimfissle. Just wanted to say a quick hello, and thank you for all your good wishes and support over the years.”

“Oh, my heavens,” said a flustered Elner. “Well, it’s just a thrill to meet you. I’ve always wanted to shake your hand and thank you for everything you did.”

“Oh, it was nothing.”

“Nothing!” she said. “Why, honey, you lit the entire world, if it hadn’t been for you, we’d all still be sitting in the dark.”

“Sit down for a minute, Tom,” said Raymond, thoroughly enjoying watching the two of them. Tom sat in the chair next to her and said, “Well, thank you so much, Mrs. Shimfissle.”

“Call me Elner. I always told people that, next to the Maker here, of course,” she said, nodding over at Raymond, “you rank pretty high up there in my book.”

Tom laughed. “Thank you again, but it was Raymond who came up with the ideas, he just let me think of them.”

Raymond, knocking his pipe on the ashtray, said, “Don’t sell yourself short, Tom. You put in a lot of hard work.”

“Maybe, but I had a lot of fun too. Elner, I also wanted to thank you for thinking of me on my birthday every year, I really appreciate that.”

Elner waved it off. “Shoot, after all you did for the human race, it was the least I could do. My niece Norma said it was a waste of electricity, running my appliances all day, but I always say electricity is the best bargain there is. Why, for just a few cents a day, I had lights and heat and I got to listen to the radio, I never missed one of Neighbor Dorothy’s shows, you have no idea what a comfort it is to have company coming into your very own house over the radio or the TV…. Just imagine how much company you have given to all the shut-ins and so forth, people don’t have to be all alone anymore.”

Tom nodded. “I hadn’t thought about that aspect.”

“Well, think about it, and pat yourself on the back, and I’ll tell you something else, Tom. May I call you Tom?”

“Oh, please.”

“I wish your idea for running cars on batteries had caught on back then. Macky said gasoline prices were going through the roof.”

He shrugged. “I tried, but old Henry Ford came up with the Model A and beat me to it. What can you do? The early bird gets the worm.”

“Yes, but if it makes you feel any better, I think they are going to have to go right back to your idea anyway.” She suddenly thought of something. “Hey, did you know they made a lot of movies about you?”

“Oh, yes?”

“Yes, good ones too. I saw two of them at the Elmwood Theater, Mickey Rooney was in one, then Spencer Tracy played you as a grown man. I liked both of them, really.”

“So, Elner,” asked Tom, “how do you like it here? Are you enjoying yourself so far?”

“Oh, am I! Even more, now that I know I’m not in any trouble. I was just getting ready to tell Raymond, this is the grandest place I’ve ever been, it’s even better than I thought it would be.”

Tom said, “And isn’t it great to get your hearing back?”

“Yes, it is, and not only that, I’m getting some homemade caramel cake in a little while.”

“Well,” said Tom, getting up, “I’d better run on, let you finish your talk with Raymond, but I look forward to visiting with you again sometime soon, I hope.”

“Anytime. I’d be glad to see you.”

As soon as he left, Elner turned to Raymond still somewhat in awe. “Imagine, me getting to visit with Thomas Edison, and I just can’t get over how sweet and humble he is. Why, if I was as smart as him, I’m afraid it would go to my head, and you, Raymond, look at you. With what all you have accomplished, and you seem just like a regular person…and my hat’s off to you because I’ll tell you, if I had created everything there was to create…why…there would be no living with me.”

Raymond laughed. “Elner, you are a riot.”

She laughed. “Am I? Well, it’s true, though, and Dorothy is just as down to earth as she can be—oh, here’s a question I always wondered about. What’s it like being God? Is it any fun? Or is it all work and no play?”

He took a long draw off his pipe. “Well…it’s just like being anything else, I suppose, a lot of fun, but also a lot of responsibility, a lot of heartbreak.”

“I can see how it would be, considering the way the world is going.”

“Yes, having to sit up here watching them make the same old mistakes generation after generation.”

“What would you say was the biggest mistake?”

“Without a doubt, it’s that revenge thing, you know…you hit me, so I hit you back. I swear, it’s almost like the whole world is stuck in the second grade. I’ll be so glad when they finally get out of this phase and move on.”

“I see your point, and how long will that be?”

“Not too much longer,” he said, emptying the last of the tobacco into the ashtray and putting it back into the drawer. “You know how sometimes it takes a long time for an idea to finally catch on?”

“Like the Hula Hoop?”

He chuckled. “Well, yes, but I was thinking more like, let’s say, the Internet. You know how once that caught on, the idea suddenly spread around the world like wildfire?”

“Oh, yes, everybody seems to be online now.”

“Yes, that’s a perfect example of an idea whose time has come, and just like the Internet, living in peace with one another is also an idea whose time has come.”

“Really?”

“You bet! More and more people are beginning to understand, it’s not just a religious thing, it’s just common plain sense, particularly right now, when they have the means to blow themselves up. They don’t have too much of a choice.”

“No, they don’t.”

“And that’s what the majority of people want now anyway. I see the big picture and I can tell you, there are many more good people on earth than you know, you just seldom hear about them.”

“No, you don’t, not on television anyway.”

“And don’t forget, Elner, I can also see way down the line to the next generations coming in; and I know what’s about to happen.” He looked up at the wall of new babies and suddenly seemed as excited as a young boy. “And guess what else?”

“What?”

“When it happens, there won’t be a bit of difference between earth and here. People won’t have to wait to get to heaven to be happy. Isn’t that fantastic?”

At that moment Dorothy came back into the room, wiping her hands on her apron, and said cheerfully, “Well, I’m stealing her away, we are going to have our cake now. Do you want to join us?”

Raymond said, “No, you two go on and enjoy yourselves. I’m sure you have a lot more girl talk to catch up with. See you later.”

Elner stood up to leave, and as she headed out the door, she turned and said, “Oh, I forgot to ask one thing. What about prayer…does that work?”

“Of course!” he said. “We want you to have anything you want, and if what you are praying for is not bad for you in the long run, we do our best.”

Elner nodded. “You can’t ask for more than that,” she said. “Well, so long, Raymond. I enjoyed our little chat.”

“Me too,” he called back.