Can't Wait to Get to Heaven

The Quiz

6:45 AM

Dr. Brian Lang had been called at home the night before and asked to examine a patient first thing in the morning. As he read over the chart they had e-mailed him, he was amazed at the fact that the patient had managed to survive a fall like that. Her CAT scan showed absolutely no signs of anything, all her vitals were good, but he was being brought in as a safety measure, to check on any short-term or long-term memory loss before they released her. He was an expert on brain injuries and had his own set of questions, which were set up to catch even the slightest damage they may have missed.

When he walked into her room early that Tuesday, he said, “Good morning, Mrs. Shimfissle, I’m Dr. Lang.” She looked up and said, “Good morning,” then added with caution, “You’re not here to take me someplace for another test, are you?”

“Oh no, Mrs. Shimfissle,” he said as he pulled a chair to the side of her bed. “I just want us to have a little chat right here, if that’s all right with you.”

“Sure, I’d love to chat with you as long as you’re not going to stick me with something. Have a seat. I’d offer you something to drink, but I can’t find my call button. They’ll bring me anything I ask for.”

“No, I’m fine,” he said as he sat down and got out his papers.

“Look at this,” she said, pushing the control on her bed and starting to sit straight up. “Isn’t that something?”

“Yes, it is. Now, Mrs. Shimfissle, have you experienced any headaches in the past twenty-four hours?”

“No, not a one,” she said, letting herself back down again. “It’s a good thing I don’t have a bed like this at home or I’d never get up.”

“And how is your vision…any spots, fuzziness, or changes in vision?”

“Nope. Like I told my eye man, I can see fine, all the way to the moon and back.”

He could see for himself that her eyes were bright and clear, that was good.

“Mrs. Shimfissle, can you tell me what today is?”

She looked at him strangely. “Well, honey, don’t you know?”

“Oh yes I know, but these are just questions I need to…”

He stopped talking, because he could see she was not listening and was now preoccupied with something underneath her covers. “Oh, here it is,” she said, pulling out her call button. “I was laying on it. What was it that you wanted to chat about?”

“Well, it’s not a chat in the pure sense of the word, I’m really here to ask you a few questions.”

She perked up. “Oh, is it a quiz?”

“Sort of, I suppose.”

“Oh, good. Fire away. But don’t make it too hard.”

“No, I’ll try not to. OK. Let’s start over. What day is it today?”

She looked at him. “Ahh…this is a trick question, I’ll bet. It’s somebody’s birthday? I know it’s not Thomas Edison’s, or George Washington’s…. Oh, shoot, I don’t know. I give up. What is today?”

“I’m just looking for the day of the week.”

“Ohhh,” she said. “That’s easy. I thought you were looking for something harder than that, it’s Tuesday.”

“Could you tell me what month it is?”

“It’s April the second; I would tell you what time it was, but I don’t have my watch.”

“I see. Your full name?”

“Elner Jane Shimfissle.”

“Maiden name?”

“Same first name. Last name, Knott.”

“Your mother’s maiden name?”

“Nuckle, and she married a man named Knott, so her full name was Mrs. Nancy Nuckle Knott. You try saying that five times in a row.”

“Mrs. Shimfissle, what is the first major event you can recall?”

“Well, when I was three, a duck pecked me on my big toe…. Wait a minute. Are you talking about family or nonfamily events?”

“Historical events.”

“Ahh, let’s see. Pearl Harbor, December seventh, 1941. Thomas Edison, born February eleventh, 1847; died…October eighteenth, 1931. FDR died 1945. Then the opening of Disneyland, July seventeenth, 1955. Do you want more?”

“No, just the last important date you remember.”

“September eleventh, 2001. That’s one I would like to forget.”

“Your birth date.”

“July twenty-eighth.”

“How old were you on your last birthday?”

“I don’t know.”

“Do you know the year you were born?”

“No, I sure don’t. I’m sorry.”

The doctor looked up. “You can’t remember the year?”

“No, I was too little to remember the exact year, and my sister Ida buried the family Bible, so I have no idea.”

He glanced down at his chart. “Your niece put down eighty-nine.”

“Oh, that was just a guess, sometimes she puts me older, sometimes younger. It all depends on her mood. How old are you?”

“Thirty-four.”

“I have a niece that’s thirty-four. Are you married?”

“No, but Mrs. Shimfissle, I have a few more questions….”

“She’s not married either, and she has a Chinese daughter. Got her in China. What do you think about that?”

“That’s just great. Now—”

“Her name is Linda. Linda Warren. She lives in St. Louis and has a good job too. With the telephone company, just like Mary Grace. You can’t beat the telephone company for benefits.”

“I’m sure,” he said. “Can you recall what you were doing right before your fall?”

“Picking figs. Her daughter’s name is Apple. Of course, Norma hated that name. She said, ‘Why would you want to name your daughter after a computer?’ But Linda said it was after the fruit not the computer…. What is this quiz for, anyway?”

“Just checking for any signs of short- or long-term memory loss.”

“Ahh, well that makes sense. Trying to see if I still have my wits about me.”

“That’s right.”

“Well…did I pass?”

He smiled and closed the chart. “Yes, you did. With flying colors, I might add.”

“Hey, listen, are you going to be around in another few hours?”

He looked at his watch. “Yes. I should still be here. Why?”

“I want you to come back and see me, OK?”

“I’ll try.”

As he left, he had to laugh. The old lady was as sharp as a tack. Hell, he didn’t remember half the dates she did. But then, how many people would remember Thomas Edison’s birth date?