Can't Wait to Get to Heaven

The Visitors

11:30 AM

Around late morning a group of the ladies from Elmwood Springs met downtown in front of the newspaper office, then they all piled into Cathy Calvert’s station wagon and headed over to the hospital to see Elner. They were all in a good mood, happy to be going to the hospital instead of the funeral parlor, where they all might have been that day.

Irene said, “Can you believe it? Here she is alive and kicking, and I had already made three green bean casseroles and three Bundt cakes.”

Tot, who sat in the backseat by the window because she was the only one who smoked, said, “I was too stoned out on my pills to cook.”

Neva added, “Well, I practiced her gospel songs.”

Ruby Robinson said, “I cleaned out her refrigerator and almost took that nasty old cat home.”

“Merle and I sent her a plant, and he went over and killed her snails. I just hope she doesn’t find out, you know how she is about her snails,” said Verbena.

Cathy Calvert said, “Well, girls, I think I have you all beat, I already wrote her obituary!” And they laughed all the way to Kansas City.

When the ladies walked into Elner’s room, they all declared how well she looked, considering. Then Tot looked over and said to a pale Norma, “But you look terrible, you look just plum wore out.”

“Well, I am a little tired, I got up pretty early,” said Norma.

Then Tot turned to Elner. “You have just put us through the ringer, girl, we all thought you were a goner.”

“So did I,” laughed Elner.

“When are you coming home?” asked Irene.

“I don’t know yet, I’m still being observed.”

“For what?” said Tot.

“I don’t know that, either…to see if I’m still in my right mind, I guess.”

Verbena stood staring at her. “How do you feel now? Do you have a headache? Wasp stings give me a headache.”

“No, no headache, but I feel like a big old pincushion. They’ve stuck me with so many needles and looked at me from every which way, inside and out, from top to bottom. I think I had every test they could think of, and some twice. You can’t accuse them of not being thorough.”

Tot plopped down on a chair beside the bed. “Let’s cut to the chase. What I’m dying to know is, how did it feel to be dead? Did you go through a white tunnel or see anybody interesting?”

Norma held her breath, but Elner, a woman of her word, answered, “No, I didn’t go through any white tunnel.”

“Well, shoot,” said Tot, “I was hoping you’d have a lot to report, some words of wisdom.”

“Yes,” added Neva. “Did you have any insights, or revelations or anything?”

“Yeah,” said Verbena. “I heard people that died and came back could cure things, I was hoping you could help me with my arthritis.”

Elner, looking at Norma, said, “All I can tell you is that you better live each day like it was your last, because you never know. Take a lesson from me, one minute I’m picking figs, the next minute I’m dead.”

While the rest of the ladies were still visiting with Elner, Ruby Robinson went down the hall looking for her friend Boots, to have a chat and see if she could find out anything more about what had happened.

Ruby asked where she was and found Boots down in the nurses’ room taking her break. Boots was very happy to see her, and confided, “I’ve been given orders not to discuss it, but I’ll tell you this much.” She looked around to see if anyone was listening. “They’ve checked and rechecked everything and they still don’t have a clue what went wrong. My friend Gwen was in ER at the time and she swears Elner was dead.”

“It’s odd, isn’t it?” said Ruby.

“In all my years of nursing, I’ve never seen anything like it.”

When Ruby came back into the room, Elner called out to her, “Cathy just read me my obit, and it was a good one. I’m sorry now that she didn’t get to run it in the paper.”

The ladies stayed until around three, and then left for home so they could beat the traffic.

After the ladies left, Elner said to Norma, “Ruby said they tried to call Luther, but he was out of town. He’s gonna be sorry he missed the excitement, won’t he?”

“Frankly, I think he’s better off, you know what a big baby he is.”

“Yes, that’s true. Neva said my funeral was going to be one of the biggest ones ever, and to hear Irene tell it, you and Macky were in for a lot of good casseroles. Now, aren’t you sorry I didn’t stay dead? You can freeze those, you know. I’ll bet you and Macky could have probably eaten off of them for a good year.”

“Oh, Aunt Elner. Good Lord,” said Norma. “I can always make a casserole, for heaven’s sake. You don’t have to die for us to get a casserole.”

“Well, anyway, I just hope Dena and Gerry didn’t buy one of those nonrefundable tickets to get to my funeral, but if they did, I guess they can just keep it and use it the next time, don’t you reckon?”

Norma looked at her. “Aunt Elner, if you die again any time soon, I swear…I can only handle so much.”

That night when Elner was having her dinner of liver and onions, she waited until the nurse left, and then said to Norma, “This liver is way too dry, not near as good as they make it over at the Cracker Barrel.”

Norma looked over at it. “No, it doesn’t look that good.”

“When am I getting sprung out of here, do you know? I need to get home.”

“I’m not sure, maybe they will let us know something tomorrow.”

“Norma, I hate you having to drive all the way here and back home again, you probably have a lot more important things to do than sit with me all day.”

“Don’t be silly. The most important thing to me is making sure you’re all right.” Norma reached over and took her hand. “You know, I would just die if anything happened to you.”

“Well, that’s mighty sweet of you, honey.”

That evening after Norma went home, when Elner was alone, she had a chance to think more about her trip. She wished Norma had believed her about seeing everybody and how wonderful it was, but she couldn’t make her believe if she didn’t want to. Of course, Elner had been happy to see her friends and relatives again, everybody had been so nice. And she certainly wouldn’t have hurt Norma’s feelings for anything in the world, but Elner found herself a little sad to be back. She understood that Raymond and Dorothy must have had their reasons for sending her home, but she longed to go back. She had been so disappointed not to get to see Will. It was difficult, because it was certainly a feeling you had to keep to yourself. You couldn’t very well tell your loved ones you would rather be dead, and not expect them to have their feelings hurt. But still she couldn’t help but wonder why she’d had to come back. Oh, well, it was just one of those mysteries and only they know the answer. She lay there for a moment, and then broke out in song again. “Ah, sweet mystery of life. At last I’ve found thee…At last—”

The worried night nurse rushed in.

“What’s the matter, Mrs. Shimfissle? Are you in pain?”

“No, I feel fine, thank you.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. I thought I heard you moaning in pain.”

“No. I was just singing.” Then she laughed. “I guess I sing about as well as Ernest Koonitz plays the tuba, but at least he’s getting lessons.”

“Well, sorry to have disturbed you. Good night.”

“Good night, and next time, when I feel a song coming on, I’ll be sure and warn you.”

“Please do, give me a chance to stuff my ears with cotton.”

“I will.”

The nurse left the room smiling and said to her friend at the desk, “That woman in 703 is a real character. I’m going to be sorry to see her go home. You should have heard her earlier, she was telling a bunch of us all about her seven orange cats named Sonny.”

“She has seven cats named Sonny?”

“No, not all at once. Each time she gets a new cat, she names it Sonny, and she said when she gets out of here she is sending us all fig preserves and a copy of a picture of some kind of mice jumping around in the desert.”

“Good God, she sounds nuts to me.”

“Probably, but she’s a funny nut. Good-humored at least. Quite a relief from the sourpusses I usually get stuck with.”

“Speaking of that, that jerk lawyer Winston Sprague was here earlier, throwing his weight around, talking to everybody like they are dirt. He made one of the girls cry, he was so rude snapping his fingers at her, ordering her around. Who died and made him king, is what I want to know.”

“Yeah. What a little snot he is. I just hope he gets knocked off his high horse someday and I’m there to see it.” She looked around to see if anyone could hear, then said, “I’ll bet he powders his private parts with a powder puff. Don’t you?” The other woman screamed with laughter as softly as she could, considering where she was. Then she said, “You know he does. What a jerk.”