Can't Wait to Get to Heaven

Nurse Calls Ruby Back

2:59 PM

Boots Carroll was at her station at the hospital doing her paperwork when the order came down from upstairs to change Mrs. Shimfissle’s condition from deceased to stable. “What?” she said, as she read the change. She immediately went upstairs, marched down the hall with paper in hand, and found the floor nurse who had called her in the first place. “What in the Sam Hill is going on with Mrs. Shimfissle’s report?”

Her original source looked very distressed and whispered to her, “Dr. Henson made a mistake, she’s back in OR and sitting up and talking.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, I’m sure…. They just rolled her by here two minutes ago, and she sat up and waved at me.”

“Good God! Heads are going to roll on this one. Does her family know yet?”

“Oh, yes. They were in the room when the old woman started talking. The niece fainted dead away.” She pointed down the hall, and Boots could see a group of people standing around talking.

“I’ll go down and see them in a minute, but I need to make a phone call first.”

Boots picked up the phone, but could not reach Ruby at home. She then called the nurses’ exchange and they gave her Ruby’s emergency cell number.

Ruby was at Elner’s, busy going through her refrigerator, wondering what might go bad and what she should throw out. She figured Norma would not be able to deal with it for a few days. She was trying to read the expiration date on a carton of milk when her cell phone rang.

“Hello?”

“Ruby, it’s Boots. Listen, I was given the wrong information about Mrs. Shimfissle, she was not a DOA like I told you.”

“What?”

“They just took her back up to OR. Apparently she’s recovered and is doing just fine, at least that’s the latest report. I don’t know what’s going on here, but I called you the minute I heard.”

Ruby was flabbergasted. “What do you mean, she’s not dead? I was just fixing to throw out her milk!”

“I am so sorry, Ruby, somebody made a mistake. I’m so mad at that bunch upstairs, I could spit nails. I’m telling you, if you knew half the things that go on here now, it would just curl your hair.”

Ruby said, “Oh, dear. Well, let me get on the horn and pass this along…good Lord, we were practically planning her funeral.”

After she hung up, Boots felt terrible; she had broken the rule of patient confidentiality, but they had been so sure upstairs. She and Ruby had been in nursing school together, so it was not as if she had told a civilian, but if they ever found out she had released the condition of a patient to a nonfamily member, she would lose her job, and at her age they were looking for a reason to get rid of her as it was. The one good thing was she knew that Ruby would protect her. There was always that unspoken nurse to nurse loyalty she could depend on. And it was true. Ruby would have protected her source with her life. But right now Ruby didn’t even have time to stop and be happy that Elner was alive. She would have to do that later. Right now she had to get busy and stop this thing at the pass, before the news of Elner’s death went any further than it had. She immediately called Tot down at the beauty shop. Not more than thirty minutes before, Tot had had to get up out of bed and drag herself down to the beauty shop, because Darlene could not find the formula for Beverly Cortwright’s hair color.

Luckily, Tot answered the phone. “Beauty shop.”

“Tot, it’s Ruby, I just heard back from the hospital and Elner’s not dead after all.”

“What?”

“They made a mistake, so call whoever you told and tell them, pronto. I’ve got to go,” she said, and hung up.

“Good God Almighty,” Tot said to herself. “A mistake?” And here she was with a beauty parlor full of upset and crying women, thinking Elner Shimfissle was dead.

Tot walked around the room and turned off all the dryers, told everyone to take the cotton out of their ears, and made Darlene turn the water off and stop washing the dye out of Beverly Cortwright’s hair. When she had everyone’s attention, she announced, “Everybody, I just got a call from Ruby Robinson, and as it turns out, Elner Shimfissle is not dead after all. They gave out the wrong report at the hospital.”

Everyone gasped and as a shock wave went around the room, Marie Larkin dropped her Modern Style Cuts onto the floor, and Lucille Wimble spilled coffee down the front of her dress. They had all spent the past hour crying and talking about how much they were going to miss Elner. Some were even going so far as to plan what they would wear to her funeral, and what kind of casserole they would make to take over to Norma’s. What a shock! Lucille was beside herself. “I’ve never heard of anything so crazy in all my life!” she said, blotting her dress with a paper towel. “What would possess them to do such a thing, tell everybody she was dead and get people all hysterical, I had started my grieving process and everything and now they say it was all for nothing?”

Vicki Johnson agreed. “I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.”

“Well, I’m just stunned,” said a teary, red-eyed Beverly with brown dye running down one side of her face. “I don’t know what to think or feel.”

“Me either,” said Darlene, reaching into her pocket for the other half of her candy bar.

Tot said, “Well, I don’t feel much of anything right now, I just took two Xanax an hour ago or so, but I’ll probably have a fit once the pills wear off.”

Elner’s niece in California was on the Internet looking up the best flights from San Francisco to Kansas City. She didn’t know when Elner’s funeral was going to be, but she wanted to see what flights were available. When the phone rang, she picked it up, and it was another collect call from Macky and he sounded quite upset.

“Dena, I don’t have time to go into detail, but I wanted to let you know, Aunt Elner is not dead like they thought, there was some kind of mistake.”

“What?”

“Not dead. I’m sorry I called you the first time, but I was just telling you what they told us.”

“Not dead?”

“No, apparently they gave us the wrong information, anyhow she’s in intensive care right now, I’ll try and keep you posted just as soon as I know something…. I have to run, Norma’s having a fit, talk to you later.”

Dena was still standing with the phone in her hand when her husband walked in the door.

When she saw him, she dropped the phone and ran to him and threw her arms around him. “Oh, Gerry, Aunt Elner’s alive! Isn’t that wonderful?”

Gerry, who had no idea what she was talking about, smiled and hugged her back. “Yes, honey, it is wonderful.”

After she locked everything up at Elner’s house, Ruby scurried across the lawn to her house and saw Merle across the street and called out to him. “Merle! Elner’s not dead, call Verbena and let her know.”

Merle stood there, not quite sure he had heard. “What?”

“She pulled through, pass it on!” Ruby yelled as she ran in her front door.

Merle hurried into the house as fast as he could and immediately called his wife down at the cleaners.

When she picked up, he was almost breathless. “Guess what?” he said. “Ruby just got a call from the hospital and Elner’s not dead after all.”

“What?”

“She didn’t die.”

“Merle,” Verbena said, making a face, “don’t be telling me crazy stuff like this, I’ve got two customers standing here wanting their dry cleaning.”

“Verbena, I swear, I’m telling you the truth,” he said, holding his right hand up in the air. “She’s alive.”

“Are you joking?”

“No. They said she was talking and everything.”

Verbena looked over the counter at her customers and exclaimed, “Elner didn’t die! Thank the Lord. I’ve just been all torn up about it all morning. Well, God bless her. She pulled through.”

As soon as the customers, who had no idea who Elner was, left the cleaners, Verbena was so happy about her friend and neighbor being alive that she jumped up and down in place and shouted hallelujah. It wasn’t until the third jump that she remembered what she had done. Oh dear, now she wished she hadn’t called the radio station and told Bud that Elner was dead.

Across town, Neva picked up the phone down at the mortuary.

“Neva, it’s Tot…false alarm.”

“What?”

“Tell Arvis I’m so sorry, but as it turns out, Elner Shimfissle is not dead after all.” And then she hung up. Neva was somewhat confused; still not quite believing what she had just heard, she stood up and walked to the back, stuck her head in the door, and relayed the message anyway.

“Arvis, Tot Whooten just called and said to tell you she was sorry but as it turns out Elner Shimfissle is not dead after all.”

He looked up. “What?”

Neva thought about what she had just said. “Wait a minute. That doesn’t sound right, does it? I don’t know if Tot meant she was sorry Elner wasn’t dead…or sorry she told you she was dead, but anyhow, that’s what she said.”

Arvis said, “Good God, is Tot hitting the bottle?”

“I don’t know, but I’ve got to figure out what to do with all those flower orders.”

“She must have flipped out again, calling and telling everybody that Elner Shimfissle was dead. Call Verbena and make sure Tot’s not drunk or crazy before you do anything about the flowers.”

Neva called Verbena, but the line was busy. She was on the phone with the radio station.

Bud, the other half of the Bud and Jay Show, had not gone home yet and was still at work when he received the second phone call from Verbena. “Bud,” she said somewhat sheepishly, “this is Verbena Wheeler over in Elmwood Springs. Listen, uh, cancel what I told you earlier about Elner Shimfissle. It was a mistake, she’s not dead after all.”

“What?”

“Yes, Bud, she’s somehow defied the odds and lived. Praise the Lord.”

After Bud hung up, he vowed that was the last time he ever reported anything on the show that had not been verified. Now he knew just how CNN and FOX News felt when they jumped the gun on a story. He quickly jotted down a note to give Bill Dollar of the Dollar Bill and Pattie afternoon show that was currently on the air. He wanted to get it announced as soon as possible. In a few minutes, after Pattie finished doing the commercial, Bill, just having read the note handed to him, said to his cohost, “Well, Pattie, it looks as if we’ve had a little miscomputation somewhere down the line. According to Bud, Mrs. Elner Shimfissle of Elmwood Springs has not passed away, as earlier reported this morning on the Shop and Swap show, and evidently is very much alive. Sorry about that, folks…What was it that Mark Twain said, ‘The news of my death has been greatly exaggerated.’ Well, it seems like that’s the case here.” Pattie was laughing and called out to Bud, who was standing in the control room. “Hey, Bud, you kinda jumped the gun on Mrs. Shimfissle, didn’t you? I’m sure if she was listening it was news to her. Well, anyhow…welcome back to the living, Mrs. Shimfissle!”

By the time the last report was broadcast over the air, Luther Griggs was already out of state and long out of the WDOT listening area, but was still thinking about what an impact Miss Elner had had on his life. True, he had spent six months in the state prison because he had trashed his daddy’s and his daddy’s new wife’s trailer while they had been in Nashville attending a Clint Black concert. He had taken only what was rightfully his: hunting boots, a gun, four Kennedy silver dollars, and a television set that his daddy had kept when he had thrown Luther out the last time. But nevertheless, they called it breaking and entering, and when he had been in jail, Elner had sent him some fig preserves with a note.

“Honey, don’t get yourself all tattooed up, that’s all I ask.”

Luther had wanted the flaming sword with “Jesus Saves” on his shoulder, but didn’t get it. He was the only person his age, man or woman, who did not have at least a nose ring or something, but he had not wanted to disappoint Elner. He was sorry about not being able to be there for the funeral. At one time she had picked him to be one of her pallbearers, before she’d changed her mind and decided to have herself cremated instead. He had been disappointed at the time, because he had entertained so many fantasies about himself walking into the church, having people whisper, “There’s Luther Griggs. She thought the world of him, you know. He was like a son to her.” And things like that. He thought that maybe after the funeral was over, he would stand around with the family, maybe right beside Linda, and shake people’s hands. After that he would probably be invited over to the house for food and drinks. He wasn’t sure what all went on at funerals, but he figured as an “official pallbearer” he certainly would have to be included in everything. He had felt important just thinking about it, but now the only thing that was important was the fact that she was dead, and he felt all alone in the world again. He now wished he had a picture of her. When he had worked as an exterminator’s helper one summer, he had seen inside a lot of nice houses and noticed that people had photographs of their families sitting around everywhere. He sure did not want any pictures of his family, but now he thought that it would be nice to have one of Miss Elner in a frame. He could keep it on his dresser.

He planned it all out in his mind as he drove. When he got back he would ask Mrs. Warren if she had a picture of Miss Elner that he could borrow, and then he’d take it out to the Wal-Mart and have them make a copy. He then wished he had a picture of them together. Maybe there was some way the people out at Wal-Mart could take a picture of him and make one up of the two of them. Make it look like they were together at the time. He had seen a lot of nice frames out at Tuesday Morning right next to the plastic flowers.