Anam Cara

Parents as Memory Holders

Parents have such incredible power to confirm and influence the inner life of the child. Identity is fashioned in the inner life. The child’s sensibility is like a sponge. It absorbs everything. Without knowing it, we drink in the voices of our parents at that stage. We have not yet developed any kind of filter to sift the creative from the destructive. There is no such thing as perfect parents. Without wanting to, and often without knowing it, all parents leave some little trail of negativity for their children; this belongs naturally to life’s ambivalence. There is never anything absolutely pure in the valley of tears, but we still love our parents in their imperfection. As Robert Frost says, “We love the things we love for what they are.”

Children come here without knowing where they are landing. A little child has no power. In these times, terrible stories are emerging. Children have been violently abused both mentally and sexually. Outwardly, the home appeared normal, but it was in fact a quiet torture chamber. Sick and violent parents have turned their innocent little children into targets of their own demented psyches. Such violence marks a person for life. It shakes the inner ground of the psyche. This violation of the innocent is one of the most sinister forms of evil. It is a deeply troubling question. Why would a kind and loving divine power allow the innocent goodness of a child to be delivered into the hands of such twisted violence? It is a massive spiritual task for those who have been abused to love and reclaim themselves. Abuse wants to turn the abused child against itself. To learn to break this inner reflex of violence is a task that can be achieved only with the help of a wise and caring healer and the kindness of grace. The abused child must learn to see himself as lovable by loving himself, and, in time, others. In a home where this love and space exist a child has a wonderful introduction to life. You are encouraged and your gifts are awakened. For years, you will be able to live from the perennial nourishment of this creative, initial belonging. You will be able to embrace and inhabit other styles of belonging demanded by the different stages of your journey.