Anam Cara

The Loss of Spontaneity

In the Bible practically all the real points of novelty, change, and growth are related to points of vulnerability. When you are vulnerable, you are exposed externally; what comes towards you can really hurt you. When you are in harmony, you can take untold pressure. You can carry many burdens with grace. When you suffer, your sense of rhythm deserts you. Perhaps it is only then that you become aware of how deeply your life is normally blessed by unnoticed spontaneity. A natural spontaneity always holds you in the dance of your soul. When that spontaneity dries up, you fall out of the embrace and onto the rough gravel of deliberateness. You can no longer depend on your natural presence. When you really suffer, you learn the awful necessity of deliberateness. Even the smallest act must be willed, and it costs you disproportionate energy. It is the last straw that breaks the camel’s back. I heard this as a child, and it always struck me as quite incredible that one more straw could have such a destructive effect on the strong back of the camel. The last straw was surely no heavier than all the prior straws. It was the fact of the camel’s vulnerability and the cumulative weight of all the prior straws that were so destructive. When you carry a great weight of pain, you can be knocked over by a feather. Cut off from your spontaneity, it is extremely difficult to stand at all on your own ground. It takes a constant renewal of energy to hold yourself to your own routine. After a day of suffering, you are totally exhausted and empty, and most probably you cannot look forward to the ease of sleep either. The serpents of anxiety never sleep; they poison the innocence of the night.