Anam Cara

7 Beyond Endings

Endings seem to lie in wait. Absorbed in our experience, we forget that an ending might be approaching. Consequently, when the ending signals its arrival, we can feel ambushed. Perhaps there is an instinctive survival mechanism in us that distracts us from the inevitability of ending, thus enabling us to live in the present with an innocence and wholeheartedness. Were we to be haunted by the prospect of ending, we could not give ourselves with freedom and passion.

Endings are strange. Usually they leave us disturbed and bereft. For instance, when we look back on a relationship that ended, there is often such a contrast between the innocence and joy of how it initially unfolded and the soreness and protrusion of its ending. Back then we could never have imagined or foreseen such an ending. Yet somehow within it the seed of such a conclusion must have been already germinating. How quietly and irreversibly inevitability can build within something; during each new stage it is strengthening its grip on finality. Sometimes in the unfolding of a situation, there can be a moment when the danger of the ending is glimpsed. Action can be undertaken to engage with the forces that are in collusion with finality; with difficulty and concentrated care, the situation can be retrieved and renewed. Often the very threat of ending can be what animates and develops a relationship. Indeed, the prospect of death is probably the greatest single inspiration of human creativity and passion. The brevity of our presence here is suddenly brought into sharp relief and intensifies our sense of urgency.

On the other hand, endings can be such a relief. When we suffer, we long for it to end. When we are in pain, time crawls. It also darkens and imprisons our imagination; consequently, we are unable to see beyond the suffering that plagues us. Often the greatest gift in such a situation is when someone manages to persuade the eyes of the heart to glimpse the vaguest brightening. Then the imagination takes hope from that, and constructs a path of light out of the darkness. Such endings offer great promise and bring us to the edge of new possibility. They are nascent beginnings. This is one of the fascinating characteristics of consciousness. Unlike the world of matter, in the world of spirit a whole territory that has lain fallow can become a fertile area of new potential and creativity. Time behaves differently in the domain of spirit.

Experience has its own secret structuring. Endings are natural. Often what alarms us as an ending can in fact be the opening of a new journey—a new beginning that we could never have anticipated; one that engages forgotten parts of the heart. Due to the current overlay of therapy terminology in our language, everyone now seems to wish for “closure.” This word is unfortunate; it is not faithful to the open-ended rhythm of experience. Creatures made of clay with porous skin and porous minds are quite incapable of the hermetic sealing that the strategy of “closure” seems to imply. The word completion is a truer word. Each experience has within it a dynamic of unfolding and a narrative of emergence. Oscar Wilde once said, “The supreme vice is shallowness. Whatever is realized is right.” When a person manages to trust experience and be open to it, the experience finds its own way to realization. Though such an ending may be awkward and painful, there is a sense of wholesomeness and authenticity about it. Then the heart will gradually find that this stage has run its course and the ending is substantial and true. Eventually the person emerges with a deeper sense of freedom, certainty, and integration.

The nature of calendar time is linear; it is made up of durations that begin and end. The Celtic imagination always sensed that beneath time there was eternal depth. This offers us a completely different way of relating to time. It relieves time of the finality of ending. While something may come to an ending on the surface of time, its presence, meaning, and effect continue to be held and integrated into the eternal. This is how spirit unfolds and deepens. In this sense, eternal time is intimate; it is where the unfolding narrative of individual life is gathered and woven. Eternal life is eternal memory; therefore, it becomes possible to imagine a realm beyond endings where all that has unfolded is not canceled or lost, but where the spirit-depths of it are already arriving home. AT THE END OF THE YEAR

The particular mind of the ocean

Filling the coastline’s longing

With such brief harvest

Of elegant, vanishing waves

Is like the mind of time

Opening us shapes of days.

As this year draws to its end,

We give thanks for the gifts it brought

And how they became inlaid within

Where neither time nor tide can touch them.

The days when the veil lifted

And the soul could see delight;

When a quiver caressed the heart

In the sheer exuberance of being here.

Surprises that came awake

In forgotten corners of old fields

Where expectation seemed to have quenched.

The slow, brooding times

When all was awkward

And the wave in the mind

Pierced every sore with salt.

The darkened days that stopped

The confidence of the dawn.

Days when beloved faces shone brighter

With light from beyond themselves;

And from the granite of some secret sorrow

A stream of buried tears loosened.

We bless this year for all we learned,

For all we loved and lost

And for the quiet way it brought us

Nearer to our invisible destination.

THE INNER HISTORY OF A DAY

No one knew the name of this day;

Born quietly from deepest night,

It hid its face in light,

Demanded nothing for itself,

Opened out to offer each of us

A field of brightness that traveled ahead,

Providing in time, ground to hold our footsteps

And the light of thought to show the way.

The mind of the day draws no attention;

It dwells within the silence with elegance

To create a space for all our words,

Drawing us to listen inward and outward.

We seldom notice how each day is a holy place

Where the eucharist of the ordinary happens,

Transforming our broken fragments

Into an eternal continuity that keeps us.

Somewhere in us a dignity presides

That is more gracious than the smallness

That fuels us with fear and force,

A dignity that trusts the form a day takes.

So at the end of this day, we give thanks

For being betrothed to the unknown

And for the secret work

Through which the mind of the day

And wisdom of the soul become one.

FOR THE FAMILY AND FRIENDS OF A SUICIDE

As you huddle around the torn silence,

Each by this lonely deed exiled

To a solitary confinement of soul,

May some small glow from what has been lost

Return like the kindness of candlelight.

As your eyes strain to sift

This sudden wall of dark

And no one can say why

In such a forsaken, secret way,

This death was sent for…

May one of the lovely hours

Of memory return

Like a field of ease

Among these graveled days.

May the Angel of Wisdom

Enter this ruin of absence

And guide your minds

To receive this bitter chalice

So that you do not damage yourselves

By attending only at the hungry altar

Of regret and anger and guilt.

May you be given some inkling

That there could be something else at work

And that what to you now seems

Dark, destructive, and forlorn,

Might be a destiny that looks different

From inside the eternal script.

May vision be granted to you

To see this with the eyes of providence.

May your loss become a sanctuary

Where new presence will dwell

To refine and enrich

The rest of your life

With courage and compassion.

And may your lost loved one

Enter into the beauty of eternal tranquillity,

In that place where there is no more sorrow

Or separation or mourning or tears.

FOR BROKEN TRUST

Sometimes there is an invisible raven

That will fly low to pierce the shell of trust

When it has been brought near to ground.

When he strikes, he breaks the faith of years

That had built quietly through the seasons

In the rhythm of tried and tested experience.

With one strike, the shelter is down

And the black yoke of truth turned false

Would poison the garden of memory.

Now the heart’s dream turns to requiem,

Offering itself a poultice of tears

To cleanse from loss what cannot be lost.

Through all the raw and awkward days,

Dignity will hold the heart to grace

Lest it squander its dream on a ghost.

Often torn ground is ideal for seed

That can root disappointment deep enough

To yield a harvest that cannot wither:

A deeper light to anoint the eyes,

Passion that opens wings in the heart,

A subtle radiance of countenance:

The soul ready for its true other.

FOR THE BREAKUP OF A RELATIONSHIP

Now you endeavor

To gather yourself

And withdraw in slow

Animal woundedness

From love turned sour and ungentle.

When we love, the depth in us

Trusts itself forward until

The empty space between

Becomes gradually woven

Into an embrace where longing

Can close its weary eyes.

Love can seldom end clean;

For all the tissue is torn

And each lover turned stranger

Is dropped into a ruin of distance

Where emptiness is young and fierce.

Time becomes strange and slipshod;

It mixes memories that felt

The kiss of the eternal

With the blistering hurt of now.

Unknown to themselves,

Certain small things

Touch nerve-lines to the heart

And bring back with color and force

All that is utterly lost.

This is the time to be slow,

Lie low to the wall

Until the bitter weather passes.

Try, as best you can, not to let

The wire brush of doubt

Scrape from your heart

All sense of yourself

And your hesitant light.

If you remain generous,

Time will come good;

And you will find your feet

Again on fresh pastures of promise,

Where the air will be kind

And blushed with beginning.

FOR RETIREMENT

This is where your life has arrived,

After all the years of effort and toil;

Look back with graciousness and thanks

On all your great and quiet achievements.

You stand on the shore of new invitation

To open your life to what is left undone;

Let your heart enjoy a different rhythm

When drawn to the wonder of other horizons.

Have the courage for a new approach to time;

Allow it to slow until you find freedom

To draw alongside the mystery you hold

And befriend your own beauty of soul.

Now is the time to enjoy your heart’s desire,

To live the dreams you’ve waited for,

To awaken the depths beyond your work

And enter into your infinite source.

FOR SOMEONE AWAKENING TO THE TRAUMA OF HIS OR HER PAST

For everything under the sun there is a time.

This is the season of your awkward harvesting,

When pain takes you where you would rather not go,

Through the white curtain of yesterdays to a place

You had forgotten you knew from the inside out;

And a time when that bitter tree was planted

That has grown always invisibly beside you

And whose branches your awakened hands

Now long to disentangle from your heart.

You are coming to see how your looking often darkened

When you should have felt safe enough to fall toward love,

How deep down your eyes were always owned by something

That faced them through a dark fester of thorns

Converting whoever came into a further figure of the wrong;

You could only see what touched you as already torn.

Now the act of seeing begins your work of mourning.

And your memory is ready to show you everything,

Having waited all these years for you to return and know.

Only you know where the casket of pain is interred.

You will have to scrape through all the layers of covering

And according to your readiness, everything will open.

May you be blessed with a wise and compassionate guide

Who can accompany you through the fear and grief

Until your heart has wept its way to your true self.

As your tears fall over that wounded place,

May they wash away your hurt and free your heart.

May your forgiveness still the hunger of the wound

So that for the first time you can walk away from that place,

Reunited with your banished heart, now healed and freed,

And feel the clear, free air bless your new face.

ON THE DEATH OF THE BELOVED

Though we need to weep your loss,

You dwell in that safe place in our hearts

Where no storm or night or pain can reach you.

Your love was like the dawn

Brightening over our lives,

Awakening beneath the dark

A further adventure of color.

The sound of your voice

Found for us

A new music

That brightened everything.

Whatever you enfolded in your gaze

Quickened in the joy of its being;

You placed smiles like flowers

On the altar of the heart.

Your mind always sparkled

With wonder at things.

Though your days here were brief,

Your spirit was alive, awake, complete.

We look toward each other no longer

From the old distance of our names;

Now you dwell inside the rhythm of breath,

As close to us as we are to ourselves.

Though we cannot see you with outward eyes,

We know our soul’s gaze is upon your face,

Smiling back at us from within everything

To which we bring our best refinement.

Let us not look for you only in memory,

Where we would grow lonely without you.

You would want us to find you in presence,

Beside us when beauty brightens,

When kindness glows

And music echoes eternal tones.

When orchids brighten the earth,

Darkest winter has turned to spring;

May this dark grief flower with hope

In every heart that loves you.

May you continue to inspire us:

To enter each day with a generous heart.

To serve the call of courage and love

Until we see your beautiful face again

In that land where there is no more separation,

Where all tears will be wiped from our mind,

And where we will never lose you again.

FOR SOMEONE WHO DID YOU WRONG

Though its way is to strike

In a dumb rhythm,

Stroke upon stroke,

As though the heart

Were an anvil,

The hurt you sent

Had a mind of its own.

Something in you knew

Exactly how to shape it,

To hit the target,

Slipping into the heart

Through some wound-window

Left open since childhood.

While it struck outside,

It burrowed inside,

Made tunnels through

Every ground of confidence.

For days, it would lie still

Until a thought would start it.

Meanwhile, you forgot,

Went on with things

And never even knew

How that perfect

Shape of hurt

Still continued to work.

Now a new kindness

Seems to have entered time

And I can see how that hurt

Has schooled my heart

In a compassion I would

Otherwise have never learned.

Somehow now

I have begun to glimpse

The unexpected fruit

Your dark gift had planted

And I thank you

For your unknown work.

AFTER A DESTRUCTIVE ENCOUNTER

Now that you have entered with an open heart

Into a complex and fragile situation,

Hoping with patience and respect

To tread softly over sore ground in order

That somewhere beneath the raw estrangement

Some fresh spring of healing might be coaxed

To release the grace for a new journey

Beyond repetition and judgment,

And have achieved nothing of that,

But emerged helpless, and with added hurt…

Withdraw for a while into your own tranquillity,

Loosen from your heart the new fester.

Free yourself of the wounded gaze

That is not yet able to see you.

Recognize your responsibility for the past.

Don’t allow your sense of yourself to wilt.

Draw deep from your own dignity.

Temper your expectation to the other’s limits,

And take your time carefully,

Learning that there is a time for everything

And for healing too,

But that now is not that time…yet.

FOR CELEBRATION

Now is the time to free the heart,

Let all intentions and worries stop,

Free the joy inside the self,

Awaken to the wonder of your life.

Open your eyes and see the friends

Whose hearts recognize your face as kin,

Those whose kindness watchful and near,

Encourages you to live everything here.

See the gifts the years have given,

Things your effort could never earn,

The health to enjoy who you want to be

And the mind to mirror mystery.

FOR LOST FRIENDS

As twilight makes a rainbow robe

From the concealed colors of day

In order for time to stay alive

Within the dark weight of night,

May we lose no one we love

From the shelter of our hearts.

When we love another heart

And allow it to love us,

We journey deep below time

Into that eternal weave

Where nothing unravels.

May we have the grace to see

Despite the hurt of rupture,

The searing of anger,

And the empty disappointment,

That whoever we have loved,

Such love can never quench.

Though a door may have closed,

Closed between us,

May we be able to view

Our lost friends with eyes

Wise with calming grace;

Forgive them the damage

We were left to inherit;

Free ourselves from the chains

Of forlorn resentment;

Bring warmth again to

Where the heart has frozen

In order that beyond the walls

Of our cherished hurt

And chosen distance

We may be able to

Celebrate the gifts they brought,

Learn and grow from the pain,

And prosper into difference,

Wishing them the peace

Where spirit can summon

Beauty from wounded space.

ENTERING DEATH

I pray that you will have the blessing

Of being consoled and sure about your death.

May you know in your soul

There is no need to be afraid.

When your time comes, may you have

Every blessing and strength you need.

May there be a beautiful welcome for you

In the home you are going to.

You are not going somewhere strange,

Merely back to the home you have never left.

May you live with compassion

And transfigure everything

Negative within and about you.

When you come to die,

May it be after a long life.

May you be tranquil

Among those who care for you.

May your going be sheltered

And your welcome assured.

May your soul smile

In the embrace

Of your Anam Cara.

FOR THE DYING

May death come gently toward you,

Leaving you time to make your way

Through the cold embrace of fear

To the place of inner tranquillity.

May death arrive only after a long life

To find you at home among your own

With every comfort and care you require.

May your leave-taking be gracious,

Enabling you to hold dignity

Through awkwardness and illness.

May you see the reflection

Of your life’s kindness and beauty

In all the tears that fall for you.

As your eyes focus on each face,

May your soul take its imprint,

Drawing each image within

As companions for the journey.

May you find for each one you love

A different locket of jeweled words

To be worn around the heart

To warm your absence.

May someone who knows and loves

The complex village of your heart

Be there to echo you back to yourself

And create a sure word-raft

To carry you to the further shore.

May your spirit feel

The surge of true delight

When the veil of the visible

Is raised, and you glimpse again

The living faces

Of departed family and friends.

May there be some beautiful surprise

Waiting for you inside death,

Something you never knew or felt,

Which with one simple touch,

Absolves you of all loneliness and loss,

As you quicken within the embrace

For which your soul was eternally made.

May your heart be speechless

At the sight of the truth

Of all belief had hoped,

Your heart breathless

In the light and lightness

Where each and everything

Is at last its true self

Within that serene belonging

That dwells beside us

On the other side

Of what we see.

VESPERS

As light departs to let the earth be one with night,

Silence deepens in the mind, and thoughts grow slow;

The basket of twilight brims over with colors

Gathered from within the secret meadows of the day

And offered like blessings to the gathering Tenebrae.

After the day’s frenzy, may the heart grow still,

Gracious in thought for all the day brought,

Surprises that dawn could never have dreamed:

The blue silence that came to still the mind,

The quiver of mystery at the edge of a glimpse,

The golden echoes of worlds behind voices.

Tense faces unable to hide what gripped the heart,

The abrupt cut of a glance or a word that hurt,

The flame of longing that distance darkened,

Bouquets of memory gathered on the heart’s altar,

The thorns of absence in the rose of dream.

And the whole while the unknown underworld

Of the mind, turning slowly, in its secret orbit.

May the blessing of sleep bring refreshment and release

And the Angel of the moon call the rivers of dream

To soften the hardened earth of the outside life,

Disentangle from the trapped nets the hurt and sorrow,

And awaken the young soul for the new tomorrow.