Don't Worry, Be Grumpy

Permission to Die

“Are you at peace with your impending death?”

I often say these words to people who are close to death. My aim is to convince them that it is okay to die, that there is nothing wrong with it. Then they can die with dignity and at peace.

Many such people tell me that they have already made peace with their coming death. The problem, they say, is that their relatives and close friends will not let them go. “Mother, mother, please don’t die! Please get better. Please!” This becomes their greatest source of suffering.

Steve was a young Buddhist in his thirties. He had a successful tour company that took his clients whitewater rafting in some of the most beautiful locations in the world. Unfortunately, he was dying of an incurable cancer.

I had visited Steve and his wife, Jenny, many times and, honestly, was surprised that he hadn’t passed away yet. He was suffering. Why was he hanging on?

I turned away from Steve, faced Jenny, and asked her, “Have you given Steve permission to die?”

What followed was one of those tingling moments in life that you feel forever privileged to have watched. Without giving me a reply, Jenny crawled up upon the bed, put her arms tenderly around her frail and emaciated husband, and told the man she loved to bits, “Steve, I give you permission to die. It’s all right Steve. You can go.” They hugged and cried. Less than two days later, Steve was dead.

Often I have to take aside the friends and relations of someone close to death and suggest that they give to the one they love so much one of love’s greatest gifts: permission to die. That gift of freedom may only be given in your own time and in your own way. It is the gift that finally sets your loved ones free.