Don't Worry, Be Grumpy

Someone Is Watching You

In the ancient world, a single wise teacher would teach a group of students everything they needed to know about life. One such teacher had a dozen students who were close to graduation. He also had a daughter who all his students thought was hot.

One day he announced to his students that he had two problems. The first was that he had to find a husband for his daughter, and according to the tradition of those days, it should be one of his twelve students. The difficulty was that he couldn’t decide which student would make the best husband.

The second problem was that he, as the father of the bride, would have to pay for a lavish wedding ceremony and also set up the couple in a new house with all the necessities. The difficulty was that this was a great expense.

To solve both these problems, the teacher announced a contest. He asked his students to creep stealthily into the local village under the cover of night and steal whatever they could, as long as no one saw them. Then they would bring all the goods back to the teacher. Whichever student followed the instructions and stole the most would win his daughter, and all the stolen valuables would go to the happy couple.

The students were shocked that their teacher was asking them to steal. He was usually such a moral man. In those days, though, so important was the vow of obedience to one’s teacher that they accepted the contest. Or perhaps it was that all the young men were blinded by desire for their teacher’s gorgeous daughter?

Over the next seven days, the cunning students snuck into the village late at night, stole whatever they could, and brought it back to their teacher. The teacher kept a careful record of which student stole what and from which house. Amazingly, no student got caught in the act.

At the end of the week, the teacher assembled the students to announce the result.

“You have stolen so much,” began the teacher, “enough for any couple to get a good start in life. Except for one of you, who has not brought back anything at all. Why not?”

The shy young student came forward and said, “Because I had to follow your instructions, sir.”

“What do you mean? Did I not instruct you to steal and bring the goods back to me?”

“Yes, sir,” said the student, with downcast eyes, “but you also instructed us to steal as long as no one sees you. I crept into many houses at 2:00 in the morning, when everyone was fast asleep. But every time I was about to steal something, I noticed someone was watching me. So I had to leave empty-handed, sir.”

“If everyone in the house was sleeping, then who was watching you?” asked the teacher.

“I was watching me, sir. I could see myself about to steal. That is why I took nothing.”

“Very good! Very good!” exclaimed the delighted teacher. “At least I have one wise student who has been listening to me all these years. All the rest of you nincompoops, take all the stolen goods back to their owners. They won’t punish you. I told them about this ‘contest’ two weeks ago. They were expecting you. That is why none of you were caught. And remember, whatever immoral act you do, someone will always see you, and that someone is yourself. Because you see it, you will feel bad and suffer.”

Of course, the wise student married the beautiful daughter. The teacher was wealthy enough to give them an opulent wedding ceremony and a well-furnished dream house. Then, because the husband was truly wise, they actually did live happily ever after.