Don't Worry, Be Grumpy

Holy Shit

People today assume that life has changed so much since ancient times. However, looking through some of the old stories of Buddhist monks and nuns misbehaving 2,500 years ago in India, it is clear that some things never change.

In a nuns’ monastery in the time of the Buddha, long before the days of sewage pipes, it was one nun’s job to empty out the buckets that collected the feces and other waste from the monastery toilets. Early one morning, instead of disposing of the waste in the designated spot, the negligent nun threw the excrement over the monastery wall.

As it happened, a well-dressed businessman on his way to the palace to meet the king was walking on the other side of the wall that morning. Whatever that man was thinking soon changed when a bucket of shit fell on his head.

He was upset. He was incensed. He was infuriated.

Knowing where the bucket of filth had come from, he shouted, “Those aren’t real nuns! They’re just old crones and hookers! I’ll burn their monastery down!”

Taking up one of the flaming torches used to light the street in early morning, he strode into the nuns monastery, cursing and screaming, with excrement all over his head.

A devout lay Buddhist saw that enraged man approaching and calmly inquired what had happened. Having been told that a bucket of filth had been thrown over him by one of those @#*%! nuns, the lay Buddhist exclaimed: “Awesome! You are so lucky! To receive a personal blessing from a holy nun in such a unique way is mega auspicious.”

“Really?” said the gullible businessman.

“Absolutely! Now go home, shower, and get changed, then go to the palace. Something wonderful will happen to you today.”

The businessman rushed back home, having no time to spare to burn down the nun’s monastery, washed, changed, and went to the palace. That morning, the king gave the businessman a very lucrative government contract.

The delighted businessman told all his friends, “If you want real good luck in your business, ask the holy nuns for the most auspicious of all blessings — holy shit. It worked for me!”

When the Buddha heard this story doing the rounds, he admonished the nuns. He told them that they were extremely lucky that day to have a quick-thinking layperson who convinced that superstitious businessman that having filth poured over your head is auspicious. Some people will believe anything.

As a result, the Buddha established a monastic rule for the nuns. For the past 2,500 years, the eighth rule for Buddhist nuns in the section called Pacittiya is: “A nun must not throw shit over the monastery wall.”