Don't Worry, Be Grumpy

How Not to Pray

Some years ago, there were very bad floods in Queensland, Australia. A Buddhist monk was stranded on the roof of his temple, and the waters were rising, when a rescue boat came to save him.

“Jump in the boat, Venerable Sir,” said the boat’s captain respectfully. “We’ve come to rescue you.”

“No need,” replied the monk, matter of factly. “I’m a follower of Kuan Yin, the goddess of mercy. I have faith Kuan Yin will save me. Please, carry on.”

“The flood will get worse,” said the captain. “You can pray to your god in the boat.”

“Don’t mock me!” protested the monk. “Kuan Yin will save me. You’ll see!”

The monk resisted all persuasion to get into the boat until it could wait no longer. The boat left to help others.

Soon, the floodwaters rose, and the monk was clinging on to the curly ornaments on the ends of the temple roof’s ridge, which every Buddhist temple must have, when a second boat came.

“Venerable Sir,” they shouted, “you’re a legend! We’re all very impressed with the strength of your belief, really, we are! Now jump in the boat! The water is rising fast.”

“No way!” replied the monk. “This is a test of faith. I’ve prayed to Kuan Yin all my long life. She won’t let me down now. Kuan Yin will save me. Leave me and save the others.”

“What if you’re wrong?” asked the captain.

“I’m not wrong!” exclaimed the monk. “You’ll see!”

No matter what the rescue crew said, that monk would not jump into the boat. So they left.

The floodwaters rose some more, and the monk was holding on to the temple’s TV aerial when a helicopter came and lowered a ladder.

“Monk!” they shouted down from a megaphone. “Listen up! You’ve proven your faith, okay? Now grab on to the damn ladder. We’re pulling you up.”

“Kuan Yin will save me!!” screamed the monk.

“Grab hold. Now!”

“I have faith!”

And still he refused. The helicopter had no choice but to move on, leaving the monk behind.

You know what happened next?

The waters rose and the monk drowned.

When that monk appeared in heaven, he was very, very angry. He went looking for the goddess of mercy, and when he found her, he blasted her. “I had such faith in you, and you let me down! I told all those nonbelievers that you would save me, and you didn’t. I’m so humiliated and so… so… so dead! Why didn’t you save me?”

Kuan Yin smiled and softly replied, “Didn’t I send two boats and a helicopter?”

Now you understand how not to pray!